V 1545 
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opy 1 




THE 






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—OF AN 



'.^. 



ARKANSAW SHOWEtflAN, | 



—BY— 



•-S1 



PB.iri.A.LLE.HU|.5,HACKL|F0flTE,f 



-^ 



MAGIGIAB * AI2D * 60EJUP(E!^^ 



Together with the Experiences and Kxperinients in 
the begining of his Practice and Hfe in the Back- 
woods of Arkansaw. With Interestino" 
Amusing and Instructive Reading 
to all Classes of Moral Society 



and Fun loving Readers. 




KXCKLSIOK Si'JilNG8, MO. 

PKF.SS OF J. W. HYDKK. 

1885. 



I 



VI 






\ 



THE 









OF AN 



"^! 



ARKANSAW SHOWMAN, 



— * =*- 



X 






B^- 



^:MAGISIAI2 J AI2D i S012JU!(B!^:-^ 



-'^^'^ik 




Together with the experiences and experiments in 
the begining ot his practice and Hfe in the back- 
woods of Arkansaw. With interesting, 
amusing and instructive reading 
to all classes of moral society 



and fun loving readers. ^<*>.^ 



"><~^^^^^)<^ 




I MAR 14 188 






f« 



w^ 




KXCELSIOK SPRINGS, MO.: 

PKKSS OK J. W. IIVDER. 

1SH5. 



\ 



Q^ Q[ 




Entered according to the Act «f Congress, in the year 1885. by 

J. W. HYDER, 
in the office of the Librarian of CongTess at Washington, D. C. 
I^^All Rights Reserved. ^^^^^ 



PRBFASE. 

The ©nly apology that I shall offer in presenting to this, our 
noble public, the "Arkansaw Showman" is; I haver never before 
offered one sentence of my situation and unfortunate life foi- 
publication ; have never lounged about hotels, boarding housej>. 
and Gross road grog shops, and told of the many startling- 
scenes and difhculties that I have fallen a victim to, in the 
course of my comparative early life; have never exposed the 
secrets of a showman's trials, and trickeries, which this volume 
unfolds, nor have never made known before, the many little 
scrapes and misfortunes that have prevailed upon me; and 
now if I should ever be the means of instructing, amusincr, or 
interesting one fellow mortal, I shall be amply rewarded for 
all the trouble, time, and labor, bestowed upon this work; and 
trust that before you have scanne it thoroughly, that you 
may find something of interest and value. And hoping there- 
fore, that you all, as a feeling community, will pardon the 
haste, manner, and conduct in which I have given you the 
"History of the Case." And fearing you should perhaps 
judge me eluogizing upon the subject, I remain your most 
humble servant. Shacklefoote. 

Porcupine Hollow, Ark., U. S. A. 



hKRATA. 

A few tvpograpliical errors have escaped the proof-reader.s eye in the fol- 
lowing- pages ; ut none are of a serious nature, and the reader can easily detect 
and correct them. — Publisher. 



A Iffeiiv Edition 

—OF THE— 

FEATS AND DEFEATS 

OF AN 

AHAKSAW SH0WHAI7, 

We have in preperaiion, a 
new edition of this work. It 
will contain a number of Illus- 
trations, including- a portrait of 

PROF. SHACKLEFOOTE. 

We want Agents everywhere 
to sell this popular book, to 
whom most liberal terms will 
*be given. 

For particulars address, 

J. W. HYDER, Pub. 
Excelsior Springs, Mo. 



\ 



PROF. ALLEHUE 5H ACKLEFOOTE. OR THF 






CHAPTKK T. 

BURSTING THE JIG, OR STARTING TEiE LAUYEK.' 

An? - r/i/? ttiiji'i'n tune or lnivyf;r^s mareh through the corn-field. 



Whttii people write lore letters^ 

Th«y should be very careful how. 
For if they don't they'd better; 

Or they're sure to have at low 
When LsLwyeT», j^o to by a cow 

Without a price done set; 
They'd befier prepare, te have a row. 

For that they are sure lo gel. 

Old BhTSEY 



^ EVE'\ in the course of human events, is there anything 
n.ore important, or interesting, or ties more binding, than 
is the parentage of one's own existence. Of this, I can face 
the whole five races of mankind, and claim for my parents, the 
most favorable traits of untarnished character, our country have 
ever known ; but,^ as I am consoled on this fact, that none who 
have ever known either of them, will doubt for a moment, or 
deny my allegation. I shall not attempt to worry you with 
their history, or present: vru with their dcscendency ; but, must 
annoy you with a short and sketched history of my youthful 
life, for a time. at least. 

1 was, of course, like all other good citizens, born in the year 
Eighteen Hundred and — Anno Domini, in the month of Janu- 
ary, in one of Hoosier States. And as my parents, being of 
the most rambling disposition. 1 were almost invariably raised 



10 

on the roaa. Yes, in that dread month when hoar/ frosts, and 
. chilly blasts, when friged air and frozen earth, had interveaed; 
when the icy hand ot winter, snow bound down its fetters, and 
the fields and meadows were all divested oi their green attire ; 
when the forests were stripped of th^ir greenest array, and were 
clothed in their snowy robesj and here amid such dense mel- 
ancholy came forth mj existence. 

As i previously remarked, that my parents showed the most 
intense love for travel, and servation, 1 was but a small portion 
of hmnanity, when I embarked on that great vessel of strife and 
contention — found no where else so complete as in travel — yet, 
how many are never contented without roaming the world o 
ver and over ; of which 1. happened to be one ot the immortal 
few But, as that is of but httle importance, now. I must pro- 
ceed with my subject^ and if possible, endeavor to tell of some- 
thing that may likely be of impcrtance. How 1 shudder to 
tell It to the wond ; not that I care for myself, but care, lest it 
should fall into the hands of some of its co-workerr., and per- 
sons in whom it is concerned; and then, besides, to occupy so 
much space, in this chapter, to tell so much without interest- 
ing my readers; but I hope dear reader, that you will grant 
me one pardon for. bringing into my subject the school-room, 
but 1 will promise to tell no tales of school-boy days ; nor 
does it enter into my subject, as a part, but merely a place of 
reference, where my first fate occurred. 1 had gro^vn to be a 
lad of some size, had done a fair share of traveling, when 
one day I happened, partly to see what was going on inside 
that httle quiet school house by the way-side, aid partly to see 
the old gentleman that was teac'iing. 1 entered the humble 
little hut, had a good long conversation with the old school 
master, who seemed very much interested in me, and before 
I left, insisted on me to come and spend the winter in his little 
school. 1 made some excuses, and told him that 1 would call 
and see him often — but before I went 1 changed my notion, 
to some extent, for there in that little congregation, was the 
most lovely little creature that ever any human eye beheld. 
Oh ! what a feeling came over me, this was my first temptation ! 
Although she did not possess the charms that most modern 



11 

bfrutics are so apt to have on such occasions ; she was beauti- 
ful ill :he extreme; although she did -not possess the dark 
flashing, sparkling, piercing, eyes, of tlie Elizas and Delilas ; 
nor the beautiful symmcincal. low, dowdy, rotund, chubby 
little damsel, nor had she the dark, heavy, luxurant, waving 
curies, that such little maidens are so likely to to have ; nor 
was she her mamma's only little pet, who would not let any 
one court around her ; no she was neither, although she was 
on the opposite scale of beauty, she was still beautiful ; her soft 
gray eyes, her fawn-like figure, her yellow tresses of golden 
hair, swinging sottly down her neck ; her gentle voice so low 
and sweet, soon set the electro-magnetic nerve in my heart, 
which still survived and increased, till it absorbed my entire 
being. I watched, and tried, and worked and toiled, for 
many long weeks, months and even years, without any success 
or anything like it, till at last I attempted to find out at the 
cost of whatever might be the consequences. But I had 
given too much of my time to traveling the world, and observ- 
ing the ways of great cities, wild countries, dense forests, 
broad prairies and vast plains ; instead of cultivating my 
manly attributes, or learning the ways and means of ''Court- 
ships fatal errors," from lack of right management; and now 
must suffer in a measure for transgression — for a sin of om- 
mission — in that, that I had not lulfilled natures instinctive 
■aw, and fiist pre-requisite, in not learning to ''court scientifi- 
call)' end thoroughly; hence I found that the way of the 
n au<>^ i etsor is Uard ; and nature will not let those go 
unpunished, who have thus tre.^-spasscd on her laws. But how 
am I to knew \\hat traits to ci:liiv£te, or tastes and talents to 
improve '^. or have 1 time to go abroad, and learn from those 
already initiated in tl.e powers of Courtship, for information 
on this most interesting affair ? No, my love, feelings and en- 
tire being was already vvtought up to its highest pitch of pas- 
sion, and to too full an extent to bear such a delay ; but, how 
am I to proceed .-^ 1 wondered, 1 pondered — would I, like I 
had in all other cases, walk straight to Mollic, and tell her in a 
bold and manly way. my thoughts, feelings and asperations ? 
which if I had, mi^ht have **t( < k," but when our consciences 



1 1? 



desert us, in the critical .?incl most valuable moment,' wKen it 
could be dispensed with more easily in any other c^se, than in 
our affairs oi "setting out.'' This, was my trying point ; still I 
could not ''m.uster" the courage to call on Miss Mdllie and tell 
her in m.y own natural language, how sincerely and intenssly 1 
did love her. No, I could not. 1 thought as I had o ten been 
m many places, and that my feelings had often been aro jse i 
by some strange occurance, and never failed to. ma.k.e my way 
out, I thought 1 might do as well this tim.c — but I could not : 
failure showed its sunny side, and this was a ^teind otf point I 
thought of many things that might "take,'' if 1 could be coura- 
geous enough to put them into execution, till hndly I made one 
desperate struggle of thought,, when 1 thought "eureka,*' (I've 
found it), had hit upon the triek, at last: >had"'phunmed the 
track, and driven grim care and contention, far, f^r away ! I 
would write her a note— a legitimate piece of business — that 
could not be out of place, nor ignored by no princess of any 
Province. Yes, it was an easy way the world had adopted, so 
generously 'fixed for her fell >w-individuais to correspond in in- 
nocent conversation, without the third, fourtJb on fifth person to 
interfere. Yes, it was easy to write Miss Molhe a note, and 
thus introduce myself to her, when she wouldirespond, and then 
my fortunew'ould be completed— ^1 would only have to do the 
rest by gallantly proffering hei; my heroic protection and atten- 
tion. — by pleasantly conyeyiiig her to balls, parties, pic-nics — 
anywhere and everywhere that she might feel willing to go. 
Gh, how I could imagine my glory, basking in the genial rays 
of her fond affections, while riding, walking, talking, and en- 
joying with her, Nature's all- wise provisions for lovers' amuse 
ments and pleasure! Yes, I would write Miss Mollic a note; 
but it must be done in an exquisite manner, as Mollie was an 
exquisite girl, or it would touch her effeminate feelings, and that 
would render all things nugatory — it must have some high-per- 
faluton anatomical, phraseological, cut-and-dried words, phrases 
and sentences in it ; however, I was not to be baffled out of 
this, and remembering Charity Whites proverb : "Challenge 
your pate and fancy wit will come,'' I at once set my wit to do- 
ing its best lichs; but I would have done well not to have 



13 



done it fit all; but nevetheless, I procured some fancy Ltcra- 
ry material — and, was it not for the annoyance ot in) leaders, 
would subjoin its conLents here; but will proceed to iutlier pai - 
ticulars — 1 compcsed an.d completed it in die It si n ain.ti \ edi- 
ble, which was considerably passable, lo have noihin^ to com- 
mence about, for, this was my first atiempt; ioi , never had 
I spoken to anyone, on the subject of matnmon)-, or its ap- 
pendages for, if I had, I might have done diffsmiiy. Yes,ii i 
had known what 1 ought to have known, I might have never 
had cause to so bitterly repent ot niy hrst atteniptat love letter 
writing. But, the letter done, how was I to gei it off? or by 
what means, or by whom was it to be sent ? the post office was 
but a short distance and it would cost bat a fraction oi iioihii..^ 
to mail it; but would that be safe ?would she get it, or woula 
her big sisters, or big brothers get it, and plague her out ? or 
would her great big brawny dad get it ? and read my stupid 
weakness, and my deep admirations of his little dau;^hter, 
which would demolish my thoughts and feelings; but 1 was^not 
to be whipped out in this, I pocketed the instrument, that \v»s 
to decide my fate with MoUie. There was in that same little 
schoolhouse, where first I saw that charming one, going lo be 
a meeting of the M. E. Church and now was my time for exe- 
cution with that troublesome article — and I must procure 
some means of conveyance;p( rhaps ^me cf you \\ ill sa) , '^a hy 
did you not walk right up to-her^em'd give it to her yourseli, 
and say no more about it ?" Ah, would to the Almighty Fath- 
er I had had the courage to do so much, but must now only 
sigh a heavey sigh, to tell you how I done. It was a lovely 
evening in the month of July, when nature's kind providence, 
had filled the earth with its abundence in store, the t^oral and 
vegetable kingdom, was all in their most luxurant beauty; 
when the forests and groves arQ giving back their greenest 
apparel, by the same Omnipotent hand which, but a tew short 
^/"^ynonths ago, had stripped them of all their glorious and gorge- 
K^lous splendor ! and consequently in a manificent grove, adja- 
cently situated near the little school house, the good people 
had gone to the grove for an evening's devotion; thus leaving 
the school house to free access to those not devout cnour^h to 



o 



4' 



14 
seek consolation in the congregation of ^vorshipers.! • This was 
my only resort — my last effort — there were her brother, hut 
you need not know his name, because those who may/ev^er see 
this will no doubt know enough, without ever wanting" to know 
his name — for, if ever there were any one on eartii, who w^is 
tormentmg and troublesome, it was him, for every moments 
time in his life, lie was playing some mischieveous trick on 
some one; but, I thought I could trust him wdth my • business 
— at least I thought I would try it at any rate. But if ever 1 
repented of doing any thing, 1 repented of this. vBut forced to 
make a trial to give Mollie the letter, I took him to one .side. 
and told him that I had something of <:;-reat importance to tell 
him, and if he would quit his confounded carelessnessy and act 
right about it I would like to have his service on tlie oppeii^- 
tion — of course he agreed to everything I told him, and said, 
he was one of the kind that could do just as he was told to do 
I then told him that I had a little no'e,that I wanted to give to 
Mollie, and if lie would say nothing about it, would like to have 
him give it to. her; he avowed that nothing coiiW iiaduce him 
to ever ''squeal" about it, that he would gi-ve it to her-ands'^^y 
no more about it; I then han'ded him the abominable-institution, 
gave soine instructions, and w nt into the house, stretched my 
self out on a bench, thinking how easy a thing it was/ to write 
ones thoughts and feelings, and have no one to know notliin^:^ 
about it, but the one intended tu know it; and thinking wh .c 
Mollie would say; would it tickle 'lier to the heart to s( e sucli 
a fine big love letter ? and would she write such a one to nu;, 
orw^ould it he a modest little piece of feminine lovliness. j.)re- 
sently her brother came in sat down Avith some more." of his 
clique, and began talking very low aiid indistinct, ^^; hen I be- 
gan to comprehend what was going on, for diev had be^n 
whispering very low, \|Jn[en suddenly they all got iipdfid walk- 
ed out of the house, giving me am ther suspicious look. .i-. 
though to tell me of what was going to be done, I imn- 
ly followed them out and told the lad that I had condurita not 
to send the note to Mollie. that it might not be agreeable with 
her, and I did not want to impose myself upon any one un^-ss 



\5 
I knew for cer Lain, or, unless L had soaie^'beiler lighi; IjJc he 
declared it would all be right enoug'h; but'd still persisted in 
havincr it in my possession; bjt 'it vvci^ all in vain, tlie crowd ot 
boys were gathering aiojnd lis -as thick as gnats around the 
mouth' ot an alligator, the congregation v»;"a;.s about to disband, 
and all the whole Church ot ''Zion ' would takea part, or else 
look upon the scene with wonder and asxonishment." What 
\\'as 1 to do ? 1 had got my foot in a sling, and how was 1 to 
extricate it, 1 told him to give it tu m«rf, and 1 would give it tu 
her, but 1 might as well to have talkea to the clouds, the boys 
(or demons)' were telling him to * stickto it" "keep it lor future 
reference," ''don't you give it up,'' '' hang to 'er.'' By ihis 
time he had taken it from his pocket in order to transler it to 
one of the others, 1 made a grab for it, but one of the iniernal 
infamous, io-nominious hounds, snatched it irom his hand and 
made his exit into a thicket close by. Great Czars inaria : 
dont tickle my chin so ! war'nt it fun for them though ? but i 
didn't use that kind, I felt like-l had had the gi'eat -bird oi 
Amarican liberty right by the end of the tail, 'and' il'had Hov, n 
from me in all its proud glory, like Fritz's hee;- ven I vants 
him, breaches for him, ant i pe cot tarn it, he ish not dare too. 
but that was hot all. But kind fortune, one'' consolation amid 
all these difficities; whether th(^ e!\ft'ogra[Jhy- was the cause' or 
whether their noggins were not capable of expounding its 
meaning; 1 c6i/ld hot- tell; but they did not get mnch satisfac- 
tion out bfitrbilitth^y tried most vvondertully hard, to get my 
Jewish proclivities 'roused — but 1 was tcodeeplyihtercsted in 
something else; and beside, 1 knew too well, that they were 
just trying toTorce a little more fun out of me, than 1 was iii a 
humor td let 'go. 'Yes iiTdeed, I was to deeply involved in the 
thouphts of Mollis— what would she say? would she brave ihe 
confusion that had been" ihVust upon us ? or' would -she scorn 
me for thus bringing ^uch vague interruption u[)on her? er 
was I to blame ? or was some one else ? or who ? or 'what vvris 
to'bedone? Oh! oh! phew! phew! what destruction; and right 
in the deepest of 'my agonies, who must come in but the < Id 
''Sea' boss;'* — her'greiat bigdad— touk a seat not far Irom me 



i6 

aad commencing something in the way of fixing up some of 
his books; when he was about to leave the house, some of 
them told him to read the letter that they had confiscated; but 
fortunately he had "left his specks to home," and said he 
could not read it, how I did think of something to do — how I 
prayed for '*the mountains to fall upon me, and hide me," 
from the hideous monster now before me, it was getting late, 
and the crov.d was gathering 'roimd the door like "niggcs" 
at a dog nghr; they were gcttin or anxious to see the end, and 
was telling one another, and chee-hee-en, and ha-ha-en as 
though some of them were getting a real feast out of it. But 
just as they were enjoying it to the delight of their very souls, 
"old Jeff/' come walking up, and in his loud clarion voice said; 
"hand him that thing, ''they tried to refuse him; but he might as 
well tried to resist the Mexican giant, for he said "hand me 
that," he reluctantly handed him the article — he then handed 
it to me and said; "there take ihat and — ," well 1 will not sav 
what the old hulk said then; but after I took it he said, "if he 
ever heard anymore of me a scribbling to one of his girls, 

again, he would give me a good booting." Oh ye demons 

of eternal darkness, who ruleth the evil of man, deliver me 
from thy presence, and never allow me to meet such again; 
snakee, and subsequent serpents, uncoil thy self fi-om the force 
thou hast taken upon me, take your daughters, and give mv 
freedom and liberty to me ! I took the insignificant, dod drated 
thing — and tore it into liggets — but who was to blame — I could 
not tell — how was I to be avenged? the old "sea hoss," was 
oat of reason, as one blow from his comparative "hog head" 
fist, would burst me like an egg under the foot of an elephant, 
and it was no use trying to get even with him — I could do 
nothtingbut "bear and grin." But I was |not satisfied with 
such — I could see Miss Mollie no more, because I rould not 
look at her without thinking of how fearfull I had done; no I 
could look into her lovely innocent eyes, and not dare speak to 
her; no I must get up and be away to some other countrj^and 
distant land, to seek salvation for this miserable woe; as 1 had 
often done before; to forget this terifying difficulty. So then 



r; 



there was son^e place to he saught out to go to, but 1 wa? j;ot 
long in hndlng somx;* place to go, and some one to go with lor 
there was in tiie neigliDorhcod a company preparing to take a 
long journey into the \\esi — fortunately lor nie, there was one 
man in the company wiio stood in great need ol a horse, and 1 
haviiig as good a horse hs ever was formed into a quadruped 
was quckly sougitt for, as soon as they found I would be willing 
to go, terms were soon settled upon, and ere long we set to 
work, preparing to get ready for our journey, but I must relate 
one little occuran»*e. that took place before we started upon 
our traveling tour, towards the western world, and to seek' 
our destiny in a land so far away. The fellow that I hadcov-' 
enauted with to "go west,'' was a kind of a puny witted man, 
and had a wife with pcc^r htalth, htnce his idea lor going to 
the mountains; and he had a fellow staying with hmi, in fact htf" 
was his brotherinlaw, and 'tis useless to tell his name, except 
as we all called him "Big Bill." Well 'tis useless to try lo 
give a desscription of him, or to tell how hard he was, for he 
was one that had no equal — nor had he ever been fathomed. 
But however we had some fixing to do, and our partner 
could nut well leave his family, so me and "Big Bill'' had it 
all to do ou) selves, so we had to go to the railroad station of 

J to get.our horses shod, and some other things needfui, 

and on our return, four or five niilee from home, 'Big Biij'' 
had an appointment out, which he had to stop and see how 
things were going; we stopped, threw down the lines, and 
walked up to the house, with as much deliberation as a Doctor 
going to make a collection, when we went in, there sat a great lig 
tine young lawyer, reared hack and talking as loud as if he 
were pleading a rase at the bar; but when we entered the cab- 
in, he began to cool down a little, and began making excuses, 
and pretending to want to buy the old lady's cow; well she 
would hardly be called a lady either — but you see lawyers w^i.l 
'di'X the "yaller dog,'' and that was what he called her, perhaps 
many persons who may see this book, may probably know 
him by name, but 1 shall only call him lawyer G., But Big 
Bi r knew the gent and knew that he did not 'want any cow, 



and told him to be getting out of there, he tried to make some 
excuse, ail siii that him and the old *'lady'' could not agree 
upon the price of the cow, that he wanted to buy, but "Big 
Bill" told him that he didn't want any cow,aiid besides, he had 
better be getting out of there, if he wanted to keep his head 
sound; he appeared to be a Httle stubborn; but "Big^Bill" tokl 
me to come and we would fix him, he made for the door, 1 had 
done as ordered toby Big Bill, and made a lick at him, and 
knocked off his hat, and by Big Bill coming closelj a^tei 
as lawyer G.,bent over to pick up his hat, Big bih ga\e Liir. a 
blow with the toe of his ponderous boot, which sent him irav - 
eling on all four of his protuding extremeties, I made another 
attempt to follow him, but I was too late^ he .had got pretty 
well straightened, and as 1 run at him my toe hit his hat ana 
threw it into the weeds, and he made one more trial to get it; 
but I let him have it in about the same kcaiity tiiat Big Bill 
had proffered him one before, and that sent him riding down 
corn woi se ihan a hungry sow. this t'nie he wenf on hh wa> re- 
joicing, he got farther into the cornfield and cleared himself, 
during i;%hith time we heard a trcmcndious racket, and the hr^t 
thing we ki ew our team was a cross the cre'!k, and if ever you 
heard wagon wheels , horse shoes, and old chains rattle over Hme 
stone, yen could heard it then, it wen; like the rattling o; ten 
thousmd bridges falling together, and like the four wir^s or* 
the win j had all come together and were up . rooting every trjc 
i\:\) h:i\:. still th iy vveat rattls-.te.i-haag Over lim .r.stontr.s. 
fence railp, woodpiles. and plank fences, but however, we could 
do nothing but go back and raise the eld Harry; because the folks 
were a 3 ma i as hornets because we had aiTruntcd tlieir "bi '• 
bug'* ia^^ ycr, but we told them that we "was runriin* that thing, 
and didn't want stock dealers^ there no how, and therefore w : 
didn^t intend to have any ihere either.* But ue stayed till about 
midnight, and I would like to tell ; ou what kind of a time we 
hai; but will not for fear you might liiink that I was exaggera- 
ting, so finally after we had threw the old gander dovvn the 
chimney, and singed the old spotted cat's hair all off her body, 
and thr.^w the old yellow dorg head formost into th^ w-ll. and, 



'9. 
several other things of like cesperation, as well as to done cvcvy\ 
time that it was not our u rut .and made ever}- girl mad as a news 
boy when he sells the iiKst dcily, and left old Betsy's habitation in 
a kind cf dilapidated cord ticn» we siaitec to fine our team. We 
Icund tbtm about three miles on our way home, where a friend 
oiours had stopped them, and kindly unhitched them, and tied 
them jp for us till we might come along; luckily for us, be. had 
le~t them near enough to the road as to be easily found, for it 
w \s as dark as the lorlorn side of misfortune; but we managed 
13 ge. ch'i.n -n oder and started out for home; bat we had to ^o 
pas. ih< blacksiii th-shop to leave our wagon, to have it mended; 
we SvXceeded in getting it to the shop — but it was about thre^ in 
tbi iRorning, and we did not want old >olomon, — the suiitli — - 
to think we were so early, and so we left our wagon there^ 
an 1 then there were something else tQ be done, there we had 
tw:? phairs to carry, for we did not want old Solomon to know 
wh^re we had l)een, and vre knew that if we left the chairs in 
the wagon, he would be sure to suspision where we had been. 
So Bill took one, and 1 the other; then there were several oth- 
er ariicles to be taken; such as a few rolls of goods; a bag wiih 
sugar and rofTec; soda.coal oil, powder and niany other articles' 
necessary lo the household and. kitchen comfort. an<i uhat was 
we to do? neither of us had any saddle, and we had to take 
the iiar[if-ss. but we loaded up and struck out; we h^id aboi t 
one mile and a half to go, and we had to travel throug)\ th(- 
Iac'.<:-oak bushes with nothing in the way of a road, hvt a sma'i 
path — you can cr^rtainly imagine about what a comfort?^ hie 
rid;', we ha;-i — think of a roll under one arm, a bundle V^efore a 
tug swinging under our horses feet, and catclimg on every grib 
snag, and brush, and a cliairon your shoulder.coniing in d r ^ t 
contact with protruding limbs that hung in abuncant clusters a- 
long the ru<jged roac-. But it was useless to try to l^ep it a 
sec.et. for old Solomon was ever on the lookojt for just svch 
s, ecii'at'ons, to add to his already long list of tat4ling, and tale 
tCiIing, and was not long in making himself aquaintf'd with the 
entire proceedures o^ the case, and it might as well been pub* 
lished and plnc^^d upon every leaf in the forest, ^^6 on every 



fence rail, and in every chip pile, as for him to have known it 
for it was told by him far and near, and to every man that come 
to his shop, had to hear the whole story before he left; and every 
old woman in the neig^hborhood was runing and telling, and 
talking it all over the country, and at every wool-picking, and 
, every quilting, and every where they gathered together, the)' 
were tattling and, telling what Sol, should have said about Alle- 
hue Shacklefoote, and big Bill Cornhill going to town andgtM- 

ting drunk, and going to the widow H 's and breaking up 

the "trollick'' some would say ''well i wouldn't a thought they 
would a went to such a place let alone cuttin'up in that kind of 
a way,'' and some would say they "didn't think that Allehue 
Shacklefoote was that mean," but the main old mover of such 
fun for the 'Svhimmin,'' would tell something like this "well in- 
deed I don't know how it started, but anyhow I believe that 
Solomon heard it some where; well I just don't know where, 
but I believe Sol, heard it over at Gards, and anyhow the news 
coine to me, and I told Salina, and Salina she lold Hannah, 
and" Hannah told Darkess, and Darkess told Lizzie, and Liz- 
zie told my Sarah, and my Sarah let the "cat out of the wallic * 
and by the time it got to Mollie it was changed a little here, 
and remodleda little there, and a new touch put to it there: 
and it was all worked over, and a new tale was entirly told;aiid 
it being bad enough without any new fixtures to it. was made 
out to her a monstrous looking affair. But 1 do imt know whai 
she said for it.was not long till we started upon our journey. 
Here now is the last ebb of m}^ first troubles, read these lines 
v/hile I take a trip to Morphens, and then if his ettiquette of 
entertainments are not too interesting. 1*11 tell you about it to- 
morrow, and now farewell till to-morrow comes. 

-2:§(o)§ts- 

CHAPTER' 71. 
A JOURNEY INTO THE WEST. 

Air. — The Battle in the Plough, 

Hark ! hark ! what do I henr? 

The reef man hf^'s finrely there, 
And scalped our friends so \e.ry dear, 



21 

And they aie here no ruoro. 
But lo! what have our comrads done, 

The battle is fonght the victory's won 
And here lies dead, a little one, 

And weltering in its gore. 

DlDirPEK. 

Now (or anether rush. I would like to have told you of some 
more scrapes, that took place while me and Big Bill was hxino- 
to get off, but I expect you are glad that I cannot. But I would 
like to have told you of our trip, to Groomer's mill, and what 
we done with partofthe flour, and the row with Joe Nickif^on. 
and many other rummages, and rambles before we left, but 
space will n()t admit. 1 only want to tell you of the one that 
I did, to show you and all the rest of man and womenkind sort 
o'how completely I had bursted the "jig,"with me and Mollie; 
but now I must proceed. The day arrived, and a great day it 
was, on the 27th of September, when the Author of alwise na- 
ture, was displaying its beauties and pleasures, as w^ell as com- 
iorts, and riches of fruits, flowers, and vegetables, before the 
hoary hand of winter, had laid its vital forces upon the verdant 
vines and tender foliage; before the chilly air of the North, had 
driven the flies and the katydids into tiny homes, and all crea- 
tion seems so fully set forth. Every thing was in readiness, 
and I had to go to my partners house, to be ready to make 
the start and meet our company at a little village some few miles 
away. My sisters, and one of my brothers went with me, to 
stay with me at our friends, before our departure; and there 
were several of my kind friends and dear cousins, as w 11 as n\y 
dear sisters, gathered there, to spend the last fond friendly 
night with me, perhaps forever, l^ut ah! my dear reader there 
was om still dearer to nr^ than ever, that ^as not there. 1 had 
taken the parting hand with my Mother, and well do 1 remem- 
ber the feelings still though many, niiny long years have rolled 
by and many strange scenes have p.iv^t since then, but, never 
have I felt the emotions thatso indelibly stained its properties 
into my memory, never to be forgoitcn. Ah! reader have 
)-ou ever took the jiariing hand with ^our <>v. n d^-ar M( tlier, 
and f(^lr this entotion; have you evf r witnessed this s( on(\ and 
seen \our dear mother, sh.ed tlio^e t( ais ol alkciioii h r lu r 



22 

departing son; if you ever have you probably can feel and syni- 
pathize with me here, I had taken trips before, and traveled by 
my self, but neve> before had 1 felt such a rising sensation, as 
when I threw my valise over my shoulder, to start, my brother 
accompanied me to our friend's house, where my folks were all 
assembled to see me off — to see me start upon the long journey, 
to take the parting hand, and bid me a last iarevvell. 'I here 
was not much sleeping done there, in that cabin that night, for 
Big Bill's brother was there with a fiddle, and my cous.ns as 
w^ell as myself,and other brothers and sisters, and all together 
kept up a continual racket almost the whole night long. But, 
alasi the day has arrived and now for it. We got to work fix- 
ino- for t'ii^. buisness, Jim the head of the house or old provi- 
der ?.s Bill used to call him, was naturally a little excitable and 
everything was out of place with him, he run here and therc\ 
and while he was hunting around he found his coat where some 
creese had made a bed of it and that put him into a fit of vexa- 
tion, let us get ready quick; Bilbhitcli oldjule; hok by dogg\ , 
lets get ready quick or by doggy them there men will give us 
out, and then *'ia\\s-a-mercy, we'll have to go by our selves." 
but thought 1 old fellow if I was out of this snap, I'd be mighty, 
careful how I undertook another. But it was too late, 1 had 
made the brake, and must stick to it like a " '])osum to a hen 
roost,'' we got every thing ready and now was the trvin>;- jiart 
I felt as though every, friend on earth was gone, and never to 
be seen again. Many were the kind words of advice, wise sug- 
gestions and warnings of many kind,- given me by my sis- 
ters, and friends — iome of them would say, now brother, you 
tnust bs careful with pourself and not let the Indians take }ou, 
be careful with your money, yourself and yotir horse; take 
o-ood care of your health and not get sick, and one of my sisters 
who was alw^ays eJctra careful in her admonitions, and carefi 1 
cautions told me, now brother you must be cautious about your 
travels, and not do any rude tricks, like you are always oettiug 
into, and beside all others do not do any "green," tri ks as so 
many young lads are a[)t to get into, in strange towns and 
cities, and strange coim tries; and be careful not'to have any tales 
come back w^th you' for you know Ivnv young boys are apt V\ 



get into, such and many other words, of advice 'and cautK^n 
were given, and they all seemed to be sincerily interested in my 
wellfare, as I was going to take an unusual long journey; and 
one thing made them more earnest about it, I was .i^oing t<> 
travel in a far distant lan^l, where redskins were said to be as 
plenty as maggots in a cheese box. or toads in a mudhole. ami 
now, we must go; we had a wonderful bad road to commece 
with: it was very bad indeed; mudy and hilly and owing totlit- 
runaway that our horses had had, I had to change horse.< with 
my fatlier, and his horse was not as true as he could have Iceii 
and we had a pretty trying job to get along— ny brother went 
with us a few miles, and then we proceeded on our way alone; 
we made it to our destiny appointed to meet our companv Mud 
then; oh! how 1 regreted the time I had left my own parental 
roof; how I began to wish that I had my " 'fossum hack," 
many times would my mind fioatback to that dear old home 
where so ma.iy happy da) s I had scpjandered, I thought how- 
kind mv dear old aged parents had been to me. and how bru- 
tally 1 was treating diem without a cause, and had brought all 
this agony upon myself and kind parents, and dear sisters U>r 
nothing but mere foolishness; I thought how kind and atten- 
tive my parents had always been to me,and how' I would mis-> 
them, if by chance I should fall a vicdm to some ravaging de- 
sease. 1 thought of the tears my parents had shed when 1 bid 
farew^ell. I then thought how kind and tenrierly they ha<l 
watched over me when I was a child, and the care and tiouble 
they had had with me, and now^ I was paying them off in such 
a way, I thought how kind my sisters and even my nrotherswas;, 
always willing to let me have my way in anything: asjl vas 
somehow^ or other, it always happens that we ello\\ s alw a) saio 
the vounc>-est, I thought h.ow^ often niy sisters had betn so will- 
ing to wait on me in any litde spell of sickness, how they had 
(n^en wept for me because I was only a little ilhand many otlier 
things presented themselves to my mis( rable j( tlini's. which 
have long since faded Worn my memor)-; and 1 reckon \()u 
think why didn't I let it all go together; but I eruld not. but 
while filled wdth such remorse, I fell into a deep and profound 
loTp and this ended my awful feeh'ngs f*;r n time, and being 



<■ n 



24 

fatigued remained in the arms of sweet morpheas; and while 
slumber was weaving its fancy pictures upon my weary form, 
I was wafted away at a rapid rate untill that glorious orb chas- 
ed darkness from the earth; and now the thing must still be 
done; it must be continued on. When we got ready to start on 
next morning, we found our crowd read/, and now we was all 
ready to roll wheels together. We mirshallcl our clan and 
stretched our train toward the Westera World. At St. J — , 
we met some more of our crowd; some 15 or 20 young ineii 
were in the crowd, and some 8 or 10 famlies, besides ourselves, 
and those young fellows thought that they was as brave a set 
of men, as ever stood upon the banks of the "Big Muddy. ' 
We stopped a while in the city to recruit up a little, and I 
would like tell you of some scrapes that 1 and Big Bill got into 
but for the reason that it would occupy too much space, and 
besides Tom might probably find it out, and then it would busrt 
me and my little expectation, into the deep recesses of eterni- 
ty. But nevertheless, we had a most rattling good time of it 
during our vsojourn in the city, but time traveled speedily, and 
it was not long till it warned us. that we had to make anoth(-r 
sweep for our tour, with bold though sad stricken hearts, for 
mine though great, was not the only one in the crowd, we Sf*t 
out upon our far western journey; to seek our fate in a distant 
land, to try our hand on the wild rough rocks, and dive into 
'hidden misteries of the wonders of the itiountain caves and 
cliffs. We had not proceeded far on our journey, when we 
come into a settlement of Potawottama Indmns. alth(Hi);;h w^ 
had not got entirly out of the white settlement, we did not knov 
hut these Indians were hostile, we had heard many tales of 
bloodv deeds, and unuierciful carnage^s perpetrated by the 
scalp seeking villains, and began to feel as thouij^h we Vver^^ 
entering into a land ^here extra care siiould be taken to prt:- 
serve our upper extremities. Meanwhile we carrelled 01 r wag- 
ons near one of their plantations, and was preparing tocnnip for 
the evening; we had to gel water from tlieir well, and .some of 
the boys had w'^'nt up and o^ot some vvatei* but it was net lit 
for Indians to use, much less civilized whites; but our youn <; 
lads were a frai'l to sav anvtliine- about it, lest th(? " r"'-" 



might get mad at the whiles and attempt a war or may lio 
massacree and slaughter our whole crew, but presently it 
come for I and Big Bill to go for water; we went up and asked 
the old gentleman Indian, if he would be so accommodating as 
to allow us the privilege to partake of his fountain of fresh pui-e 
water; lie feeling himself flattered a little, told us to help our- 
selves as long as there w?s a drop in the well, and struck out lo 
go off somewhere, I don't know where, and perhaps you think 
'tis no difference where; but before we got our water 
some of the young Indian bucks had gathered around the well 
and some more of our bo)'s had come for more water, and was 
drawinof it when I remarked to Bill that there w^as somethinp" 
u\ the water, and on exammation we found hair, feathers, rags 
squirrel skins, and the Lord only knows what we didn't find m 
the water, and that set l^ill right off on the start, he looked at one 
of the bucks and said what on God's earth have you had in 
your well, the young brave not liking such a salute, told him 
that they had not had anything in die well at all, and if he did- 
n't h'ke that water to "puckachee," but Bill was not so easy lo 
be cut off in such away and said "I'll be gosh danged old feller 
if you don't want this bucket of slop in your face you had bet- 
ter shut u[) your gab, you gosh danged no'countonry redscoun- 
drel," you may think you know something about how these 
young lads of ours were scared, and them being scared so bad. 
mi le theyoimg l^otavvott ima more milling to show his boldnei-t.s 
he made one spring towards Bill and"ugh — egh"he weni as B 11 
SA^abbed him from head to foot, with the water he stili held 
in the bucket, this would have set the whole to thingin' of t'ero- 
cious* battle, had it not been fof the old Indian conung up, jusi 
in time to stop- his young brave sons from their desperate 
wrath. *Bjt we threw o jr water all out, and tlicn the qu(s 
tion was what would th<'. Indians do, we had raised i[ with 
them, and we krlew they was mad as hornets, and would bt* like- 
ly to seek revenge it lliey was like their red brothers, that we 
had read ab )ut — they would steal u])on us, like a steaitlu' woji, 
in oiu" shunber and drivi; llieir tomahawks into our senses, ai.d 
draw tiieir scalping knives across our to|.)hots,or else thev might 
gather u[), and surr;>un I our c !in[). and >huot u.sdo\\non<' by 



one, or take us all captives and then you all know what miglit 
be expected; scarcely had we come to our earnestest studies 
when we saw a wagon with as many dusky looking monsters 
as could hang on to it, and every one of them yelping duvl yell- 
ing like mad wolves; they come rolling and rattling as fast as 
their animals could draw them, till they got opposite our camp,' 
and near to it as they could without leaving the road, stopped 
suddenly when one of them jumped out and started back and 
called out, loud as he could yell: "Now boys be sure yo.. gt . 
everything ready, and don't forget to get 2 barrels of powder, 
and 2 barrels of sugar, and 2 barrels of whiskey, and 10 doub- 
le barrelled shot guns, and I'll have everything ready.' The 
great skulls of Glogotha! if ever you seen a set of scared chaps 
it was right there; they all turned white as my old hat, some of 
them groaned pitifully, others sighed deeply; but what -was tJ 
be done? the town was but a few miles away, where they are 
supposed to be going, to lay in their murdrous provisions. But 
would they come soon as read or would they wait till late in 
the night, so to to more coii.^ '\y surprise us.'^ or how would 
we make our escape? to loa.l u^ .^ id pull out was suggested by 
more than one, but was oppose by some; on account tliat we 
might run right in upon them, others would say that we could 
stand them off, others would say, there was enough reds to 
whip a whole regiment, and Big Bill said he be gosh danged, if 
Ite got a lick at that feller, that he had baptized, he would res- 
urect him, and make him over again; and 1 said nothing about it; 
because I knew that if we were in a land where wild savages 
wasjple.nty, that we would all be captured and probably scalped 
but i did not really think that we had got so far out as to.b^ ;n 
the midst of savages yet, and endeavored to appear brave as 
possible, under such uncertain circumsta.nces. But however, 
fortunately for us, the young brigades that evidently had sec 
out for some brave intentions, were so highly interupted. they 
decided on having revenge, fell to drinking, and determined 
to fill themselves, perhaps got too much of the cverdestro) ing 
material down them. Though not an eye in our company was 
closed that night, rot the sound of a living being was heard; 
but when we arrived at the little village, we heard that thev 



had been there, and had got too drunk to leave town, and so 
we proceeded upon our course, without bein^ molested by any 
one for a time, we had now got far upon the broad [plains, and 
was begining to forget our fright about the water, where every 
thing began to look more interesting than ever. We was not 
in tempted by anything particular, and was fast advancing up; n 
the frountiers, where the primeval forest, streached toward the 
boundless wdlderness — where the wigwam fire fumes and its 
flames, and smoke had not ceased their curling fliglts among 
the mighty boughs of the lofty pines; before the framing hand 
of civilization had constructed to any great degree its fertile 
soil into fields and meadows of horticultural beauty — where 
the rude barbarianism were slowly fading in the dying embers 
of hostility, and plunder. Yes we was far into the wild western 
world, and I began to make some preliminary' speculatons of 
my future anticipations. It was a lovly evening, and I for a 
little change of exercise from riding in the wagon, had taken a 
walk a few hundred paces beliind the train, when many fancy 
visions began to present themselves to my imaginations; I was 
something like 3 or 4 hundred yards behind, w^alking upon a 
railroad that traversed our course, I saw a head of me a place, 
where it made a cut through a rise in the distance; there was a 
lad about 12, with me, we were walking along saying nothiin: 
to each other, while I was*conjuring up within my own mind 
what bright prospects awaited me in the future, 1 could see my 
self, runing anjong the wild rocks hunting the precious meinl 
that had already gladened the hearts of so many bold seekers, 
and now was I not as liable to do likewise, 1 had already ad- 
vanced so far as to make my pile and return to my native land, 
in my imaginations, and there to meet my old friends and ac 
quaintances and relatives, a rich and noble man — agoldspti- 
ulator, oh;what happy thoughts; I could imagine the pleasures 
I would have, I would not have to be writing to girls; no they 
would swarm around me like buzzards round an old dead she( i» 
because I was rich, had been away ''ivesi" liad "}ouj;;ht" tlit? 
"wolves" and the ^'Indians ' and made a fortune, and cone 
back to spend it on some pretty girl, but who would that v.Mri be/ 
Ah! I could imagine Mollie would call upon ne T^ud Tali v.\A}n 



her bend^^d knees, and beg sincerly for pardon, and beseech nie 

to allow her at best to be my Hush ! hark ! what do 1 hear? 

bang, bang,poel on peel, went up like many thousand pieces of 
artillery, being all discharged in an instant, fire, fire; and still 
the roaring of shotguns', spencer-rifles, muskets, buldozers, 22 
pistols, and every instrument that could be made use of; was 
now put into service, I could almost hear the cries, shreeks 
groans, and prayers of our brave hero band, as they held in tu- 
niultuous contest, and stood them at bay, and I could imagine 1 
heard those yelps and yells of the great red braves, as the)- ap- 
peared to be dealing death in a dreadful manner, and '"VVah — 
hpo,'' seemed to strike into my ear as I rusher) to the spot and 
then what do you think 1 saw ? a poor little didipper was lying 
in the edge of a puddle, shot into atoms; the boys were either 
trying their weapons, or else playing bully, I did not know which 
but the powder they burnt on that creature was larger 
than the duck bv double its size. So I beo^an to thmk ihat 
there was not an Indian on the plains; however we gut. near 
the destination of some of our crew, when the whole party 
bursted, and every man took his own course, Bill had stopj)ed 
far back on the road at a stock ranch, and I and the man 1 had 
started with was lelt alone, far away from civilization, no one 
near, oh what a lovely place; nothing to be seen but the wild 
fleeting wolf and the fugitive antelope; accasionally a herd of 
buffalos would come in sight, away in the distance, which we 
could vscarcely tellfVom Indians. No wood, no water, no (td^td 
for our poor horses, save what little time they got to gnaw rht- 
earth for a little buftalo grass, which was not- longer than tlie 
liair on a sheep's n@se. While we was thus plodding upon our 
lonely wa}',and viewing the gloomy retros[).:!ction now before us 
we was again aroused to our utter conscienciousness. jim was 
walking behind the wagon, and 1 driving, he discovered a group 
in the distance which looked Tike men on horses, he crazed witii 
intent eameslness upon the group, which seemed to be n«'a ing 
us very rapidly, he tiien come around and told me that it cer- 
tainly was "engines" I told him I thought it was buffalos. but 
they drew nearer and finely they c(jme on toj> of a rise in ilie 
flistance which showed |,)lcun]\' that it was men oi some dc\sci*ip 



29 

tioii my old black coat and call jo britches, how" / felt when 
Jim come round in i'rQnt with his old broad brimed hat in his 
hand and said **it is engines by dDggy its engines,*' now lor it; 
to get oat of signt was then imposioie, I felt like the 4 ends 
of creation were about to fall together upon us, and crusn us in 
to eteruity. i heard Jim behind the wagon cftcidng up his 
mightiest solemn supplications, and begging for Massa's sakc;i 
ah! my old provider of everything thais good, i have lost my 
scalp at last, but for massa sakes do provide aonie chance iur 
Lace and her poor children. 1 might a knowcd beti er n to come 
away here in this land of engines, but its too late to sqUv^al 
now, but oh! have mercy on me for/ did steal that sack of hog's 
joles and a sack of shorts, right out of old barn's smoke house 
and he suffered for it, but I'll not do it any more, so 1 won't; 
don't let them engines ride ole Jule too much, and oh how i 
wisht I was back on ole grand river, where engines is not there 
take care of Luce and Dave an' Susie an' Billy, an' ah — uli — 
eh here they come onto us now right here/' A litde closer and 
we discovered that they were white men, hunting butfalos. 
1^*0 >f Jun; if ev^er you seen a happy man on the broad plains it 
was him;he jumped higher than a rooster with his head oli, yell- 
ed louder than an alligator hunting for a dead negro; slapped 
his hands loader than a rattle-trap, laughed louder than a negro 
at a coonfight, and cut more capers than a gander in a hogpen 
1 could laugh at his delight myself, because I could not neip 
but feel a little pleased myself. Now, as 1 have toid you 3 
Indian tales, and only one of them had an Indian in 11, perhaps 
you are getting tired of Indian tales; but this is my last with 
them now. We traveled on without any more difficulty until 
we reached our place appointed to stop awhile, we stopped there 
and Luce as Jim called her, poor woman, her desease was too 
much for her strength, and her trip was too long and 
fatiguing to surmount its hardships, and three days later the 
poor woman was brone away into that land where her soul no 
sorrow knoWeth. Then I must take my course alone, for Jim 
and his three children had to stay at his brother-in-laws, and 1 
must seek my destiny as best I could; I traded my horse and 
harness to a book ag^ent for a watch, and took my cotrse alone, 



V^-v 



•'0 

I have already told you enough times, how I felt, and now was 
as deep a time as I had ever experienced; notwithstanding the 
hardships I had already underwent, I proceeded; and came to 
a ranch about 4 miles from where I had bid my friend adieu, 
stopped and vs^ent into the yard, there was some men fixing up 
to start back to the very same country where 6 weeks before 
I had started from, I endeavored to get into their company, but 
could not make the "riffle, "they would have taken me quick e- 
nough if their convenience would admitted, but it would nol. 
so I was left out, but while w^e were talking the boss of the rancii 
came out and told me to come in and have dinner; niggers and 
nutmegs ! how that surprised me, to know that he wassonuich 
of a man, but here let me say if ever you should visit the Es- 
land Ranch, Elbert Co, Colo., yiui will be a[jt to meet 2 as 
kind hearted men as ever graced che sands of Colo. Whose 
names are France, and Alexandria J udy;for here was a time to 
test their kindnesvs — for I was a stranger and they took mc in, 
I was hungry and they fed me," on buffalo, antelope, jack rab- 
bits, beef, and 'taters, one whole lo ig winter for no pay, nor 
would they charge me a cent — nothing but what little clioring 
they had to do, wdiich was nothing compared to a winter's fare 
in that place. 1 stayed there until the latter part ol winter, 
when Alex, was ijfoini'" back east, "near mv old home, and sxid 
he would take me free of charge, if 1 desired to go. Altlio^igli 
regreting to leave my new fri'^nds, 1 thankfullyj accepted his 
kind offer, and one hne morning in February, we werr sailing 
down the eastern.sk)|)e of Colorado. i\othi*ig disturbed om* 
ride for several hundred miles. We liad been on the train a- 
bout three days, when one evening a new Conductor entered 
the train, to take up his duty— receiving txkets and larc — 
when he 'came around and called for my ticket,'! told him thai 
I had a pass. He a^:ed w^hat kind of a pass. 1 told him I had a 
cow-pass, and if he knew^ what a "pass ' was. he knew what 
kind it was. He said they didn't take any parses (ni that train, 
and told me to get off at the next station. I loldhim that 1 
would stay dn 'as long as thei^-(^ wa'^ a wheel on her track, lie 
then brought the brakesman' and told him to nut mv. off. 1 
reached Iround beside me. and drew out mvold "coa ri'"ai!d 



tolcJ him if he wanted to smell burnt powder, or hear bullets 
sing, or caps burst, to go ahead. By this time Alex, came and 
told the Conductor that h'^ had obtained the pass from the I'-on- 
eral agent, for the amount of stock he shipped, and, squashed it. 
Now, what d'ye say? I say so too : Three leather tea ket- 
tles, two gauze bellows, one cahco hog trough— drive my nose 
into my head will ye ? 

^3t§(o)§ig^ 

CHAPTER TH. 

JIj/ Gal Tom, or Mary Ana's Letter, 

Air — Good bye, Yon^re bu!<(ed My Pnfr. 

Now pleasure and happiness to me once more, 
My sorrow has ceased— I suffer no more ; 
Hov% happy and contented will I become, 
When I have conquored my own d ;ar Tom. 
» But, ob I what troubles arp. yet in store, 

For those who imagine that theirs are all o'er , 

But »'ow 'tis done, ray heart is dead, 

And you might just as well l)lo\v off ray head '. 

Bii.lv T.AD-roLJC. 

Now reader, what do you say al)out it anyhow, I mean what 
I. have told in the two preceeding chapters, I think 1 know what 
you think, it must be improved before you give it much more 
attention, I will promise, after this chapter is completed, to trv 
and do better. But cannot give much in the way of interest 
until it is, this is a clearing of conscience, in order to give you 
a clean sweep when I get there you see. You recollect Mollis; 
don't you ? 1 guess you ought, tlie little (jueen, weil what do 
you think I found out when I got hack again ? I found iji<ub:ic 
was to be marrie<l, to one of the U4:f]iest looking 1 aid\ s!umk< 'I 
kncck-kneed; slim legged crooked n<tsed.slick-heci< lei. ,siiiii lau 
eJjVvhile eyed, pitiful ooking wretches. thj tany hun:an ever saw. 
you recollect old vSol. riu^ tattler, don't you ? well, this was uih\ 
of his many sons. And uiien 1 come lo study the thing omv 
I c) .:!uded that if she would throw away so ni( e a little \\u- 
\\\.\ ' s she was, on sucii <i miserable miscreant as he was. ihai 
1 would not mourn her loss no lonj^^er, yes, she really did g<i 
married to that wretched, miserable, monkey, ape. bab)(»n,(>i- 
what ever you would be a mind lo call him. And oM SoL 
bought them a piece {)( linie ro«'ks, <,>ld logs, frogs |>onrls, Imu^Ii 



hollors, and jack oak bushes on a credit, and owes for it yet 1 
guess, and so that ended it with nie and Mollie, but it didn't 
stay ended. No, would to the great master that it had ended 
It, me, or something else, but no; i must aivvay be tormented 
with that wonderful punishment from wnich none canbedehv- 
ered, that horrifying torture that jiOiic can lu^ii, i»d.vo tii^^c uiat 
are pierced with cupids painful arrow. Well 1 wasgt;tcmg prci- 
ty well broken off irom the thoughts of Aioiiie, vviicii one of 
my nieces, wanted me to go with them to a little hoe-down, m 
the village, in which my brother lived, 1 was always ready to 
go with them, because they was in a croud of good compaijy, 
and we was off to our old friend Seer's to see tiiem nave a trolic, 
it had not proceeded far, until I happened to see ti iutie girl 
dancing with a great big black-smith, and oh Mol \ Oh how I 
did shiver from my toe nails to my top-not. 1 was determined 
to make that gal's acquaintance, 1 tried every known remedy,! 
told two girls that if they would tame that girl for me, I would 
buy them more candy than would give a turkey buzzard the 
dyspepsia, and they told her mamma what I said^ and I don t 
know what she said, but every body in town was talking, and 
telling her mama what 1 had said, and what I hadn't said and 
what 1 wouldn't say, and what I never said, and kept it up un- 
til they had her so mad, she wouldn't let me speak to her lit- 
tle ''lorn" girl; whether Tom was her real name, or whether 
it was a derivative of some fictitious name, 1 am unable to tell 
but they call her Tom any how, and that name to-day, though 
hundreds of miles away, and may never see them charming 
dark eyes, them beautiful curls, that sweet little chubby maiden, 
that name strikes like a rising sensational feeling, that heaves 
in my massive chest, like a great gorge of ice, breaking up 
some frozen stream. Yes, long did 1 try in vain, to get an op- 
pertunity or something of the kind, just any way to find out if 
1 could have any thing to say to her, but could do nothing, or 
say nothing, because I had done just like I always did when 1 
found one that I was smitten about, I always done some fool 
trick to spoil it, well I done it this time any how; I'll tell you 
some time what it was. but must go ahead and tell how badly 
I got stuck about her first. 1 had a little niece, about her size 



ani I woald get Rosa to get " roai" to come to my sister's 
house. I id tlitji Vd steal a little courting, out of her by piect' 
uicals, uiuii I got to loving her as dear as I could love any oir: 
on earth, and I would buy her doll babies and such play tnui-.^ 
as she wanted. Oh mercy on me liuw 1 loved iiun. liule one; 
pe.naps, you thmk me more of a lool than ari\ thnig el^e, JON/ing 
such a htde vrirl a^ that, but she was not as litde . as I luiVvj 
made her out; tis true she was small, when I hrst saw her Lnjt 
.she grew into a goc>d size girl before 1 spoiled it. She was 
beautiful, and 1 tnought 1 couid persuade her to like me u 
I was let alone, but 1 wasn't; for everybody had some liuig co 
do, or say; som« would tell her to not have anything to say U) 
me, some would tell things that 1 had not said, some this, s >in.' 
that, tattling and telling lies, sneering, aiid everytiun^, au 1 
any thing, that could be done, was done to work: agaiij.->L u] : 
a.id iiiy i ouL oh! if y<ju could see her like 1 seen hei,\ou Wvjuid 
not blame Uie for iikmg her. For on June die 241. i, tucgseat 
Anniversary of Ma^^onic Honors; when the wise and God-like 
t'ree Masons, the Iriend and Father lo the or[)han. me greac 
i);.riiv_.av:.ter af;d comiorior of the poor and lorlorn, die)' lo wnom 
vili chrisiendom. should gather together and erecl a monun.'-ni 
of honor, to their Goddike Fraternity, were gaLhenng togetfier 
to celetjrate their tim.e honored day, in a little '^i'o\/ii near ilie 
village, where luy lite's greatest joyb are within. Aud there 
while the swinging ticket sellers were a howling hke w<)ives loi' 
tiie carcass of dead negro for the sale of their tickets, trie 1 ^lu- 
onadcand candy-venders were screaming like mad-cats un a 
house top, the monted^anks, the wheels ol loi tune, oi' misfor- 
tune or mr. fortune or mrs. fortune which ever you are a mind 
to call them, I always found them to be v\ heels of misloitune,. 
because i always missed a fortune on anything; anyhow \htiy 
were all making more noise than six half hounds after a pole- 
cat, bleating louder than a drove of sheep, when you pass them 
with a tin bucket on your arm, and while they were braying, 
brawling and yelling, I happened to see "Tom" standing on 
her knees right before lier sister,! had bought a ticket to swing 
and oh! how I felt to see her there with her sister, who I thouglu 
wouldn't let her talk with me. I thought I'd try and give her 



;;4 
the ticket and see what, she'd say, but then I was afraid her sis- 
ter would set up a confusion, and probably rail on me, for try- 
ing to be familiar with her little sister. But she did not, no 
thanks to that alwise head and kind heart, who freed in) heart 
from a heavy burden, no she did not object to u.e i;;iving tlie 
ticket to "Tom" and told her to accept a and ihank JiU: I esiues 
But I am taking up to much time, telling you about someihrng 
you don't want to hear, and must get alitde furdier on with my 
tale. You see I had to be up and traveling off some where, 
just hke I always am, when i have no business, but 1 done il 
anyhow. I went south bought a lot in a big watenng- place 
of a town, went into the candy and lemonade business. sol<i guc^ds 
at auction doiie this and that, got broke a time or twu, a w'ould 
be useless to say what all I did or didn't do. During all that 
time I never had a letter out of the mail bags, whether she 
couldn't or wouldn't write, I cannot say, but she never sent me 
the track of pen, or a foot-print of a pencil, nor the stamp of a 
goose quill, if I had room to spare, or time to write, i would 
give some of the various kind I wrote to her, but will give you 
one further on that will end this chaptei". Yes hke an old wo- 
man writing to her daughter I looked long for a letter but re- 
ceived none, till fuialy my Father handed me a great big en- 
velope, with two sheets of paper in it as big as shee})sl.in.-, k.);if;' 
as a board bill, broad as a barn door, and sutf as a starched 
shirt on a hot day. I did not know of any mortgages, deeds 
of trust, bills of sale, or bundle of papers lik that, due nit^.but 
I thought it would give iiiC a good job to do ; to i i^ad it that 
evening. I opened it, and examined the signature. Queen 
Victoria and crabapples ! Lord, save me from ever having to 
feel like I felt then : I Jelt like my time was up, and this was 
my death-warrant. It was signed "Tomie F " I com- 
menced trying to read it. You may think I am exaggerating, 
but I've got them rolled up in a bundle and hanging on a joist 
in my cabin now. Want of time, prevents a full description ; 
but will give a part : it started like this ; 

deer (Alehue fe>hackl«foote) eye wont to c u sow bad. eve wiize thinkine.how 
bad iyed lyke toe sea ewe tyll i thoyt led wriglit tow ^■ew'aund cea if 1 kiddent 
heere frum eaw. Yue wrougte at yu wannted two teell mea 80umi.then.:awnd 
«^atyinn donjrh yeon kiii wryrfet ite tPon mev. (.nip- t tryeiv wylle reanddI^^^^" 



n\uiK^ (lolhnzc wil i)U> ( uinc i>i>uirti\vn thaiTt' aiuiile t>pvii<lo tli'.'>\y iVnjrj^lit iitV 
vriiU' he wvhto Yeuj^li ov'vh' pmt thee hed^ikt". 

(iracious goodness; i fi'll down and rojicd over, iikc a lioi'sc 
with tiic colic; i groaned like a woman dymg w nl» nj(.>i]iaLhe; 
drew my bread\ hke a iocomouve trying Lo rim over a soaped 
track ; sweated like a negro in a hemp jxilch ; |.)anted like a 
do):^ 111 <i snake hght, and ttars run down my jacelike slop m a 
hog [)en ! 1 knew wliii was the m.ULer. 1 knew too.iliaf i oni ' 
did not write such stuff, and that she did not want to see me 
bad enough to s nd ino such talk. 1 knew some one was j>ia) - 
mg tne old satan, and trying hlcli n little '*dust" out <>{ m< . 
i\ow you want to know what 1 done. \ ou know tliat 1 was 
pretty apt to do something, and 1 fancied myseli" a.s shrew in 
the way ot trickeries as any ot my ww)uld-be beaters ; so I fixe«l 
up a le.ter right off, and sent it to the one I thought had <ione 
the work — ')ac I ha 1 to find out tor certain, that it was noi 
" rom," so i wrote to a Iriend, a true and dear friend stie was 
for she wrote just what I wanted to know — -the most desirabie 
thing that I have ever know^n since. 1 fixed u|)a letter, som<^ 
bills that [ had made for the puipose, and a check like this : 

Mr. ,1. A. Li.. — ir*ay to b»;aier of this check — Mary Ann I'ogskiii — tiie ^ani <>'t' 
.Nywne Dollars, and ehar^re it to the 8heep-Thief CompanVj and lliia sliall It 
yuur recei{)t. tSi}j;ne<l, J. t> President. David C Vice President 

1 also hxed up a small note and put in, then I wrote a U tier 
of which the following is a part : 

3/.V Dmr Mary Aun D'.niskiu : — How like the fiUigt< of the tSerpent, tjjc hic.ttli 
ot the a<lder. aud the tail of tlie black snake, that imprey.ses upon tlie ciia) in uf 
their victim, did your letter inipresb me.Oli I when I tliinkof 3 ou,ho\v ni\ hairt 
<lot-.s flip-il-a-ho}), like a wet sheo-t oji a clothes line; and niv hii.-- .-;i<i hrari 
thumps against tlie walls of my nu^de manly breast, likea.bifly p at butting: .1 
a barn door. Vcs, when I think oi that beautiful nose ofyouis, ;ii.d thniU Itnw 
much it r^senibles a bi^' retl sn^iar betl, or the insidf <d a peeled cow '.s horu. o.- 
a ^'00 1 hiz :<1 iiu/.zard s h«'a ', my mind ^vhi/.ze^ and l>iJx;zes aiid h/ZM,-, likr u nod- 
titnde of bees in a tar bucket. ^ (Uir cye.s arc fair and w bite as tlie 'ranshirma' 
tion of a rabbit, by the rna.->Mlir;i tion <d a do;:"s teeth ; yt•u^•]iJl^ areas >weet as 
a rotten paw^taw, and looks as nict* as a def< net ovster. ^'our.Acne ibaschurm 
ifm as the last sound (d" tlie dinner lioru. Your form as beautiful as an old .-wax 
biicke<l, one eyed, knock-ki.e d, no tailed, phtin ribbed tnare. You arc- >wt<i(i- 
Ihan ibijt-.iacks, .fohnny rakes. r>e buscu't, or risen bread with }mm]ikin ou ii ; 
ves. your are better than loa.-in' ears eabbaire sonp, roast "cdon." baked Vos 
sum. M \ve«l mnsh-rooms <h' fried hull lto;i;s. Oh ' if I could -jain yuuriroini nit. a 
of me, I would be hafipv as a ' oou iji a ^rape patch, or a 'po.ssum in a per-im- 
mou tree, or a hungry doj: in a i ot. <d n'msh. J am hO sorry to hear ofyou \iu\- 
inir the headache ; biit apply that hot air remedy, and Iiu satisfied it will gi\e 
vou relief — you know I sent \<^u the presri)>t ion iu iinniher j'ln- e. 



SHOW ON HOG CCEKK, ^ HOW TO OUT A MAN'S HEAD OFF AM) 

PUT JT ON A PUATTFH. 

Air:— Eh, daf watch milieu GuL 

Tlie art of magic it au.v i» here 

And I must seek some j)lan 

And to make myself jiieai I don't fear. 

Myself, to play my own haiul. 

The water melor s art comii!*: jji, 

AndJiHumpteouK times uiih liit?m are had; 

But oh ! that they had never been, 

To make me feel so very bad . 

Chorus, Oh, Dot (tallenhtek. 

I had concluded to give you a mucli longer liistory of m\' 
youthful unhappiness, before entering upon my long and sor- 
rowful life and seclusion in the back- woods of Arkansas, ^^nd, 
have concluded to give you some of my uufori^,n<ii.e proCUce., 
before entering upon my entire pcrformences in tlial ruue State 
You will readily perceive that the letter business, hus complete- 
ly ruined me in love aftairs, tDrever. For, without any more 
exaggeration, or foolishness about it, 1 did love that little girl 
to the destruction of mv entire feelings and affections for any 
one upon this great eardi ; no matter how fair, how beautiful, 
how good, or how friendly; never have I seen one that awak- 
ened in me, the feelings of love. Nor iiever do 1 expect to. 
But I have run my course. I have played my part, in the 
drama of love, and must seek some other source. Anything 
that would amuse, interest, or that would make this slow world 
|)ass more easily by, and afford a half-way endurance, was what 
I wanted t') do or get into. I had tried many things, and wilt- 
ed to try something new ; something I had never done before, 
and something that would admit of occasional travel, as that 
was always my greatest pancea, and I must do something that 
would be useful and amuse others. I was not particular on my 
own part ; but 1 wanted to benefit others. It was too late to 
undertake the profession of medicine, and that would require 
a local practice, and would have to confine myself to one local- 
ity. I had already tried the mercantile business, h_td done a 
great many things, and many great things in my youthful days, 
an I I thought it would be hard to find something that i had 
not done. I thought I would read some books that I had, be- 
fore I decided on any certain thing, or before I left the place. 
Among the rest, there was one book that rather took my at- 



tcnlion. I read it, until I became ^^rcatly iiUercNled in ii. l\ 
was a great work disclosing the hidden secrets and mysteries 
of Magic 1 thought what a great thing it would he. lo be a 
ble to perform the many tricks of desce|)tion and presddiga 
tion ; the wonderful feats of black, white, spotted oran\ otner 
magic, that might be performahle. 1 thought of the siarthng 
revelations of obtruse, shadowy, and intricate operations ol the 
magical |)Owers, which is ignored by the learned, and abused 
by the ignorant; but which is, nex'crtheless, as posit've and 
|)otent in its effects an Magnetism or Electricity. Would-be 
wiseacres sneer at th(i supernatural ; but it was a real witcli 
that showed her dread visage to Satil at PIndor ; it was a real 
ghost that made the Stoic Hutus quake in his tent at rnid-nighi 
it was a real cross that dazzled the eyes of Constant ne, ard 
led him to victory. The wisest of the Egyptians, the Greek, 
the Romans, and the Gouls, hrmly believed in the powers ol* 
certain persons to fore tell the future — to bon and bles ; by their 
conjurations and adjurations. The trutli is, talk as we^'mayjn 
our festive and idle momenis. the eke ric cord, ''with which 
we are darkly bound," receives a shock, whenever we thmk 
seriously about such mystic subjects as the magical niysieries. I 
studied the hiddin researches of the conjuror, the magician And 
the wonderful inlluenc s with which they held, spell-bouiid, their 
aikliences ; thought how sublime a thing it would be, to call t( 
gether the whole population of some great village, and then, to 
amuse and interest as well as to surprise, with supernatural and 
seeming imposible wonders. To rise in distinction ; to soar 
high in the world of art, in flying from State (o 
State, from city to city, and from continent to continent, as the 
niostorified magician in the world's choicest selection ; and, 
could also see myself, after I had performed all the feats attd 
wonders known to magical science, l)esides what I had invent- 
ed and performed them throughout the world, and now, must 
lorm and start out a magniticient circus and managrie. Could 
see myself in the ''Zoological (warden." selecting the animals, 
and purchasing the lordly elephant, the noble Asiatic lion, the 
orang^-outano-, nforilla ainj. monkey, and bob-tailed mule toi* 
the clown to ride. Mere, in line spirits oi niv future anticijui- 



.•;s 
tions, I <'onimencfcid my work. I cc^rnint^nccd wiih 1;lIIl'., like 
clU L^rcat men, only to con(|Lior contenLioii and oppusiLion, and- 
tiien to rise dcispite of all opposite ellorts. 1 had concliK:led U) 
commence with a "Sleight-oi-Haud Show," whicli I ci)ald star:, 
with very little out-lay, as I was aimosi an expert myseii. m 
devising and making' many kitids o\ tricks, arid trjjps.and v,orks 
that'could beprofitably^employed in tlie '•trick sliows,' an<i 
soon went to work, "trying my own liand,'' on t!\e niaiiuiactiirc 
of some of the many and various tricks to get Lip a slunv. It 
must be borne in mind, ihat, although I ha\e lo gue j uics and 
directions for some oi the tricks penorme<l. in or(ier to give .i 
better description of the performances ; still, 'tis not irtendi d 
as a true guide to the art of magic and m)stc,r\ : iiovxcvtr.i Wos 
not lon^ in makmg preperations to consu uct a iew for a coni- 
meneement. 1 hrst undertook the conjuror's banquet, or wiz- 
ard's supper : 

Wherein lie eats a quantity of paper sliavings and draws from liis month ;i 
barher's pole six feel long, yards of rihbon.s, and other articles. 1 i)rocure(l the 
necpessary material, and went at it like a fox in a herd of goec*>,(>r n iii<i,tief in a. 
bowl of clam soup. I took souie 8titf paper, cut it into strij)s about three inch- 
es wide, (for the barber's pole) pasted the ends together, until it was hmg C- 
nough|to reach around six of the fateslold wenches in the town; painted a siripe 
half an inch wule ; made a knob <jf M'ood ; pa.st.e<l the eiui of th<". paper to , the. 
round knob, so as to roll on to it, and leave the red side out. which when drawn 
to,^ix or seven feet, it would lemaiii in a round siiape, and resembie a strijxd 
barber's jiole. I then fixed U]> tne paper shavings and liubons, and other arti- 
cles. I then made the ling rings, to pass through my cijeei<. t goi two com- 
mon iron rings; cut one of (hem, and spread it apart^ so as to;ulmit of its luir- 
pose and left the other wliole. J made the doll trick, the card triok, the burned 
hankerchief trick, the whisky and sponge trick, and hundredsof other trickical 
tricks — and to cap the climax of total depravity, T made the trick and pn-perties 
to "cut a man s head off. and place it on a platter a yard ironi his b-dy.' Be- 
fore I got done with it, i would have been wdlling to'go throii rh the oflperation 
in earnest. I got some boards, newspapers and mucilage, and went to work. 1 
made a box for the man to la\ on'; then I made a place Ibr his head to }>ass 
through ; then I prepared a stand table, with a hole fixed in the top, so that a 
man's head could pass^^iq) through it ; then I had to make a curtain or cover for 
the box and table, and it was about the middle of August, and as hot as the 
times of apolitical campaign. I Avorked and sweated, puffed and twiste<l, grunt 
ed and hurried. In the meantime, I laid do\\n my fools, and went to get some- 
thing or other, and vvhen^J came back, there was a crowd of uiils where 1 ha<l 
})een at work, for owing to the wann weather, I had taken the shade of a large 
tree for my workshop, and these girls, though gnnvn, and all of them yawning 
lor beaux, and big enough to know better than to be manu|>ilating in such a 
eareless manner, tlie tricks of a conjuror : iinri notwithstanding tUe extra care- 
fulness, that needs be taken with such.'tliey had torn uj) my b(»x, cut up niy 
]»ai)ers, knocked over my muciiage, lost my tools, and scattered everything eas- 
ter-westerly and crooked. Tad-pole soup and Moll Kobison ! if I wasn't mad, 
voii can poke me in the eye with a boot-jack. This being inad, done about as 
much good as sawing your nnsp with'a gnnrd ]»an<llo. Fovthev «ll put :ir n.r tn 



cro njT in \>>\\ ;: aii'l Ijuv some water melu"Ks;biU L \va.^ n<)l )n uii li »-, ,( ,, i,,,,, ..,, 
catin-: w alfi- ii,rlnii>. J went iowoik, ti'yiiiK »<> ;i:t'i tii;ii-.. .s(;nai\', iiHii. iln-v 
ail >catl«M«^ i <it:t Imt tuool iliv Ix^sl ones, aii'V -jirinliiiilly lu .' wrat Irw m ■ i!<i\vii .* 
,ii VU", ami 1 ti'M Uiom t iiat ii' they w onul not be so r!i(;M,;m.I lu-l. Iia\ c t !!(:• w in>!i> 
town rmmiipj alter us, I woijM buy ali the u aier lu^'i..>ns t m^v w intcii/jut I lol-l 
ihem that we would liave {o ieiive town aiul ia ve a \v ilk. \ii>l i woui«l .^ct tlie 
juelons yii I my }.)artner, wc would be olT. 1 hail iH-ien ver\' ous.»!an<l thoii^'Jit a 
waliv iu tiie (-oaiilry.a m-s- of water melons, an 1 au « v inii^'f. i;nK witn liii'.i/n!.^ 
woal.l be ini(ueslin-i. 1 \\a.> lat.i' in liadin^ the one i want!-'<l tosfiaie in the 
ehivalry 1 liad piiiehase'l tht' flindy fruit for'tlie Ireal ; tii^-y were aboui th • 
siz ' of three or four do^s' heatls. and as heavy as a s )>-k i'lill of h cs heads, aM<i 
uuluuidy to « iirry as arm full (.u eal ii>h. When I .ir.»t ba<k I {'ounil that tlien^ 
was twiiotuer feliows tliei>-, who iuul the sauu' kiud -it fiuit liiat we hail, am! 
was shpin.i aro ;nd to ke 'p us loui kjioviiuj: whai was uoin^oll;but I saw * liat 
was up. I saw ijjat they w;is tired wailijjjj^ on me, and iuid ei^neiiided to .r,<jtli 
era'iein'y. Hui tLioi^litl, ifyoh take a me-s.*; o* them un-lous, y(uf II pa\ InriiM' 
ioa^t. Slr.iJige as it may ai)pjai",while wero comiu^ aiou^ with our ox load,.He.-i - 
inji: 1" r a pla e to <h'i>o^it.- .in-jn, we raa into .i jnle •fiueiousa> bijxas later hoi 
hoon as we found < u what was going to be done. I toM my ptird, m. t if ve 
did.i't hive some iuii, he nd^ht take my in^se for clothes }>okei'. J lol<lm\ pain 
t>) .->tay (here ami waich til 1 came back. We had st >wed ours away, am< i wem. 
to the hous^ to tell the ^iris to berua<iy as scon as L got baeU, i)UL llu«y <iidn't 
siv muea about it. The would- )e rivals had went Uj* iu l<MS(i,to lep eiiihh tlo- 
Miner man, and i Uiade good my return, with enougu loi>« ha to unn a «lot; s 
siu.naeh wrou;j, si-le iu, or to i-hoke adea<i neuio. Diey had ma le an nn isio.i 
iut • llieui, to ex;iuuue iheij" extrtdleJiee. I removed the searilieatiou, tilted tie- 
euiitieal Nui).^iauee into the «-avity, and replaced tiie p ece remi.)Ved, and then 
toid uujfird to to follow me. \\e secreted ourseUes iu a patch of ureen p(»lk 
■veeds hard by, and was uol iou^ in beiny; relieved. W ' supposeii tlv«>'. w<>ul 1 
wal'-.. <lo vn tiip r .ad ; luit as it was ^retting coolc iu the evening, tliey came and 
segited themselves idose to u.>. aud began their bui<li<'i\v. The larks win» 
nad intendc to ))lay us so foal, had too nimdi swill di.tw'n tiuai toknt).\ wheih- 
(M- th 'y was eaiiny; water melons or drinking dish water But like the "rich 
man.'Mhey fared sum]>tU(Uisiy hu- awhile at least. Mt-anwhile, we Mere anx- 
i ui ■. to see how it wouhi work. We could In-ar t hem eiiecdu e hee-iiv ai;d clTec- 
na lia-ur and telling how ^li(•k they had/pulled it over ^haekei.oole. One >ai'l 
•*(.i''orge. ump, ump, b«\irone darn, if we ilid-d-didn't -^trvc um too mean, yuh- 
yes Bid, we did, we did play reViiard on "em, ii 1 know it." i he girls said "die 
was U)u stingy to buy anything, and it wasn't lit:) ditiereiice.'' Presently they 
couimencijd grunting and t\\istiiig, their e^es looked like those of the (uu' ilu'.t 
i>ellows in duly, their nose spread like tlie adder; their mouths oppne<l like 
doors of a pris)n, and great striuiis of frotii!!|sirea"'>e 1 oul like sour sorgum juice 
i.reorge said, "'um. um. Bid, 1. b leve we're })iseue<l." "So do 1 boss.'' They 
weie all rv>liing, groaning, aud with st)inethinj; like the <.lashin'iji> of ,a bou.'^'e 
top, conimence<l uh, eh, uh. hac, almost simultanetnisly. Ho^ skins and boss- 
es collars, wasn't it fun to see 'em waller? We slid<Hl oul from where Me h;,d 
been so secretly eiicouched. leaving the )>oor sutierers lo recu[)fiate as b.esl as 
Miey (H)uld. One thing ma<le this transact ion o\ er imp<ui.ant wirhijie, ifha]'- 
pene I <ni tli" same day of tny lirst performamr. Now, we had to make a start, 
aud on account of thi- "'gal Ini^ade," Me had considerable hxing l«t (in. [iiii 
succeetied in getting all things in readim-ss, and not loru(dt:ni: our melon-, we 
loa<le. I up. and started 1'» an oM N^g school Ikmisc, some six cu- eight nu.'es from 
town, to try our luck. We had a two In.irse Avagoii, and as mucii pbiu('"r in it. 
as two mules could wag with. N\'e anive t at the place latei- than a show ma.: 
likes to, but having evir\thing in ])roi)er shani-, and being four .)f as l-Ay^r 
ijien as ttieie was in the pl.M-e, (at least Me tliouglit so.) we .so<m had lliings uj) 
iu shape, and diil ]iot have to wait Kuig f(.)r a go(Ml crowd !.if boys, girls, M<uueii, 
men, cidldreu, d(jgs, ne^rroes, and exviything in the shape »d' humanifv. ^N e 

i I !•) t Ip' t <v.l,. .. 1 ,-1 UK '1^1 <1 I 11 - J ! ^ n i'>ft - V, •. ^ ) , !•" 1 i M .'\-.-i-\ d i lf'-t •( I, ;- M' i* ;d ,i ill I 



10 



Vialf ready to n»ceive the audience. They'gatherevl around tho ('oor like ^'reeu 
fli(^s uruund a beef's bead, eager to see whai was going to'eome oli". We an- 
nounced the door« open : but they stood \jaok Hkt» bashful boys at a frolic.Ther 
.vaid for '-sonje one to make tin- rstart^" they "was <ifraid it ivasf a frauci." 1 de- 



dared it was going to be a real performance ; that 1 was going to show some reiil 
wonders, when an old covey came up, and saul. "You, are you all the one at.s 
har ?" I tolA him that I was enough. "You, you're no Vho\\man; it tjike.s 




"chink" but Van s ud it took money to cut'er. N.>t beinu ))leased with such un 
familiaritr, he concluded to come in without }>ayiiig. lb- made m spring past 
Van, and darted in. I made for him, but <oidd tind nothing but a bnxuji.r grab- 
bed it up, but knew 1 could do nothing without soinetbing e sh attachcrL \ an 
■"as looking for something, and Jasper had just crawled irom behind t' e curtain 
By this'time the house was full of boys, men. negroes, and making as nuudi fuss 
as a disturbance in a bumblebee's nest. . AVe had a coal oil lam)> half iull of oi'; 
I'knew s.unething in the way fjf ascare had to be resorted to, audi tilted the 
contents of the lamp on tlie brush of the broom, and holding the lamp still 
Vdazintr, in one hand, I touched it to the greased broom brush, and went on 
'em. I slashed first one way and then the other, until 1 had them all blisteretl'- 
an<l out they went, howling like a \voman with a snake after her; jumping and' 
yelling — ganders in a flglit couldn't imitate them. Boon as the liouse was clear- 
ed, I soused my in«tnnnftnt of wah, in a bucket of water, and thus the battle 
enoed. Now, what'another fix I'm in. Can't help it ; here we are,sr ven miles 
from home, and dark'ner a pile of black cats. Although they were singed about 
the eve brows and ears, still thev wanted to see the show — the feat of "how to 

-.- i - "„ > , 1. .1 ,. a- .1 > ... J : a" it: c • .1 „ , t«.. ..a ii. „ j . i r.. -i . .. j 1 



ter in the nineth degree," as they called it. I dusted around as if I was going 
to open the ring for a circus ; got my bi<jr long box out,— big enoujrh to ma e 
hamson a coffin — and my stand on which to sot the head of the d(j[genera^i^ ; 
had Bill to lay on the box ; and Jasper tocrawd under the stand — thj-s stan'l hhd 
to lu'^placed near the curtain, so as t<; pass under without teing cMjsei ved.i I 
took u]) my big knife, made of tin, which in the lamp ligh^, sht)ne^ike u pel^-tei- 
basin before a winter tire ; and secured my si>onge full of poke beiiv juice, and 
said : "l>;idie,s and Gentlemen : Scarcely in a country this side ofJit-athewdoni 
would sucli amusement as I am about to'perform, be admit ted. mn»uless ^o^luht 

lor, and looked upon with ea^^erness, by a civilizt-d community"—^* *^ • 

ed and I began to think what! was saying. However, 1 took uy> 
i\n: kind in my lif(>. I took a newspaper, placedit over r.iU's lu-ai.j..-— -_ — ,. ^.. 
t»)ok up my mcuister lookinjj; knif*', and began -awinu' on Bill's sw'.ilwyjiKc ,, 
'•ook on a i)ee' steak. He <rroaned pilifullv, and I r(dle<l tlie paj or i,|<MHK:i]>e Idu- 
I had a hornets nest in it, and slnived Bill's head down thronuhtgHiw*' iu the 
l>ox ; lixed tlie pa]jers around his nisck, and with the artititial blAoi^.sbi'eannng 
off the biy; knite, I laid the imairinary head upcm the stand, au«l nio\ed tlui ])a- 
i'«-v t)n it, and had Jas}ic,r to "poke" up his head throuiih the Iiole made in the 
piaster, drew the the paper snugly around and said: Novy, J^a«lies and Gentle- 
men, here is the M'onderi'urfeat. as performed iiT T.ondon. Anyone win" can look 
ui.>.>n this 'rC'^no, without fe?ling as<ms*^' of horror an<i emotion, is a st'Uit lieart- 



y*i. 



41 

el creature ;in«l &hual«.l be appoin*,ed as assistant in some niilitarv hospital. This 
iiihiir created a deep interfftl in tiie minds of the peo]>ie to see SQinething nior«- , 
H<j iilier pl.icin-r tlie paper back over Jasper's head, and causing him tt detract 
)t, b' iieaLii, ana biide out, 1 a-aiii rolled U}) the ija})er, just as it 1 liad the head 
111 It, put It Oack Over Bill's head again and said: uy tue hoky-})oky's strcmo- 
nies now live. Bid drevv a long Oreaih and raised up. Then lor wuard s sup- 
\>f,r. I prepared ihe siiavings, the pole, and soon, and >veiuat it again. Laaies 
a :\d Gentlemen : doubtless you Have witness many gluttons ; but, i)erhaps,liave 
never saw one who possessed the extraordinary ability to devour as much ])ro- 
viHBioiis a.s 1. " i aje," says 1, that the cook in sending my supper, has made a 
fea,rful iuistake, and sent mr a basket of waste paper; but if you Wi 11 excuse the 
vugarity, will make my suppyr out on the paper." All was willing to allow me 
lUe privileife to enjoy the pleasure of a hearty;sup^er, dnd I began cramin'them 
down me, like a dutciimaninaking hour kraut;; out in putting o.ie wad in m; 
mouiii, 1 took out the one I had chewed. While I was getting them pretty well 
tak ;n m, i raised, among some of the paper, the pol«, made a few )irk8, *as ii 
BO.netking was in in it, and holding one hand to my mouth, give apu 1, and out 
came the b".rOei- » poh', then the rilabons Ac. That was extremely interestin . . 
iNeA.t was the ring^brick. This you remember was a cut iron ring, and a hoii » 
one, both just, alike. J handed the solid one anmnd foreiaininatioii.anu bein^ 
pronounced solid by the company, I told them that 1 was going to pass that riu5 
through my mouth and one sid«^ of my cheek, and then knock it on to a stick i 
procured a paper, placed tlie ring secretly over the siick, held ii in uiv iiand, 
and told two of th^ company to hold each end of the stick. 1 took the oi»cnea 
ring, put it in my mouth so as to allow the end to stick close to mv face, so it 
would look like a solid ring passed through my cheek. The: took' hold of the 
ends of the s.ick, and said tliey'd keep it troiu goin' on, if it raised 'em outen 
their boots, t'resently I giv« a quirk jerk, an(' winzz went the ring on lliesticv. 
Many other similar tricks I.,performed,2which was equally interesLuig, ana ar.- 
mir«d by thiiui. Then tnauKiug iiiem lor their khuI ana untiring atientiun, 
and liberal patronage, and at the same time expressing my sono.v.ui ngret tor 
the injurv i n.i.d Uiii inmgiiiedly doiie them, iina bade them good night. \Vuijaa 
io ivplacr every tiling, load up and pull for home. vVe left our wat. r )nt'lon«.n 
t le WAgoii .liia'ex, eced lo eat them while going home ; bui w f nind that some 
t lougniful VI 1 liana hatl ransacked our wagon and devoured tiiem. \Vc r. aciied 
h 'Uie towards day-break, sleepy, and tired, witJi seven dollars to pav for lour 
men's work, ;r3.U0 worlii ol" paper and coal oil, water mt-loiih, ana— ^t. ratiick 
voiuan'l ten wiiai all. liold-^-on— hand me a gouid with a little sui)pa\vn in it; 
groase mv ears with toon skins, Irizzle me under the nose with a iox tail, {H>ur 
my pocket* full of dish watei, peel my pate with a rollin' pin, reel nose with an 
oyster shell, if i didn't ieiil bespottcd, and bespecklei/, "John Anderton, My 
Joe John." 

CHAPTER, V. 

SliaclUefoobe^s S/inw a^ Elm Flat. 

Air ■.—The Showman's Coliasion. 
The band i- ringing proudly, 

Out on the still night air"; 
And Signor Carl howls loudly, 

For his show at Kobbin's so rare, 
But oil 1 they all are on mv ►•ide, 

My own friends blows the horn ; " ' • 

And here amid such flattering pride,- ' ' * .* 

The I rowd is to nie borne. 

The iSxoozfR. 



42 

"^INCE I have recovered from the loss of sleep, bad feehn^^s 
jjof exertion over the water melon scrape, the fiery battle, and 
travels in the dark, I will tell you something better about it. 
The show and its inlluences, and the weair.er 1 ein^r unusually 
hot, had not as much influence over me, as did the water mel- 
on scrape, although I will pass it by — for 1 would not have an\ - 
one to know who those gals were, lor the pr'wti ol 'a croj) oi 
melons. Now, I must go about to get up another show. I did 
not desire to commence in town, until I got more practice, and 
therefore commenced hunting in the country — in the most ru- 
ral part — to see about getting a school cabin for I thought that 
was a good locality for a trick show. I found the old foggy 
who had the most to do with it, .and asked it it could beobtani- 
ed to hold a little elaboration in, or something of the kind. 
** What do. you call lobberashun or sumthun of the kind.'^" 1 
told him "that was rather a ficticious name, I mean a show,an 
exhibition.'' "Well, if you mean a show, why don't you say it ? 
who knows what you mean by a ficticious name, or a extrabi- 
shun ?'' I then asked hi^^if I could have the use of it to have 
a show in. "Well, I guess not. What kind of a trap ofashow 
have you got?'' I told him I didn't have a trap of a show, I 
had a trick of a show ! "Well," said he, "if that's the kind of 
a show you've got, I'll take (3are that you don't trick me with it." 
I tried to argue the case, but it was no go, and I had to "gin'ei '' 
up. I concluded to go to some little town, and try it there. 
There was going to be a ball, in a mill-town of a place, some 
ten miles up the river. As there was a crowd going from our 
town, I thought I would go up, and see what the chance would 
be, for a round at my profession. I saw the driver of the team 
and made arrangements to go. Had everything fixed up in 
style, and off we go. We got there pretty late, 'saw things a 
boomin'. The hall was illumined like Hammerslough's elec- 
tric lighted rooms, heard the organ howling like a hungry wolf 
on a sandy desert ; saw the b'hoys and g'hals, with glossj- shirts 
and broad-axe collars, and peggin' awl heeled boots, beaver hats 
and other marks of nobility. The ball opened, the flashing- 
lamps flickered their radient light on its walls. The ladies canie 
swarming'm like "yaller jackets," with their linen and calico. 



43 
The lion hearted yomiL,^ men from the Grand River brakes, was 
gatherin^i in like ne^^roestoa *'co'n shuckin'." The music be- 
!L;an, and 1 swooned away. Oh! I thought, if I had to come 
out before those pretty ^''als, and commence trying to show. It 
liad l)een told to one of my friends, that I had my "traps' 'with 
m3,an 1 if I cojM geta room. that I would have a show.'iCuss'* 
the one that told it, for he was the most influentall man in th'e 
•"Heel" — a blacksmith — and, don't you recollect where 1 first 
seen "Tom" dancing with a blacksmith ? Well, this' was a 
Smith, but not Jim Smith, no, a nicer man fifteen to seven. 
I knew that he would be after having me to try my "grit" on 
that crowd. I thought that I would make my disappearance 
about the time he got ready to call upon me. I was busily en 
gaged, feasting my eye on the pretty gals, and. my ear on the 
rich music, some one in the '*mess'' remarked they was tired, 
and suggested that all take a little rest. I knew that Joe would 
call upon me pretty soon. Oh, how I did wish that I could find 
a hole and crawl into it^ and stop it with my grreat big toe ! 
While I was thus meditating, I concluded to play a lit le 'pos- 
sini with hill. I crouch'^il down in an out-of-the-way place, 
and coininencrd snoring like a cat on a warm hearth stone. I 
licrird some one call for '*that show, loe, that was eoinu: tn 
come off." 1 heard Joe call for "Shacklefoote." I laid still 
as a lad in a water inelon patch, till he came 'round and gave 
me a shake like across woman does her pard, when he u, sets 
her soap kettle. He told me to give them a little show, while 
t ley were ready to look on. I thought if I never had a show. till I 
gave one before such a fine gathering as that, I would plunge 
my tricks into the river, and swear myself out of the profession 
I told him that I had left the most of m)' tricks, and had forirot- 
ten my curtains. I got off slicker than I expected to. ^^M^ 
may imagine that I congratulated myself on getting oft" so well. 
We packed up next morning and returned home. I wiis almost 
at an end what to do or where to go for another undertaking. 
1 tried several school houses, but could get none. Some told 
me they didn't want any "munkey shows traveling through 
their country, to teach their children vice and sin, and rob them 
of their weasel skin. I was getting quite wearv. v.-ben one 



44 

m jriiing while passing through town, I saw some fl^ wery bliuw 
bills placed in different places over town. They aunciuncca 
that ::>i^. Carl, would give a grand exhibition in "the i^iai the t 
evening. Every one in the town was please tothmkthey wis 
going to have a hae time. Everybody was interested, aiid ev- 
ery one was going, and I went too. I wanted to see how big 
managed the thing. He done well in getting a crowd ; bui loJks 
was not as well pleased as Sig. was, lor he made it pay well e- 
nough to decide on trying agui the next night. The boys here 
was always ready to get up contusion or set some off in madness . 

Some of tUe b<>ys propesed for me to get permiss'on of the hall, 2and ha^e a 
show the same ni;;ht ot SigV just for the fun of the thing, and 1 cun«eiJt« rJ.The 
whole set whs in for it, and [he boys l)eli)ed me in getting the liall, posted li Is 
and madv' me feel bigger than ^Samson's iwin sister. TUe ."Honorable C'oi ii< i 
Band" was at my service, and every n)ember was int rested in the ailriir, and 
displayed great anxiety to see Carl beat. 1 thouglit as i iiad done passably well 
in my first attempt, 1 thought I might do as well this time, by tk« htip \,f a 
natural ventriloquist and a Silver Cornet Band that would grace th Selit>' Cir- 
cus. You may think thnt I am speaking in eulogistic praise of the b^nd, be- 
cause they were going to toot for me, but 1 only speak of the custom with which 
this band always treated any respectable concert, or lecturer that visited their 
village. And procuring necessary articles we commenced for performanc** in a 
short time. Mg. Carl was located in the front room of Mr. Kobins' building on 
Front street, facin;^ the lane and corntield, my place of coming together, was •„. 
round towards the post ofhce. in the loft of a plow houge,— they cajled it an*'ag 
ricultural hall' — and 1 thought before I got through that it was a. huiii sure » - 
nou^h' for I hauled about three car loads of plows, hoes, harrows, and Jack 
Kobison couldn't tell what I didn't haul out of it. The hauling done, something 
else had to be done or Big. would get the crowd, for he was howling like a starv 
ed liound for a beef's shank. The town was lighted to its brightest spieiidoi 
and the whole population was walking the hog path street*, hurying me to g, I 
ready quick, or Sig'll get 'em all. The band wat brajing like herd of mules and 
the crowd was gathering around Sig's door. 1 came •ut and squalled at the top 
of my quenzical force: Harkeu unto my call, big, little, one and all. March to 
the City Hall. The band marched for the haul, ant I as sure as nine and an- 
other 'ne is half a score, they hauied the crew after them, as I had forgotien to 
have a door keeper. Now what another mess I'm in, the'band roaring, the i/est 
violinists in the country, second to notteljsave Ole Bull, the tinest'youn^- ladies; 
and — eh, dat watch melon girl was there,; the merchants, druggists, dociois,' 
lawyers, men women, and children. Now what was to be done .'' 1 was into it 
this time like snakes in a soap barrel. I couldn't get out t^is^time, 1 was Jike 
the sow that was washed, and returned again to tJie wallowin in tneimirei;whv 
didn't that Negro Heel scrape give me warning ? why didn't my tiieiids teil me 
of the coming danger? I thought of evervthing in an instant, except some Wiiv 
to get out of it. They were yelling tor "Shackelfoote to come to the lroiii."Tii'e 
ventriloquist was beliind the curtain, waiting for forme to get through with my 
tricks. I could think of no trick to commence with, nor of nothing t<» say. i 
went to thinking harder than a mule couk' kir-k, and thought of something to 
do! to jump out of the window and kill myself? m) it wasn't that eithtr. 1 
remembered how brave and fearless George and Bill had butchered the water 
melons without the fear of man or reproach of woman, and I concluded to do 
likewise. 1 told Mr. Colman, the invisible speaker, that 1 had forgotten a cur- 
tain, and went down town to where they kept the seductive allurement in whose 
sparkling bubbles lurk more Satanic destruction than ever entered the herd o* 



45 

swine that hilid clown the hi.l jnto,the se *. I called for two horns, quafled tlie i 
down and Wfiitback. I had two boys prepared.fwr the actofcuum^ Uicii iiea, .a 
oil', tiad the Marshal's l)()y's head througfi the hole in Ihm piatter, una roia- 
luonced. Ladies and Geiuleiuen : If you have tlie bioud houii i nearls lo .-,1. 
and. gaze on a human being thus murderously presetted l»»'lori^y<:)U, aiid liOt . e 
move<l witii horror — if you can 100k upou the scene ui an iJiJtoceat. ehiia, Lnc 
son of your Mai shall, wuliuut^your hearts melliiiif with emoiioaai leiiiiii's,ii.eu 
i inquire, to whjit.race do you belong? 1 could nut piay it suiiiieuM ihe&e.riiajps 
an 1 did out in the brakes— they «aw it wa» a.salttd case being put uil on {.ui^m 
for fresh, trout, and beganj: "Hiss, hiss, muraer ! assassin ! put iiim uui, Ziui, 
'A\n\, arrest him, he's killed your little boy ! do ivn in front." Aaci m my i-Aciiv- 
iaent, t re«led back, for tke narcotical substance just began to simmer 1 stag- 
gered against the atAn<i aud down i coMe, on the boy that was unuer ii, iuui 
iiere w« wa«, all in a pile, making more noise than iiogsin a slaui;jtiter pen.Ho.-s 
nidcs and siiaie skins, vrhat a spluge I'm iii agin ! iUe bo. s clapjniig .heir 
hands like ten thousands clap-boards ; stamping their feet like i)ouiidiiig ue*. i 
for a boarding house ; cheering asif^Mark Twain was Jeriuniig , hri<i,min^ 
down in front, come to thejrear, pick up yourself, don't kill Cal ; put hisheaaou 
again, an<l kill Pat — -iuno what else. \et J wa« notto be whipped. ftoiunaLi- 
took tkie.ring trick. I got my cane, strung the ring over tne cane after Jiaving 
first given it for scrulinization to Benjamine Casebolt, a blacksmitn, then 1 got 
the *Map ring' aa they called it, placed in in my mouth and si)riiikled it with a 
crimsoa looking fluid*, aud remarked;: Ladies. and (jentlemen : You see befoie 
yott one that has a ch -ek ha*-d enough tojja'dmit of a ring parsing tJirougn u, 
ofcour.se I must hare an extra hard cheek to undergo UjI tfeis : And wha< k 1 
took the stick that Hen. ana another fellow was holding. I atruck such a"biow 
that it knocked the.stlck out oi their hands, and staggered back, and lorgetting 
what 1 had in;my hand, dropped the ring oh th« tloor. Moll Keller and fc^ady 
Horner ! what a cry was set up then. They slapped their hands aud stamped 
their feet, and yelled out, "there's your lap ring, pick it up. — where did you steal 
Jake Page's clover ring for hog,R snouts ? The gals were all grinin' and their 
teeth looke<i white, because tiiey was seeing so^much fun out of JShackieloote i 
made an etfoit to pick up the riJig, and dow'n I went like astick-aud-elay chim- 
ney falliiis; in a mud hole. Then the applause^came in agin. Still 1 would not 
give in. I told them 1 wai given to such tricks when I thought of somethinf 
nice. They wauted'to know what it was, and 1 told them it. was a gal, but tne 
nic«,part was the trick she learned me to do. It was the wizard s supper. 1 frot 
the paper and conipienced ctiewing and cmming it apparently down me like put 
ting Aiay in.a.barn loft, and I soon got hold of the barber's pole, and drew it out 
like drawing a rabbit out'en its bunow. It broke in the mic'dle and then an- 
other wild cry w^as set up. "Harry there's your barber's pole, run tell Zeke to 
come and get his pole, IShacklefoote's going to swallow it. again ! He's ^wallow 
ed*a telegraph po^e and tore his throat out. Where did you get that mult's tail 
do'tun infront." i was sick of "down in front," but 1 was.in it too deep to jump 
out untd^I gave it another trial. 1 mixed the paper around, and got hold of the 
Atianlic cable — this was a long strip of tine paper, in a roll so.as to resemble a 
long roi)e. i <;ommenced drawing it out until i had about twenty feet, then they 
"set'er up agin." vVhat a noise they made about a littie piece of pa]>er ; they 
yelled out "look out Shack, what you have got there, when did you svf allow that 
bed cord? look, he's pulling his wind pipe out, cut it off— Zim, arrest him, h«'s 
trying to pull Ins insides out — you've stole thatropt off Edisons well— «o/Ivt in 
front. 1 was getting tired of it, but thought 1 would tiy one more aiul see if 1 
could get s<jme trick on them, i took some needles and strung thern on a tliread 
aud showed them some not strung, and told them I was going to thread them 
with my tongue. I had them iu mv mouth and put in the others, roiled them 
around witli my tongue anri drew them out in a s'ring — they was a little misled 
about it, till I turned t« take the loose ones out of my mouth, and in tumblinir 
them aroun<l, got.thr»;eor four run halfway through my tongue. I began to 
hawK and claw with both hands, the tears run out of my eyes, but succeeded in 



-^6 

getting them out and flun^ tiioia all ovjr t lu iioor. They wuat to s [ua.i.ig < d 
.■^liouting,'"\vliatiiare you citing wituyi>uj laajua's need i. sin you lUijuta, t. \in 
to make home ouc* thmk you're Bharp a.s tliey ari*. Go home and lei'or ])aiv i 
your oreertK's witli tiiem, run for the Uoctkr, he'^gut a „ht i-u, lih-j*,- d&ujii lu 
ji'&nt.'^ i wanted to. get out of it, some wa} , init diaii't.kuuNv how. 1 f'huij;i]io 
1 wouid try one more. 1 had an old pigeon, ami told i>iem it tjie, w<)uld I eha\e 
1 would sliow lliem a trick worth dout^ie ihe pi ic-; ol Mdmji-Muu, Ji ,va.-> lunny 
to see tlie trickfe i liad been at, and tliey McHUhI to hte iUiulht;]-. 1 cHiJed loj \i 
hat, and a young druggibt pa^teed his <)\er. ^ i took it aiKi got, tiie bland out tliat 
my lail had IracLureu, jjlaced the hat over it' and poked tne old i-igeon ihiou^U 
the hole in the stand. 1 might have passed tins trick on themjif i Jia<i noilui- 
got where my hand^wat, and m, taking the hat U]), thay discovered my iiaj.u 
holding the pigeon. W liat anuther heilelulaii ! u seeJu/d as it evejy tliiuai. aij«i 
set of lungs was employed in one boui liarrovving bcreaii; — iieuer than htty }»;.Ji 
thers; y<?lled louder than a wiioie tribe of Indians, shouted like muitiiudt" o. ne 
groes at camp-meeting in a Southern clime or a street Juli of pol.ce nuir, "dioo 
uigeon, fly pigton, get loose, JShacklefoote will.swallow you Jbiil gel y^ur lia*. 
Take your liand out of there. ' Tlie old pigeun tlup])ed"oul. fcjoaied upon its 
piniona so fairy-like, and seated nimseif upon a becim in the gijrrui, auu i*jok d 
down upon us as it to say "depart Irom here ye workers oi siica iniquity.'' i 
would have went long before, bui could thnilv ofno wa^io free mys-,41 from such a 
punishment. The crowd bej^an to look lor bonuthiug else, and 1 been, jt had 
to come to a blutf or something worse. We had j>romisid mem a dance aiiej- 
the performance and some of the gals got anxious to see it out, an.l made st)iiJe 
remark about the dance, and said that if they kept u)) such afu.'^s as that, they 
W'ouid huve to do their dancing to-morrow, i began to realize what was the m< l- 
ter. They was getting out of numor, and i tiiougni my. best plan would be lo 
do sometliing that would make them nure out of humoj', and^Uegan to look up 
some other trick. I called for some youngj la ty s 1 aidkeichief. I didn't intend 
to do much, only start them, ;or they weie staying too long. I liked female so- 
ciety, but 1 did not like so much in pile. So 1 thought 1 would poliiely oisu.iv.'-s 
them, and invite them to come and see me again, i took the haiidkercbiLl, au- 
mired it very much, wondered if I would ever iiave a wife lo do up handki rchiefs 
so w^ell as that. Started back, dropped the "kerchi< f,'' and soiiie one kicKed it 
back to the gal, and 1 made a stagger, kicked over the 'pigeon btand," tore tiie 
curtain down, and by this time, ttie additional "swigs" i nad taken, set me in a 
fair way to make a good blunder, i run backward, snorted, kicked and btan.])- 
ed, till every one thought I was going mad, and fled.. When the house was clear- 
ed, J. sacked my traps and toddled out nw better pleased than any of them. 

Haul^to— there— dash my head into a soap^gourd — skin my nose mit a nut- 
meg grater — take my tongue for tad-pole killer-comb m\' head with a two hor^e 
harrow — chuckle me under the chin with a churn dasher — 1 had done it then — 
Flint-lock Robins! _ 

K3§(0)§IgH 

, CHArTEU VI. 

The Artopticoti or Sennoii in the Valley - 

Air: — Thf. Gray Goose March. 

The foolish Virgins never trims 

The lamp, that lighteth her on ; 
So then, a warning take of them, 
• When you have an Artopticon. 

And when you go to have a .-'how, 

Be careful with the sheet; 
And then your minister wont know 
When with him you must meet. 

Brother BRiTCHEaLbo 



47 

r^OW ivaJcr, I've coinc lo bee you again; and liow do you all 
ill leei aiLer our ruiiipus in the piow-house? 1 leel like an old 
pa^r ol iinsey wolsey oreeche^; like worsted, Uiou^n i hope 
that you ieei becier man i do. r'erhaps you think that 1 am 
done shovvnig, but noi bu,iis irae 1 have not tried aay m^n'e lor 
a vvniie, bat remember liiai i nave taken this for my m.ssiou, 
my way ol" oread getting, and my field of harvest, die watch 
word "shove ahead" and iait r not, lest 1 perish by the all. 1 
was desirous to get somethmg more, and some new place to go 
to show at, and thought i would strike out and see if i could 
find out some new trick,! knew a place away down the river, i 
imagined that it would be a good place to try some moreot ir.y 
tricKs,ii 1 could get nothing better, bo i packed up evci}' tiim 
i could toat easy, and chmed on Lue tram; the conUacLoi eume 
round and asked me wnere i was moving to, 1 told him l v\as 
going down liie country aways to get up a snow; wellsa)s ne 
why didn't you take a inegiu with your plunder, we uoa t ha^ 1 
such loads on nere; you'll liave to change on to a Hat next sta- 
tion, now thought i, here is going to come somethmg else; but 
i told him 1 v.cxiited to go lo the third station, and i was going 
to :...- V on tliei e, u; i ana mm would have an Irisn weddnii:- oi" 
c.i liisa WciKc. wiiicii ever he wished to cail it, but he uiun t 
s^ein LO want any fun, so 1 past to the third station; tneii J had 
to shoL.lder my luggage ana mosey out, 1 made it to a Iritnu.--, 
about a mile away irom the station, I had a big vaiise full oi 
tricks, bun lie of curtains-sheets, in one huge roil, and 2 long 
pawpaw poles. 1 arrived at my old friends, and had along ia.K 
^vitn him and hib old lady; then i told them, 1 had ihou^nt ot 
having a show some wnere in the neignborhood, it I couki get 
a liouse or a room to show in, they were all anxious to see it 
go off, and my friend "Km" told me she knew where I could 
get a room; she said 1 could get a room over in the warehouse 
at the station where I had come past. Next morning I seKjut 
to see about it, 1 found the agent a gentleman, and soon jnade 
arrangements for the purpose, and reiurned to my friends, told 
Em 1 was going up to town to |.ut up some bills, she icl i n ^^ 
that 1 had better not put any oins up there, that there was a 
set ol bad ieilows there that was very a[>t to break up any 



48 

thing that came round, and told me that I hj.J ueitei' put my 
bills up around through the bottom, and 1 would get a good 
crowa, and not have any trouble about it. 1 took her auvice 
and placed them in every conspicuous pl-.ce in the vicinity. 
But that eveninor 1 went in town to look around, and i 
heard them on every corner, talking about going to uc a show 
at the Station. 1 had printed on the bil.s the trick el cutting a 
man's head oft, and 1 have ofte:i regreted that 1 knew 
it. 1 heard them telling eacn otner mat 'it Shack, didn't sliOiV 
that man slaughter, they would ride him on a rail to the river 
and bapiize him lor^the remission ot his lies/ 1 returned to 
my place, and told Em. they had heard it in town, and was 
coming. She said it was no more use to try to please mat town 
crowd with a show, than to make a woman like her husband. 
1 told her that 1 would do something with them, as sure as 1 1 
and 13 IS 24. On the evening of the show, me and Em. went 
over, and thought if anything unusual had happened I would 
not undertake the opperation. Em. went to a Iriend's house, 
wnile i and her brother got things in shape. Em. came down 
to see how 1 was getting along, and I told her sh^ must kee.j 
door while I kept preparing. She was at the door \Mien tne 
crowd came. She stood in tne door with the ticket box ana saiu : 

"iSow, Ladies and (jrentlemen : I am kere to disi)use ot tickets for the lion. 
Allehue fciiiackiefoote's Comical and Magical Enienamment. If any one wisb- 
es to enjoy the pleasure of a spleen shocking laugk, come and purchase V'mji- 
tickets. ' They ail purchased a ticket, like tney were going to see Barnuni. lii y 
ihought J Had some one there ihat needed killing, and would allow ihtm .<. 
snare in the sport, But the preperation for^this feat is too unhandy to oe ear- 
ned around, as 1 was traveling. They were all in tine spirits, or else line spirits 
was in thnn. 1 commenceii with the barber s pole ; but that was only a vexa- 
tion : — they yelled out '"throw that blowdy i)aper out of doors, and leL*^u>ssee the 
man killed' — we^want to see liow bold a nuirderer you are — we want U) hee who 
you are going^Lo assassinate." 1 told tliem i did not have the required articles 
to perlorm mat trick, but would show some that vvas as good, anu would come 
bacR some time and perform tlie trick for them. That made them worse, "iiar, 
thief, traitor, villian' scoundrel, uurglcr, treason I treason!! irea&on !l!3pat him 
out, he's stole our money— whal'il we do with him." By this time 1 1011 m ^ 
word a little louder than i was in the habit oiexertin^ my lungs, and told tlum 
1 had the trick with me, and would sliow it in perfeclion^; but i always made jl 
a point to ted iny audiences that 1 did not h.ive it, no as to see how much 1 could 
.■5urx)rise them, and ho\N much they wanted to see it; l)Ut 1 vvas llie* saiprise<i 
party this time ; for they said i migiit as well say grace, if 1 didn't show ^that 
trick, iiim. had. already warned me. iSo box to cat on, no way to getout i7at to 
he out. i knew tlie train would soon be tncre, but 1 knew no way to get on. .No 
use to.try to jdead out, and began to thmk 1 whs doomed to take a biiih in the 
river before breakfast. Em. was getting ])retty well scared as w il as luysell, 
and she would do anything to get me out ; but poor little creature ho.v cjurtshe 



49 

do anything. I told them I would do some other trick before I commenced tho 
man carving. They were getting worried and threataing to lay me in the foun- 
tain for my tniscontiuct. 1 heard the train roaring, had little time to think, and 
n 1 did not escape, 1 was gone. P^m. was trembling like a leaf. 1 tohl Em. tliat 
I had to get out the bast way I could, and for her to go out and not let thorn 
that she was out. I began to pack uj) behind the curttin, and all was Jo.^king 
for me to begin my carnage They called Jor .Sback. to come out and do bOiue'- 
thing. Th« locomotive squ-'^aled, and — murder ! heiu! uh 1 --( ame.thccries ot a 
female in agony. So time to inquire what was the matter, I'vi all ihouglii they 
knew, and rnshed out expecting to find a female form crushed beneath the en- 
gine ; but none was found. 1 landed safely lhi the train, and wiien Em. saw I 
was safe, she darted bi'hind th» crowd, and no one knew what caused ttie rack- 
et, -ow, you think I've lied, but it's ar* true as Ingers'oll's sermons, »)• a tale 
told bv' a politician' or a descriptiou ol an article by an auction^i^i , and" I have 
the bist ot proof in California to substantiate it. i didn't stay to help hunt liw, 
woman, but Em. told me they didn't tind her abit. Thus ended the performance 
and I was driving to.vards home, and left Em. to dismiss the company. 1 don't 
kfiow whether she did or not, but I'll bet the best dog I've got in my drove, ihty 
missed me ! I tound nothing new this time, and had almost given up all 1jojh« 
of Mnding anything neuj, and had about half wav concluded to throw up on tii*; 
trick show, when an old gentleman told me he had an instrument that was en- 
tirely new ; that no one had ever seen anything like it, and 1 could do good bus- 
iness with it, aiid he would let me have it on good terms, and his son could help 
me UMtil I got familiar with its management, and so on. 1 went one evening i,» 
"zamine', the institution. It was a great concern, it looked like the engint an<l 
boiler of a mill, ur the machinery ef a Still. The old gentlemen gofer in iix and 
btfgan to operate it. It showed the Yose-inite Valley; the creation of the w orid 
the Foolisli Virgins, and where SaHison ran his head in the lion's mouth, ,iijd 
turned him wron^ side out. It struck my fancy. He said he was going awav 
for a while, and if 1 wanted to use it in my show, 1 could have it till he <^6t bac.N, 
I wante<l it becau.se I needed it. 1 thanked him for his kind ofl'er, and piomi.s- 
ed to p*y him for the use of it besides. We tit'er uj), and took a vaiise, and a 
pair oTsad'lle bajs as big as t\iiio c:df skins sewed togek.her, ta put it and the ti.x- 
iure« lt)c.oii;^iii^ to ii in. I wanted some place to show, for i had something n(.-w 
to siiow I ;oon loimd a place, and we get our old ArtO])tic(H\ in shape, and set 
out for the log .sciUMjl iuit, to give our first big display with the "out on-to])t-ot- 
the-coin-pin,' as it was called. It was nothing more than a Magic liaiitei ii. out 
it had to be called something frightful, to attract notice. We arrived aboui (1 irk 
and stretclied tlie currain on which to show Ailam's i reation etc. The cjowd 
began to ga her anvl wanted to see the oiit-on-to])t-of-tke-com-pin. \\ e had ^ Ur 
v.t'iv'siii the proper place, au"! amiomiced her ready. We liglned it, a no I com- 
menced. La^ les ami Gentlemen : Here we are going to show you the cr.-jiimi df 
tlie world, as it was when Adam was created in the beginiug— an ; out went our 
li ;hiit. They told us it M'as like the Davenport if ii itualist perfoi menccs. Tlit* v 
done ererything they could to ttase us. i tolA, ihem ue had forgotten lo {.ring 
any oil with us. They said were like the foolisii Virjrins,— v\e never tiMnmed 
our lamp*. Billy, the' old gentlemen's bwy, who gave me the loan of his lamp, 
said h«'d go and borrow some oil, — h* poii'd otit and was gone aitoiu as long as 
a lazy b©y after a bucket ot water, an(l returned without any oil. \\ e \rA^\ to 
adjourn sine die. In our hurry t > leave we lorgot our shvet, ami to Oiir )»ad lui.-s 
fortune, the next day was S'lnday. When M.»n.lyy canie aixl invite<l me out to 
iitake im{uiry about the mysterious disappearance <dthe lost, hidden or stolen 
sheet. I bad not pr 'ceeded far, when I met a Uard-Shelled Baptist pieacher. 
J askoil lum if lie had heard o auv one in t«is neighborhood or elsewhere who 
had fount a sheet that had he:;* Uf<ed sum.;. "Whar -li.l ye ose it at," says he. 
1 told him th.it I l^si it 8at.ur<iay evening at the scliool house. "Now. thiit'.^ a 
}>Brty piece o' bisness you're into. 1 seed ye're sheet haugin' in the school liouse 
yest-<»rdav when I war Solden Jiteeten thjvr ; thars whar yrju're sheet is an* let 
>ne tell ve heii . if that'.-' the kind o* bisness you'r,' foll'erin', wliar to (-Joodnes.^ 



e50 

do ye reckon you'll come to, yes, whar'll ye be, Avhen tho old rJni t/iile<l Sat,m 
comes like a roarin'line seekin' whom he kin devour ;yoii'll be \\ee] in' ah' nash- 
in' you're teeth, that's whar you'll be. What do ye think tha Lord'll s;iy t»> ye? 
He 11 say 'depart ye cussed into everlastin' punishment, prepare«l for th'y devil 
an' his angels, for I don't know ye !'and ye'll be ca«t into outer darkness, wiiar 
thars weepin' and wailin' and nashen o' teeth, so ye will. You're traveli'n' the 
broad road nowaint you ? They's n«thin' in the way, now, but it'll not be tnnt 
way alars, and"— 1 expect the old skunk would been at it yes, if 1 hadn't st(i|>- 
ped him. I told him that I was no stoical being that had liu heart, and that 1 
had never heard the right kind of a preacher, and if ne would go andjbaptize me 





ed him to embalm me in th« pool of 8iloam, and wash my sin.s awav. I Io(»ke<l 

as innocent as a sheep with its nose bloody. We went down to the branch of 

Jardon, and prepared for the immersion. I thought i was a little rude, bni 

the old fellow ought to have a little pay for his sei-mon in the vallev, and 1 ha i 

no way of paying him, except to learn himalesson, and I think h- iVanK d ota 

too. 

"N( 

hin 

lar and broughthim down after me. If you ever seen ^^ hales flounce or shaikK 

flutter, he done it. He roared like a call dying with frozen tater in its throat. 

He kicked and made more of a splunge than a catfish with its eyes punched out. 

Hurrah! let's go to supper, John Ash Hopper. 

^3+§(o)§4g-^ 

CHAPTER, VII. 

The Later Serapes with the Artopticon. 

Air: — Df. ole Gray Mar come tarin' outen de Wilderness. 

Now holy Christians one and all. 

Come look on the scenes of ye olden time; 
The ma,o;ic lamp though very'smiall. 

Will show them to vou very fine. 
That light! thatli^ht! do-shut it ofl'. 

Or it will destroy us all ; 
Lookout! that mar will throw yoti off", 

And that will be as bad.— Old Flag Tail. 

rnO doubt but you have accused me already of usinor too much 
jjj hyperbole, and would like to hear something of more iuter- 
est. And now I am going to run at you again, we found our 
sheet;right where we had left it and now we had everything'- to 
gether again, but I had not got to see how the new Spanish fan 
dangled back-acting, steam heaUng fire resisting, nonexplosive 
aparatus which was warranted never to rip ravel, nor run down 
at the toe, get hot in the guzzle, nor wear out at the wide end 
to which the tickets is 3 hugs 2 kisses i smack, an(i a squeeze 
1 was getting anxious to see how,the tarnel cntter wasgoiiiV; to 
act, and so fiually I made up my mind to make anolhe • triaf 1 



•51 

recollected how my trick show had took with the peopl*^ where 
I had made my first trip, so I put out to make arrangements 
for another conglomeration. I had my bills struck for the Ar- 
topticon describing many old scenes and biblical events and the 
like, thinking that 1 had got something wonderful nice, I started 
w^ent over to an old gentlemans house that had the managini^ 
of the school house, and he managed something else too, for he 
had a great big dog; and that wasn't all either, he had several 
fine girls; and he had one of the Grossest old beasts that ever 
was in a pasture, I wasn't thinking of the old brute bothering 
me at all, I went to the gate took hold of the latch, I noticed 
the old brindle fellow lying near the walk that led to house I 
saw him roll his great huge blood shotten eyes, as much as to 
tell me that I had no business inside but I would go in nolens 
VoleiVS, I opened the gate and started to go through; the old 
son of satan raised and made for me, I turned, but before I 
could get the gate open agin he nailed me right by the gable 
end of my trousers and held C^xv like a vice, I screamed for him 
to let go but, he held tighter, I managed to get the gate open 
and hauling him after me, I got his neck between the gate and 
post and if ever I pulled at a gate I did then, I had the old dogs 
head through the gate and had him as fast as if he had been in 
a bears hug, every girl, woman, and child on the place, come 
runing and screaming and scolding old touse, with clubs broom 
churn-dasher, ax-handle, cradle-rockers pot-hooks, and every 
" article of battle that could be got. They all feathered in on him 
and if ever you seen a dog get a frailing he get one, I 1 ad al- 
ready cut his wind off I thought enough to satisfy him, but soon 
as I h^t go a little he jirked his head out, and then my e^c ipc 
had to be by flight, I crossed the lane, jumped the fence, and an 
old gander that was minding the nest seized me right b\' the 
calf of the leg, Moll-row ! how it hurt, he biteth like a serpent 
and stingeth like m adder. I turned on the old gander for figlu 
I kicked and cuffed and tried every way to whip him i^{{, but 
he held on with iron jaws, and battled me with the elbows ot' 
his wing till he raised big blue spots as big as horse shoes all 
over my legs arms and every place that he could get a lick in on 
me. while 1 was right in the busiest part of the battle, I seen old 



02 



hornet coming bawling, belloiJring, pawing twisting his tail, nll- 
ing his eyes, and throwing the dirt worse than a dozen Irish- 
men working on Era Canal, I knew very well that retreat was 
necessary, for I had as much as I wanted to do with the old fowl 
that had showed foul play already, I started to run across the 
lot or pasture with the old gander hanging on to my leg and 
squalling every breath he drew; old hornet was right on to me 
but I tore lose from the old gander and cleared my self in to a 
thorn patch, tore off half of my clothes and a big patch or two 
of skin as big as pancakes, tore my flesh in a -dozen places and 
went home whiped out completly. Then I had to wait until 1 
could get a chance to catch him away from home, and it was i.ot 
long till I saw him on the road to mill and obtained permission 
to perform my new aparatus in the school house, but tfee old 
mans son that had helped me with it before had went away, 
and I was left alone with the monster show, and I had it all to 
carry myself, the time was here for me to fix for it, I had no 
vehicle and had to ride an old mare of my friends, I had much 
to pile on the critter, 1 took care to fill the lamps before starting 
I had a valise full before, a pair of saddlebags behind, and sev 
eral other things around me, I was off for my show, preity soon 
I met old friend Math Nueder, he wanted to know where 'as 1 
going, I told him, I was going to Virginy, he seemed to be 
surprised, and gave good advice, bidding adieu we shook hantis 
and parted; and to this day he thinks I an in Virginia. I went 
on until I reached the spot, tied up old flagtail, and went into* 
the house, a friend helpeil me get things set up, it was not long 
till the crowd come pouring in and gathering around the door 
they had seen the bills, and seen that it was a scriptral thing as 
they called it, they didn't see how any body could show David 
Daniel and Sampson when they had been dead 50 years, one 
old fellow said that he had no idea that we had any ©fern, he 
said that "Abraham had been dead to his knowin' over 40 vear' 
yes says one of them "ihey say they 're goin to show old samp- 
son a killin the lion, don't we know that Delilj courted it out- 
en Sampson whar his graat strength war, an then the filicitians 
killed him an thats been a 100 years ago, yes nmr'n that I rec- 
ken" we told them t4iat it was juet the |nrturL.> of ti.em paint- 



53 

ed en glass, and we was going to make them look big, on a 
sleet slKicl^td Fgair^t the v^all,one old fellow said that "if its 
goin to be a pictur' show he'd go home, he had the pictur' of 
George Washington, Henry Clay, anjd Gen'rl Jackson, an they 
're as good picturs as he wanted to see" we told them we had 
an instrument that would show its pictures in the most mag- 
nificent manner and if they wanted to see all the wonderfull 
scenes of the scriptures that we were going to have them to be 
seen. We coaxed them into the house and got their quarters 
and then wccommenccd displaying the scenes of painted glass 
and coal oil, we had showed the great creation^of the world and 
Adam in the garden where Eve begiledhim, and he turned 
states evidence on the poor gal; some would say that they had 
never heard tell o' the like. Some v\^anted to know if we did 
n't have ole Satan in their a shinin out sich light as that was, 
through hir, eyes, thoy were ail enjo} ing it to their hearts con- 
t jfti whon 1 thought i would make it do its best licks, to see 
how well I could please them, I turned her up a few pegs and 
there we had it. The oil liad got in good fix and when I turn- 
ed it up, it shot a flame higher than a man with a plug hat on , 
standing in a j^rog sho^3. Such an other light never was seen 
since Nero had his banquet on the lake; and another such 
knocking over benches, rolHng tumbling, crying cursing knock 
inir out window lights, and crowding out of the house, never was 
f<een or heard of before. One got his ear cut a little, and may- 
be you think he didn't make more ado over that one ear, thnn 
ninety and nine that crot no scar. He said he had paid enough 
money to buy three ducks, and he had saved on. purpose to go 
into the show, and now he would have to work half a day dig- 
ging tater for Hiram to cotch up. During the timel got the uid 
rattle trap to the door and kicked it as far as I could. It went 
whiling througli the air with such force that it was extinguish- 
ed. I went to sacking up again. Everything ready 1 led old 
flag tail to the fence and got on. 1 told her to start, but she 
stood still as an Egyptian mummy. 1 knew she was a good 
balker to a wagon, but never thought of her attempting vj balk 
while riding. 1 tried j>'H'S!)adiug her 'a ith a chib, when .ill at 
Uii^t,' ft'ae Went plun.viiu- .t.i.l i< ;-iri:!!^. tlie .Vnoptieo;! n^akiiur 

IOC '^ '■ o 



W-i 



•51 

more fuss than six spinning- wheels,. three looms weaving, h^o 
cotton gins, and fifty log chains, all going at once ! She stop- 
ped as suddenly as she started and wouldn't go till 1 gave her 
a good mauling. Oh Moll ! quit stamping my toes, it 1 wasn't 
mad. Had tore my new show all to peices, and couldn't get: 
home without walkincr and leading- old Ha^tail. 1 tried morai 
suasion, but found no pay in it. 1 tried corjjoral punishmcni. 
and this time she reared higher than a dog trying (o reach a 
side of meat ; and kicked worse than dad's brindle cov\^ when 
you go to milk her, and shook her head like a woujan ^hakes 
her fist at her husband when she has the breeches on, and 
switched h^v tail like a pole cat in a hght,and plunged head- long 
into the bushes, where they were thicker than bugs in buaiuiijg 
house — into a patch of rose briers, thorns bushes, green briers. 
honey locust, and everything that bears stickers, was onto me, 
under me, around me, and sticking into mer— wild cats, toln 
cats, nor mad cats could be a "patcheu" to it ! 1 rolied, kick- 
ed, tumbled, swore, and worked like a set of rneri trying lo 
put out fire in a dry rail fence in August. My neck, legs, arms 
was wrapped, tangled and bound with briers, oak limbs, gra] e 
vines and everythmg that could get hold of me. 'Ihcy gather- 
ed round me, and it was darker than a man's face \vlu:ii you 
axe him to borrow a quarter. Thej asked if 1 was killed, and 
1 told them to listen at me kickincr that darned maoical caiuhc 
stick, if they thought 1 was dead. Now what sera peih I'm lu 
— scraped all over with thorns, and jack Cooper couldn't tell 
what else. The old brute got the bridle fast in some brush and 
lield I'ler last as a coon in a pole trap. 1 woikt^ci \{\y \-. ,r, ( ui, 
got my^magicl machinery packed up, and iaid across tlie sad- 
dle, and racked out leadinp" old i]a.'^ tail like a ijen.ic CiO[y, un- 
til I got to an open place, and then, led her to a stump and 
mounted into the saddle. I expected she would dart off like a 
thief in a cornheld, but ^he stood as firm as a sturdy oak ! I 
commenced using a board that I had picked up. She stood it 
as long as she thought an anim'al ought to take such treatment, 
and raised her back in the middle and stretched out her, neck, 
and 1 begap to understand that some one had to cither come 
off, or stav on. I m;ule it nt) to stnv on till 1 was piM (AT. SJie 



kicked up behind and before at the same kme, — at least I fail- 
ed to notice anv' difference, but I held on like a sailor ridin<^ 
the waves. Finding that* 1 was going to stick to her like a 
grease spot on a carpet, she light .down the road. It wasn't 
far to a house, and if you ever heard rattling and banging it 
was then. I had to let her go at full speed or not all. Here 
we went, and out came three curs, four hounds, six or seven 
fistes, yaw-yaw, yelp-yelp; every one in the house ran out 
'*what's the matter ?'' 1. yelled at the top of my voice, that old 
touse was dying and went on. Here — there — saw my leg off 
above my elbow, and arm below my knee, ruffle my temper 
with a Suiting iron, and poke me in a pond to heal my wounds. 

CHAPTER,. VIII. 

Offers description of the Show on the Bii^ Muddy 

A 1 1: > -T//C d mad wench. 
The ^ri>at comic theater, has now begun, 

Come buy ycui a ticket, prei-i-iv to see luri ; 
Here now is tlie plat e tobuy you soniefnn, 

Come buy youa ticket before if sail done. 
"We've got bars Hn<l. vvolves and all such thing;s you know; 

^'o^]'ll never repj'et that you took it in so," 
AimI there are tne Akers with their fence posts, 

I'lit 1 have an idea they paid for the reast. — Ml: Saw. 

(THEN 1 reached home that night, after the "fast rick^" I 
foiiud m\ l')rother and two of my sisters had retui ned iVoin 
a inp in Aikai'Siis. Tliey tr>ld nn' iiiey liad perused the Stale 
aiKl lalher had settled ic-r a v^hile ou tbe Ijig Muddy, seme ^So 
mil'es South fr(t)ni where 1 was then sLayiii<;, with a sister in tia: 
village ot Old 'l\nvn, whc lu tiiey had come to visit, and soun 
as rliev vi.^iied around a while, were going l:)ack to spend tnc 
\\\\\ c.r oil liie'Big Mu<ldy, and w<uUed mc to go wiili th.'M.i. i 
jiad not seen my parerits siwce they drew theii- sheets ov(.r the 
wagon several nionths before, to pull fa- Arkans is. 1 had Aon • 
about/ as many tricks as I cared to do there, fence, was easv to 
])ersuade. When they got ready we started on our tour, on 
the banks of tke Big Muddy, ^^)u see I ha.H already laid waste 
with the A rtopticon-, and trick show, and of course must ii\ 
lo get lip somethiu',^ ciifferent orcjuit. 1 concluded to quit ana 
li'y to be soiaeb> }'. 1 his way of running around ; getting in 




56 
scrapes and getting scraped myself, and having ganders flop- 
ping me ; dogs running after me ; kings of cattle running after 
me; old mares tumbling me into beds of briers '^ curs, fistes, 
hounds and ''wimmin" running after me, was not pleasing to 
me, and I wasn't going to put up with such business. I knew 
I was marked off for some great man or high calling', and if no 
disfiguration interfered, I was the kind of a man to surmount 
any common difficulty. I went to reading the Bible, and told 
every body that I was going to preaching ; that I had been bap- 
tized, and was going to preaching at once. I knew a splendid 
place to commence, called '''Posum Bend School house. ^' I 
would read a while, then go in the orchard and practice preaching 
a while ; and during this time I could scarcely tell what ailed 
me, for I could hear music; my ears would stop up and I'd 
want to dance, and play on my fiddle, and to play some kind 
of a trick on some ©ne, and every time 1 would go to read,th(; 
Bible would open where Samson had the lion down, or where 
Adam was being created, and the creation of the world, or 
where I had had such gay old times with the old magical piece. 
Time marched round, for me to be off to **' Possum Bend" 
church. I found a good houseful and made preperation to be- 
gin. I walked in with my saddle bags on my arm, looked a- 
round and drew out my Bible and commenced : 

Ladies and Gentleman: — The whole congregation began to stare at mc^ as if 
I was blasphemin X. I noticed the disturbance, and s^id, Brethren and Sisters, 
please grant me an excnso for such nideinisti^kes; sometimes instead of preach- 
ing I deliver a lecture on religion, and it becom*»s necessary to address the peo- 
ple f>.s all the commonwealth. I had been to aMance, party or iioedown, the 
night before^ and the music was ringing through my head.. I was not there to 
detile myself, but becau.^e I loved the music, and to see them dance. 

Brethren'and Sisters: The subject"matter of this evening s devotion, you will 
find in the book of Job, xxxix:5-8. "Who hath sent out the wild ass free? 
Whose house I have made the wilderness, and the barren place his dwelling. 
He scorneth the multitude of the city, neithor ngardeth he the crying of the 
driver. The range of the mountains is hii ])a>itiire, and he .searclieth after ev- 
ery green thing." Bill, Van, Dick, and all my old show associates were there, 
expecting^me to bleat out like the lost sheeo of Isreal ; the thoughts of the 
night previous were fresh in my memory— I wanted to cut up. — I thought huw 
lively they all were in my previous undertakings, and how stupid, thev were 
there. "My sin stricken >)rethren and more especially the sisterii, un'l whv, 
perhaps you will ask, do I lay such stress on rhe sisterns. I was beginning to 
think about the gay time we had the niirht before, and said, because 1 would u»)t 
have them look so r/ixtressing as they are looking now — "all promenade,"! yell- 
ed, which set them all in wonder, at'tiieir new preacher; but before any one re- 
buked me for my defect, I said, all prominent ma<le people vpsniue a pleasing ionk 
and never appear so disRonsolato- fur o4ir textjfhows us tji li wef.iioi.Jd bc: more 



0/ 

free and independent, fdr don't it say. "Hcregardeth not the cryinc: of the 
driver," m>, let us not be driven to such grave appearjinte. Ah i wa.s begining 
to lay it otlNntli boih haiidt>, 1 raited my voice to ahigln.rk^i'y and tjaidj'Aoaia 
am left' — Ihnje \vj b another interuption. The class leader Uioked as jii<:hi,(ii 
as a woman when she tinds t^er st-tting gonse broken u]i; but 1 niadt^ anoilier re- 
traction, and said, "yes, my brethren, A»iam am lelt .sure, it lie did not maKe 
re])entence, tor does uur text nut teaih us, tliat. all are j:Jven tlie bouiullesH wil 
derness t<tr our habitation, and all green things ar*« at oui ctuninauti; why tJjen 
should Adajii just f )r curiosity, tres|>asH thus, by eatinii one kind (dlruit. ' And 
while 1 was expuciating on "Adam's transgression," 1 lost myself again, anu 
"balance all" wentluud enough t:o be heard across the river. Some began lu 
mutter; some w^ere expanding their sides with laughter, and some were looking at 
me as it they thought me a lunatic ; but 1 said, "yes, the balance ot all mau 
kind have trespassed thus wickedly upon the same holy law!" i was ^oing in 
on it, and ' ceslia eight'.' I bawled, but before tfeey got lar in their^surprisement 
I said: Such shouldbe made eat sour green apple:* all the days of tueir ^lile. 1 
was then getting leveh d down to it in good earnest, and began to think of some 
old comic Bongs that I u.^ed to sing in my exhibitiouH, jiiid started ©ti', "The 
bullfrog jumped into the spring, sing song, Kitty j|can t kiniaoh." This time 
they gathered their hats and bonnets, and said they didn't^coine to be ridiculed 
in no such manner. 1 told them tiiey were all mistaken, that 1 had been taking 
quinine and it had made me very delirious, and besides, i J^always lisped, and 
they had not understood me. I told th«»m I had said, the bullfrog jumpeth when 
he fnaketii a s^jring, and Wi.s going to say, if they would be like lum, they could 
Ue more like the righteous, and for them to make a trial as accurate as tlie frog 
maketh his spring."' 1 toirt them the other part of my mistake was, that 1 was 
thinking 1 would call on Miss Kitty Carpenter to sing a hymn, but then thought 
it was not tinii*, and had said the bullfrog jumpeth when he maketh a srping, 
siHg a song Kitty, but it isn't time yet. t got straightened out again and was 
rolling. it otf like Anna Dickinson lecturing. It was getting pretty late, and 1 
began to think ot a certain step 1 used to dance in my perlonnances, and 1 had 
s«en a fellow the nv.;ht bcTore 'clip" the "toe nail touch," and letting myrtelf 
run.iu.y, commenced, "that's th« touch" and up 1 hopped— Ruch a clatter you 
uevr Ji'eard before, nor 1 either. I kickt d er otf lively, singing as 1 stepped, 
"cuss a nigger, cuss him dead, cuss his ugly wooly head." This was a final set- 
tlement; tiiey gathered their slouch-caps and out^they went, worse beat tlian 
people at a barbacue, when the roast don't come off. 

I seen thai it was no use for me to try to make a preacher. 
1 was too tuil of comic feehngs, to try such work, and saw that 
I was evidently laid out for a showman, and concluded to get 
up another shoyv. I had always been successful enough, ex- 
cept where such mishaps as 1 had been into were impossible, and 
thought I would try to get up some kind of a rig that would 
not be so apt to fail, and one that would bear detection. My 
sister had been staying in a village on the Big Muddy, where 
the young folks had a very fine concert, and she being a mem- 
ber of their comedy company, 1 knew we could give a good 
concert. Consequently 1 went to fixing for a Thearetical Con- 
cert, riad some new bills printed, and was going make the 
spoon this time, sure as nine and seven makes a spittoon. I 
rented .i r ooiu in the third story of a big hotel, got everything 



0.'^ 

in booming- style. I had lo undertake something new a:;ain. 
I had never acted Hke a negro, for I didn't hke their way oi" 
doing business, and therefore had never practiced after them ; 
but thought I could try at any rate. We loaded' up, got oiir 
tricks ready and again set out to make another attempt. You 
know^ about as much of a showman's life as I can tclL b.it J will 
remind you of a few such remarks and inquiries as they hav^: 
to hear. We had our things in the house, when big h' vs. ne- 
gro boys, men, women, and everything that could ask a quen- 
tion, gathered round and asked such questions as — 

What kind of a show have you got; what are yon goin^i to sh )W ; wl}o.se the one 
'ats proin' to do the showin'; have you got any bars, an' wolv s an' badgers, an' 
sich hke ; what do you charge to go into the show ; how uiiich'll it take to take 
me in ; when are you goin' to commence ; what's that woman's name ; what's 
she goin' to do ; who s goin' to play the tricks ; won't yon give me a free ticket , 
I used to belong to a show ; hellow Shack, that's you, reckon you'll pasf> me iri 
free ; I'll help yoii'tix up your tricks if you'll pa^s me in ; how many isthev of 
youall ; youall belong to one famdy ; wiiat s diat one's name? and dozens of 
questions that would till a volume. 

Jim Offord come up, a greatbig robuster, big enough to swal 
low three such shows. "Hellow boys, what have you got here'' 
we told him we was going to have a show, and wanted liim to 
take'er in. "Certainly we'll take'er in, get your tickets, and 
we go." We opened the ticket ofhc(\ and the)- all stood like a 
bashful gal when her beau is about. We told them we were 
ready to receive the crowd, and was going tojhave a real o-ood 
time — a grand theater, comedy, nigger show, and everything 
there \vas fun in. I golly, said a round headed little ni r, if ^'g 
gwin to give us something right funny, jist git two ole coons 
an' git 'em a fightin' that'll be mo' fun as you kin show. Of- 
ford came in front, and connnenced his description of what few 
animals lie said we had with us, and this is part of his Oration: 

Now boys, walk right up, bny your tickets; here is the place to huv voujself 
moie fun for less money than you will ever have again, this company has g(tt to 
have money to travel with, and we must all pay our share, so (onie "alonj:, see 
the monkev,see the Ix^ar, they 've gol,tliem;|hcM'e ; so never fear, to sin'vohr'ii'hare 
you must pre|)are, and go in there, come now, i)oys, men and cvery*l)odv bnv 
your tickets and walk in and sec the savage lions, tigers, elephants, rhinoceros 
kangeroos, hyppopotamus, bear*, a}>es, badgers. and scvcia- otheis of the brute 
and monsier creation; buy your tickets for .Shackiefootc's comedv com- 
pany, ice cream, lemonade, and cigars, conic hen^ every one. go into this sliow 
you never will regret it, so come along, h-t's taki^'er in, and sc^ Imw much inn 
we can get out of it. 

Tht-y llogucd aroi;r:d him like h't w.'is some su|)er natural 
being, speaking in an uiiknowi] longi.t*. ili-acli (jDc buu: ht a 



•30 

ticket, and went clamniering up stairs. Wil-o-the-vvlsp, what 
another mess them lads were. We tried to get them quiet; but 
it would liMVe been about as much use to try to quiet a herd of 
1 exas cattle. They wanted to know whar ihem huge monsters 
of bars an' wolves, and all sich w^ar as Jim said you were goln' 
to show. 1 told them we did not promise to show any such. 
Was going to have a comedy selection or comical interlude. 
They said they wanted no comucle interluges, they wanted to 
see them'er bars an' wolves they had paid to see, I told them 
1 would show them some tricks if they didn't like the deluge 
show; but stiJl they wanted to see the "bars an' wolves." But 
1 endeavored to try some trick, and begun with the mao-ic tt^ro- 
bag. 1 g(»t my puke, and wewt to try it on 'em. 1'he poke had 
a secret pocket in it, and 1 placed the eggs in their respective 
places, and said, now here is the wizard s egg bag trick, and 




^ , g 

you when she misses her ole hen's eggs. He's a rohber, guilt> o'robUin a hens 
jiest ; siie^ik oil au' die, shame on you ; lie to you; he's a sheep, no heaint,lies 
a skunk, 'cause skunks robs hens nests ; he'swus'eina pole cat; a 'J>ot^^um 
wouldn't (it) so mean ; no, a sucker aig dog'e<l be ashamed to do the like. 1 
r ibb vl burnt cork over my face and tixedup in Southern costii.ne, and came out 
U.Hi ii,;'y l>'gan to whooj-ee, tl)ais tScott. Howdy Scott, what in tliunder youdoin 

1 got my old tidclie and began to sing, and every voice in tlu- 
house joined in and began mocking me sing. Some would '^o 
like goats bleating, others like cattle lowing, dogs howlin<>", 
roosters crowing, hogs squealing or mules braying. 1 was try- 
ing to sing the song about the htde nigger seeing an elephant 
eatino with his tail. 'Idiey w^ent at it again : 

Jist listen to that song! hi thar, if that the" kind of a elefunt you've got, we 
don't want to see him. if he kin jat with his tail and mouth toi»,vou must have 
a hard time feedin' 'em. Whar did you git sich a elefunt, we don't want to |see 
si(di elefunts as em. 

1 hen 1 told- them I would play the comedy of Brown's 
horse. Now for some fun for them. They began to call for 
Al. Brown to conie and tend to his boss, that Slulcklefoote was 
going lo play sonie kind of a trick with him. 

Mayoe ride liiin off to J.exingt«jn, and.lurgit to fetch him l»ack. Who knows 
as that's his business stealen tiosses anyhow? Seems as if he knows a tanial 
siglii of stulf anyhow. 

Then 1 said something about an old wench. Moll Keller 

and .Sail Siniili. ! liow I catch(^d it llirn. There were six or 



60 

el^ht of the biggest wenches there that e*ver stood over n tub 
and they all commenced on 'me at once. 

Yeb, you ole good fo nothin' lian thief, comin' roiin' here wifl yo' hes, gettin 
Jim Otibrd to lie fo' you, so you can cheat us out ob our little chink, an' rJen 
makin* fun ob us wimmin ; fo' one cent, I'd maul you good, you good-fo'-nothin 
onay scamp. Go in on 'em Hannah, I'll see you far play otit(3n it. 

The savage old African was raving, and swearing she woun; 
whip the dirt out of Shacklefoote, they were all in a mixed 
mess, foaming and charging, because we hadn't showed them, 
bars and wolves. I was wanting to get shut of them as bad as 
I did in the plow house. A big smart lad run against the cur- 
tains and begin, '*Brown had a hoss." 1 was inside the cur- 
tian, and took him a lift with my elbow, which limbered him. 
Death and destruction ! what another noise he made. I looked 
for the whole crowd to pile on to me, but fortunately enough, 
I had darted outside the curtain, and no one knew who was 
perpetrator. The boy was rolling and tumbling over planks and 
every thing in his reach, making more of a noise than any of 
them cared about hearing ; and some concluded to see how bad 
he was hurt, and began proding him with pins and needles to 
try his feelings. In an instant he raised up, kicked over bench- 
es, chairs and put out the lights close to him. I had put out 
the lights behind the curtains, and we were then in a mixed up 
muss ; the boy went rolling down stairs, crying murder, death! 
I'm cut all to pieces. The crowd went tumbling down stairs 
to see what was the matter, and as soon as the last one was out 
I locked the door until I got everything in shape, and then we 
started home. We got our wagon, and Mr. Offord helped us 
get our things in; We started down through the rocks, hollows, 
bluffs, coal pits, and ever)'thing that could be in the way. We 
came alonii; opposite an old coal shaft, and found enough track 
iron, laid across the road to reach across the river. It vyas real 
dark, but we had to clear the track. We packed them as far 
as we could easily, and i)ut them into hollows, ditches, and any 
convenient place we could find, to keep them from b'.ring eas- 
ily found by their owners. We knew who done the work, for 
they were mad because they did not see the bars and wolves, 
as they expected. I think that Charles B., atid Thomas A., 
thought we had the bars an' wolves wilh us. We travt^lcd ori 



61 
throui^h the darkness until we came to a deep ravine, perhaps 1 5 
ftjet deep, and about five feet of mud and water in the bottom. 
It had abridge over it, and old Jinnie Akers had a lot offence 
posts close by, and^this Charles B., and ^1 hos. A., thoucrht lliey 
would see a little more fun, and had piled 200 posts that old 
Jinnie had paid $10 per 100 for, across the bridge. They ex- 
pected to see us carry them to the place where they got them 
but they was mistaken for once. I told the hoys to do as I did 
and (commenced to put them into the water; and the way we 
made ten cent posis splash in that ditch was a sin to serpents ! 

*'Hi thar" hollowed Thos. A., ''you throw therp thar posters in thar I'll pios- 
ecute'yon, see el I don't; thena's/tad's posts." 

I teld him to prosecute as soon as he felt like it, and I would 
take stock in the enterprise, and that I wanted to know who 

had done the work, ahd he hauled in his gas pod. Sail^ — ho 

hand me a phial with a little annullifier fire in it, squeeze me in 
asquirl skin, hang my nose on hooked stick, take my' teeth for 
a turning plow, three paper chisels, two glass cow (jells, one 
bunch cat feathers and a turkey's ear — now we are ready 
Charles B. Corn Cracker. 

- — — ■^2tivo)§:|gH 



CHAPTEB, IX. 

, ■ Xegro Ileel }ikow or Burning Out, 

Am:— Old hog got Drunk. 
Awaj' to Negro Heel I must go, 

To get a house in which t,o show ; ' 
1 asked the. man who has it to rept, 

If he would take a certain per cent ; 
Well, I don't do that kind of business you sec, 

On some other prices we must agree.— Ramrod Jinkins 

SHIS you see, fixed me in the way of comedy shows, on the 
Big Muddy, I then was outened more than ever, for I had 
tried almost everything that could be got into ; had every way 
of showing, that could be found. And now mu^t get into some- 
thing else. But I was not longgett ing somethinir for a change, 
and went to getting up a canvas. I thought that independence 
was all that was necessary, and if I Had a tent of my own, when 
1 got tired o( a crowd, I could turn diem out and go about my 
business, without having to get up such scares as 1 had been in 
to. I tliouglit it would a fine thing to. be so independently sit- 



62 

uated as to have a good canvas, aad go when I got ready. and 
stop where and when I wanted to ; and not have to be running 
around hunting up school houses, hotel rooms, plow houses &c. 
After planning out my tent, I procured a lot of canvasing, 
poles ropes, &c., and it was no great while till I had it on fool. 
I set it up to see how it would ornament some nic town ; had 
her set up in an open place, when Laura W., came along and 
began asking a few civil questions concerning the affair. "How 
much domestic did it take to make that tent ,^'' I told her it 
had taken nearly 200 yards. "Well, you had better made some 
sheets, bed ticks and such like, for you will never make th»^ 
money back that you paid for it, now see if 1 am not right." 
•'Well,'' says I, ''Miss Laura, perhapsyour advice is good,and 
I am sorry I canna' take it. One reason is, I have no use for 
bed clotlies, — I have no one to share with me in them." '*Yes 
and that is another thing you had better be doing ; get you a 
good woman, settle down, and quit such triffling work as run- 
ning around and acting go foolish, trying to make a business of 
showing." But ah ! thought I, my fair good friend, when you 
see me settle down in that kind of a way, you can depend up- 
on it, that I am not able to go on foot. And more, I am 
going to numbered among the magicians and sjiowmen ; and 
though this young Laura was as beautiful as young ladies ever 
can be, I could not think of trying to court her, nor any ore 
else. for I had not,nor never expect to forget my "Tom. "And 
now for some site to set up my mammoth pavilion. I soon found 
another location, near a small town, where the "corn and pump- 
kin raisers" were going to hold a "sell-a-bray-shun;" some of 
them said it was going to be a kind of presidential 'lecshun 
meeting. Let it be what it might, I was after going to try my 
big new tent at any rate. We got everything ready and set 
out for the place. We got there about two o'clock. They 
were all in fine spirits. We seen the manager, and soon had 
arrangements made, and went to setting up for business. There 
was a company there, running a wheel |of fortune, and you 
ought to have heard the racket they made : 

Put'er down ! put'er down ! the circns'll soon be ready, and von'11 want mon- 
ey to go into the show, and risjht here is the place to make it ! ' Come right a- 
long and put'er down, put'er down ! and make yourselvs monev enough to go. 



63 

We had to work like beavers^ to get ready before the crowd 
all left ; for it was getting late and beginning to look like rain, 
and about the time we got ready to open up, the crowd began 
to scatter out like negroes from a cotton field. Here we was, 15 
or 20 miles from home, and a storm coming radpidly. The boys 
ran for their horses ; gals run here and there in earnest concern 
for their fine bonnets and leghorns.as well as their silken, worst- 
ed and calico frocks. Poor sweet, scared creatures,! felt more 
anxious about their safety, than I did for their quarters. They 
were all looking so pale and innocent, with fine leghorns in 
danger of being destroyed by the approaching storm. We had 
taken in a fair crowd of boys who were anxious to see the cir- 
cus, as they had imagined it was going to be, and perhaps the 
storm was in my favor ; for they were all expecting to see a 
circus, and, probably they might havejbeen as bid to deal with 
. s the crowd Em. defeated in the warehouse ; but as the storm 
appeared to be very violent and close at hand, there seemed 
to be no contention about it, and every criter felt anxious to seek 
a more reliable shelter than the canvas, but the clouds dimin- 
ished to some extent and passed away without much of a storm. 
We pulUd up stakes and started for home, and traveled till 
campino^ time, and pitched our tent for the night. We hadn't 
been stopped long till it commenced raining, and I don't think 
there has ever been another such a rain since Noah landed his 
canoe on the mountain. It continued all niorht and the next 
day. We landed home, and I begin to think wh it Lnura had told 
me was true, for that was the last time for that tent. Then 
I began to think 1 was completely out of the show business. I 
thought I had tried every known remedy, and how 1 wished 
I had never been so simple as to undertake it as a business. I 
wished that I had never let that fairy vision of Cupidity fostcM* 
upon me in such a inanner as to deprive me of all that makes 
life enjoyable — the society of the fair sex. How happy I could 
have been, had I been let along and not interupted with my 
Tom. Or still, how I could make myself happy, courting that 
pretty sweet Laura, or her little sister, or scores of others along 
the Big Muddy ; but alas ! 'tis done, and what's the use of 
whinnin"^ about it any longer. Ever and anon, I was continu- 



64 i-^«-_^^_ 

ally on the outlook for something to do or get ih:r)\ ' Tv'c li.irl 
a good time that winter, for there were several of us livin-'-on 
the same farm, for it was too large for one or two men to tiil. 
and we had a lively time hunting the raccoon, op')ssum aii 1 oth - 
er game, and early in the s/)ring, a large circus and managerir 
was going to exhibit in our city of Richmond. I was delighted 
to see it in progress, thinking I might learn something. This 
circus had with it a museum, seprirate from the othor, and in 
order to get a big crowd into it, they ga^^e a fret) rxhibiti'ii ; 
this was a performance by the ventriloquist champion. Is en 
how they were constructed, and as I wasal'vva\'son theimi' a e 
I immediately went to work to fit me up another show. I 
knew how to make them if I could get the material. 1 could 
not get the right kind of wax, so I got putty, liiitseed oil, two 
gourds, some small wire, some cotton batting, material to make 
their dresses, and about thirty other articles. I wanted some 
hair to trim their heads with, to make them look natural. But 
where was I to get it?Our girls was always using their own hair 
in^braids etc., fast as they pulled out of their heads. They told 
me that Laura had lots of her hair saved up, and did not (van t 
it for anything, and I could get all I wanted of it. Wei I, sweet 
Sylania ! how was I to get it; I'did not like to ask her f()r iiei- 
hair, and knew that our girls would never think to get it Jor 
me. Laura often came to our house, and I' knew she would 
give me her hair in a minute, but 1 did not want her to know 
whit I wanted with it ; b it I knew it vv')uld lo-)l<: more simple 
than ever, not to tell. She soon came to our house, and 1 did 
not know wh'^ther to or no|, for I would have been squelched 
certain, with her pretty, white, modest face, and golden hair, 
had It not been as before mentioned. I did not fear that Laura 
would say anything out of the way, for she was too g'ood a girl. 
I walked in the room where she was, and said rather faiotly, 
"Laura," she looked at me ; her soft eyes restin<> upon me ; 
her beautiful countenance, full of innocent womanly kindness ; 
her sweet face would send a thrill thro' the heart of any human. 
Oh! I did wish I had said nothing about it, ®r had not been so 
cowardly about it. But having started it, niust take what comes. 
"What do you want," she said. "Have you got any of your 



65 
hair?' "Any ofmy hair ? why certainly. Whose hair did you 
think I hadj?" I told her she did not understand me, that I 
wanted to know if she had any of her hair that she had combed 
out. She said she did,and 1 could have it, if I would go to her 
house and get it. 1 went, and got a roll about the size of a big 
hornet's nest. I had everything for the champions, and fixed 
them up in a most natural manner ;had themdressed in the s yle 
of boys and girls, and laid them away. 1 went making a set of 
Punch and Judy figures. 1 had something nice now — that any 
crowd would be amused with. I made a miniature clown, and 
called him Dan Rice. My father took another traveling no- 
tion, and was going back to where I had first started out. What 
a nice thing it would be to go back up there and show them 
what I had learned, and how f had improved, for I thought I 
had as good a show as Barnum, Dan Kice, Tony Pastor, old 
Faddie or any one else. Thus filled with admiration of 
my captivating progress, I loaded her in the wagon and took A 
trip up the country. We made it allright,and visited our friends, 
and then 1 went over to the Flat, where 1 had given the show 
in the plow house, and met with my old friend and violinist, 
ready to go with me and perform his unrivaled skill on the vi- 
olin, at any time, and told me to go up the Heel and get a 
house, and be ready by the time he got back from across the 
river. I found Mr. Moling shaving shingles to cover the house 
I wanted to get. I asked him if he would let out for a certain 
part of what I took in. I had taken this precaution because I 
did not like the situation, and I had made so [many fail- 
ures, I felt a little cautious. ** Well, I dont do that kind of 
business, if you want the house, we'll have to agree on a cer- 
«tian price, then there'll be no difficulty.''! was almost at an end. 
I told him I would give him what was right. He said he would 
be fair,and I put up some bills, and left to hunt up the violinist, 
Schrum. i waited till late, thinking he would get back, but no 
Henerie Schrum ; he had got belated, and i seen that i would 
be late if ^ was not off. I happened onto Willis Blankenship. 
and he said he would come and play for mc, if my man did not 
come in time. ^ told him to come, and ^ would go on and be 
fixing things up. i rolled my boxes on a freight car, and when 



66 

I got to the station i had to leave my boxes, th.'iilvi i^ Sch •um 
would be there with his wagon, and bring th m over. But he 
was not there. I had about two miles to walk, to get to my 
place of exhibition. I met with some gentlemen going tliere 
who invited me to put my things in their wagon, and ride over. 
1 hey took my things where I wanted them, and thanked them 
for their kindness. Moling was gone away from town, and had 
left the key whh an old gentlemen who let me into the house; 
it was an upper room, and I had to go up outside. After pack- 
ing up my wallets, fixing them up, and lighting swme lailuw 
candles that hung against the wall, shut the door and went to 
look at the factories and other important features ol the place. 
There was two hickory pole chair factories, one, third of a res- 
taurant, part of an old store, such as an empty nail keg, old salt 
barrel, a few old coffee sacks, a little pile of old trace chains, 
and other articles of less notability. I went to the blacksmith- 
shop, to see my old friends Joe and Jack. I had not been there 
long, till I was startled by a light and fearful looking smoke, up 
in the room where my things were. 1 run up quicker than you 
could say Sally Ann Slopbucket,and it was blazing like old rye 
liquor, I give the alarm of fire, and if you ever seen tin buck- 
ets, slop pails, wash tubs, and Betsy Baker couldn't tell what 
else. They rolled my things down in a confused pile, and a - 
ter the fire was out, I sacked them and started for the statioi . 
Schrum nor Willis riad notfcome, and I knew it would be bt - 
ter to be away from there anyhow. Quid Nunc — take niy boots 
for bushel bags ; m}^ shoes for shovel plows ; and my old linen 
coat for a ship sail. Come back here, all you that's behind and 
around here, all you that's in front, emnas.se' 

CHAPTER, X. 

Mjj last Show in the ^ I at. 

Air; — The Wood Cutters (Sorrows. 

Come gather around me one and all 

And gee how little and nice a thing; 
And pee the champions thonjjh]Jso small, 

A heantiful 8©ng to vou will sing. 
YoTi robber ! you thief! vrtu'vetcok onr cash. 

For which we worked so rery hard; 
And showed us nothing but such trash, "^. '.. [head. 

And you had better be on your guard.— Bill Hunk- 



67 

EEADER, what kind of a lunkhead do you take me to be ? 
1 promised to give you my adventures in Arkansas, and have 
been dallying with my experiences, before I leave ihe North- 
west ; but hope you will not think me intruding, to give you one 
more tale of difficulty, which this chapter conclud'-s; then I am 
ready to tell you of my fearful proceedings in Arkansas, and 
hope they will be found more interesting and instructive. Yet 
those I ha\ie narrated, are, as far as scheme and theory, as well 
as the plans and performances, as /)Ositive and potent, as any 
history yet written. The exage rations of what has been said, 
is only little rise in describing the characters, as well as a little 
additional exclamatory, as in the case of the exhibition in the 
plow house, which nevertheless is almost as true as it could be 
told. Although I am not putting forth my best, and letting you 
hear none but those of success, I am giving you an understand- 
ing of my most difficult experiences in the beginning of my 
practice. After this chapter is completed, I shall give some of 
my interesting performances in Arkansas. I had not yet per- 
formed my new inventions, and was itching to show them. You 
remember the Negro Heel show did not go off. I had a friend 
iii tho Flat, who hati about completed a house on front street, 
and was splendid place for a^^show. 1 made a dicker with him 
for the use of the house, and then must get ready for another 
round. I had not seen my champions since the Negro Heel 
conflagration, and so I stopped at one of my friend's house to 
examine them ; I had made their heads white with linseed oil 
and zinc, and they had turned black. The boys face was twist- 
ed everyway, and looked horrible. And to add to my confus- 
ion, the prettiest, nicest, goodest girl in the Flat, was there. and 
as soon as I commenced my examination, this pretty while faced 
Mary wanted to see the little ventriloquil champions. I did not 
know how they had been vindicated, and thought if they were 
anything like ihey were when I put them away, they would be 
nice enough for any one to look on, for all the girls that had 
seen them down on the Big Muddy, said they were real nice ; 
but when I brought them out for Mary see — my tow breeches 
and Sal's tow frock ! how frightful they did look — Mary was as 
badly ashamed of them for me, as I was myself ; but did not 



68 

say anything about them, only that she thought the boy was 
mighty ugly. I did not allow them beautiful eyes to waste 
their brightness on such a sight, and soon as 1 could get them 
packed up, I took them and trudged out, and have never seen 
her since, nor do I want to, until that sweet Mary 
forgets those hideous monsters. Now my hopes became a lit- 
tle shaken about the evenings performance. 1 knew it would 
be useless to try to mend the tricks and champions in time for 
that evening. However, I posted my bills, and got things in 
general preperation to commence early, and had no time to be 
fixing up extra tricks, or fixing them over again. How do you 
think 1 come out.'^ Why, I'll tell you. 1 come very near be- 
ing dragged out, by the fellow who lost twenty cents. 1 got set 
up, and made a platform to show the ventriloquil figures. They 
seemed to be a little suspicious about going in; they had not for 
got the blunders 1 made in the plow house. It was getting time 
that 1 was doing something or nothing, and I was doing nothing 
as fast as a woman's tongue can run. 1 got my champions ready 
and all the bOys in town was getting pretty well filled, and feel- 
ing much more comfortable than I was, for the truth is, I felt as 
ha^py as a balky horse does in harness ; for I knew if 1 balked 
they would make me go — for the fun of it. By and by, I took 
my scare-crows and went out to give them a free exhibition, as 
the museum had done. It was pretty dark, but I did not want 
a light, because I did not* want any one to know what I had. I 
had them go through their dialogue of the Constantinople sub- 
ject, and after that, 1 was going to have them sing a song,but 
you could no more hear what 1 was saying, than if you had 
been in a house where six or seven women were quan-eling a- 
bout the jealousy of their old pard ; but for the benefit of their 
town, 1 will subjoin it to this chapter for a termination of the 
thing. Some wanted in, and others didn't want to pay so much 
Bill Ellis, the wood cutter, said a dime was enough. Jay Bul- 
lock, or Frank Bullock, one of them, I do not know their names, 
anyhow this was the one that looks like he had been hung up to 
make jottle out of, and dried up during the process, said it would 
mighty nigh strip the till of his restaurant to raise a quarter, 
Frank Harris said he had a quarter, but he wanted to buy some 



GO ■ 

] >:i^ ;^reen witli it ; Ben Casebolt said he would liaveto [)ouik1 
ouL bcveral pieces of iron lor that much, and others would make 
otlier kind of complaints. 1 ^ot out and lectured to ihein awhile 
about what a fine time we was going to have in the entire pro- 
ceedure — about the clown, the Punch ajid Judy figures, and all 
I could get them to listen to, but thej didn't seem to be taken 
in with such flattery — they wanted in for a dime, and after try- 
ing them sufficiently, 1 told Mr. Becket, who was keeping door 
for me, to let them in for a dime. Such aborrowiuo andlend- 
ing of dimes was never seen since the circuit rider made his col- 
lection. Bill Ellis who lived in the river bottom, and bought a patch 
of land, and paid for it in work on the same land, happened to 
have an extraordinary friend there, and having sold a load of 
wood that morning, said that he would pay his friend's way in, 
as ittopk but twenty cents, he could soon cut enough wood to 
make it back again. I hey soon had the house as full as a hotel 
when you have nothing to pay your way with. If you ever 
heard six halfdioands after an old sow in a cornfield, you can 
form ?ome opinion of how they had it then. All were as drunk 
as aschwill tub, ai?d Willis, the tiddler, was makmg more luss 
than all of them. I got old Punch and Judy up, and commenc- 
ed trying to imitate them. O, quit. gnawing my nose, if you 
ever heard calves bawl, mules bray, ganders fight, dogs bark, 
lions roar or chicken crowing under the floor when you are try- 
ing to wTite,you can give some idea how they went into it then. 
Tiiey didn't know where they were, ofily that Mike was not 
there, convinced them that it was not the saloon. I told them 
1 had Dan Rice there, and if they would be still, 1 would iniro- 
chiCG him to them ; but the}'" didn't know whether I said Dan 
Rice, Dick Rice or any other rice. One who pretended to hear 
what I said, yelled out, "hold on boys, he says he's g^'in' lo 
sIfow sometjiing darn idce,let'ssee what it is." .The) ^tili k(.j>t 
np their fuss. 1 saw that I just as well be out oi' there as in 
id while they were making merry among themselves, 1 |)ack- 
l ui), took down my curtains, and told them as dic)' didn't 
want to see anything,! would give them free access to the house 
<ind "-o hume. Von had ou'.dit to been there to hear Hill ]i\\\s 



70 

ey'and was not going to put up with it. I told him to put down 
into the bottoms with it then. He said he was going to have 
his 20 cents back, or be dying in the risk. 1 asked him if he 
would not hire me to dig a hole for him. He said it would 
take near half a rank of wood by the time he got it hauled and 
sold, and that 20 cents ^would have bought him tubbacker e- 
nough to last him a week, — but poor fellow, he never got his 
20 cents. I took my luggage over to the depot, and come 
back to see how he was getting along, but he had left very much 
dismayed over the loss of hie 20 cents. 1 put my things in the 
safest place, and pulled for home. I seen Mr. Becket and paid 
Mr. Gray for his broken windows, the next day, saw a few of 
my friends, bade them farewell, and as soon as the train moved 
out, I left the place and have never seen it since. Here is the 
song I had composed on the good people of the place for the 
benefit of themselves and others in general. 

THE MODEL MEN OF THE FLAT. 

If you will listen awhile, I'll sing you a song, 

Of the town that they call "Elm Fiat ;" 
I must take the good and the bad both along, 

In order to give them a spat. 
There b old Johnny Fitz •Morris, that keeps th# hotel, 

He's one of them I do declare ; 
You'd think that he thought there was no bell, 

To hear hira t«),curse and to swear. 
And then there's the butcher, another shrew man, 

He slashes, he saws and he cuts ; 
He sells off his beef till it spoils on his hands, 

He punches it then into guts. 
And there is Dick Best, he'f? a man very small, 

His debts and dues always pays ; 
And though Dick is a man that is not very tall, 

He yet is a man in:his ways. 
Now thero is Jack Gray, 'twould be a sin to pass bj', 

As Jack, he his fortune has made ; 
And that he is a merchant, no one will den}'^, 

And^commands a most heavy trade. 
And there's Elliott Christie of whom we might speak, ' 

Althoajrh he's an innocent man ; 
Some people thinks he has a wonderful cheek, 

In the working of some cunning plan. 
And there is Zim Walker we must not leave out,^ 

In giving them all a round ; 
For Zim is a man you remember no doubt, 

When Zim was the "boss" of the town. 
There is Doc Ellii the drug<;i8t you know. 

Of hin\ you can't say enough ; 
For wlien Irish Mi(;heal goes hack on you so, 

You know that Doc keeps the same stutl'. 
The next is Bill Cooper, though he shuuld have been first 



71 

For no other man is a living 
Who has such an urwquealed thirst, 

For whisk gy, for money or women. 
Then there is Billy Weldon, we'll just let him rest, 

For he s the best merchant in town ; 
Just always remember that he has the best 

ABBortment of goods all around. 
And there is Date Powell, the.post oflice keeps, 

He also is fond of his sports ; 
And if he gets a ( hanc^, into letters he peeps, 

And then he will hint the reports. 
There is anotherman to whom we retort, 

His name it is nettling but Dan — 
The Elm Flat^Morguet is his favorite resort, 

And his choice there is Mary Ann. 
There's another nice man of whom we've not spoken,— 

Tom Becket, you all know the man ; 
If five years of conrtin' is any token. 

He'll mary a girl named Nan. 
But there is hut one more of whom I will relate, 

But he's the best one of them all ; 
For the big and the little, the small and the great. 

Is trnly made glad by his call. 
And that is Robert Christie — some says h^'s a rake, 

And his tongue it runs very glib ; 
And if yon imagine he wont tell you a fib, 

Why that's where you make tfee mistake. 
And now my readers it is all left to you, 

Toiudg* my Marseillaise like s«ng; 
And let me bid yon a final adien, 
And hope that IVe done you no wron;;. 

-3t§(o)§t^- 

CHAPTER, XI. 

Arrival in Arhansaw. 

Air: — Be Broken Nose Horse. 

Farewell good tolks, I'se gwine to leab yon. 

Away into de Ian' whar de cotton grow ; 
'Tis true to start it does most grieb me, 

But Ise called an' I must go. 
Whar dare we'll chase de possum all de day, 

And den at night we'll frolic, don't yon sees ; 
Den all de care an' griep we'll dribe away, 

In de pleasure ob our festib jubilee ? 

0FTER my disappointment in the Flat, I went back down on 
the Big Muddy, and went tosellinc^ good.s at auction, and 
stayed there one winter, and got tired of the business,and clos- 
ed out. I would like to tell you some of the upwards and down 
wards that I went through during my stay ; but space and time 
bids me persue my task — relating my life in Arkansas. I often 
heard my brother and sisters speak of the rurality and bark- 
wood's style of some portions of the State, and had often re- 



marked that a trick show would suit Ihem. And now, that I 
had DO other plan in view, and ready to take atrip, I was not 
long in deciding upon a journey into that State, to try rny hick 
there. Now, reader, I have /jas^^d over many scenes and tri- 
als in my youthful life, and experiences in the begining of my 
showman's life^ to allow myself more space to describe to you 
a few of my varied performances, in my life of an "Arkansaw 
Showman." I have only given you a few examples of b .d con- 
duct and unfortunate circumstances, and hope,dear readier, that 
should any of my fellow mortals, attempt the profession ofniao- 
ical performances, for their field of labor, that they be more 
cautious in their outset than I have been in mine. And should 
this little volume fall into the hands of any one contemplating 
a voyage of like circumstances, and should it be the ^means of 
guidance and directory ofan3^6ne to be forewarned of the tri- 
als and temptations, consequent solely on inexperience, I shall 
be amply repaid for all the pains I have taken to describe them 
You see the state of affairs rendered upon my past life, and the 
only cause of my seclusive future in the backwoods andmoun- 
taineous regions. I once had as high hopes and bright a future 
andjroad laid open to fortune and happiness any one could wish 
for ; but alas ! how strange our fortunes turn out ; ^nd 1 remain 
in this remote part of the world, with no pleasure, no comfort, 
or conciliation, save the memory of that loved one, far away,nev- 
edtobehold that beauteous image, nor hear that sweet voice, they 
still linger in the never lessening feeli-ngs of my imagination, to 
comfort me through my disconsolate destination. Ah. reader, 
have yon experienced such feelings as to part forever, from the 
only one on this wide expan se, that you ever felt the only spark 
of heart-felt love ? Have you ever lov^ed a oal that didn't love 
3 ou ? ha,ve you ever stood by and seen youj- gal lean up to an- 
other feller, like an old cow leans against the South side of a 
straw stark in March ? have you ever seen your gal frisk fond 
ly around Jack, John, Phil or Ben, like a poodle dog suffering >- 
with an over gorge of lleas ? and throw a cold distant glance at 
you at the same time, as* much as to say — depart from my pres-' 
ence and stay there. I)id yon ever gi^^e aged a ring, or pic- 
iiiiv, and she v/ould sell them and buy candy wiih the mone)'.-^ 



7S 

difl ycu ever buy a gal candy, and then she'd give to another 
leLu r did you ever buy a gal ear drops, .^hoes. dresses, bonnets, 
and aprons, and then slie'd deny it, and say her big brother 
buyed them for her ? You no doubt, think it strange, that 1 am 
asking such questions ; but if you ever witnessed any of the 
foregoing circumstances, you, perhaps know soniethin^aboi t 
the condition of my past sorrows. Strange indeed, thai aiinost 
all writers of their on histories, are almost invariably blessed 
with the happy fortune, that their gals love them to the final 
end of their lives, which frequently is occasioned by their heart 
sickening love ; but thanks be to the A 11- wise Creator, that 1 
never was that kind of a murderer. All the murderous deeds 
1 ever done, was in an old cabin in Arkansas, which will be de- 
scribed hereafter. Why could it not happen that my gal was 
devout like Doc Rattlehead's Mollie, Julia Dean's sister and 
others. But alas ! 'tis so, and I'm giving a correct history, as 
they come before me. for I have no record of past events. To 
part with friends and relatives is sad enough ; to think that 
you may never meet them again this side of Eternal rest ; to 
take the parting hand with your kind mother, and say farewell 
mother, you may never see your son again ; to leave the home 
of youthful days and seek your destiny in a land of strangers, 
is sad indeed, but to leave behind you, "the gal you love'' is 
the saddest grief the human heart can feel. Yes reader, I am 
far from kindred friends, to soothe my sorrowful feelings, where 
none but those friends I have found since I have been in this 
wild rough region. But they are kind friends, and look upon 
me as their sole conspirator of fun, and they shall have my as- 
sistance, and best endeavor to make them happy. ' Ho^vever, 
'tis useless to lament for days that are past, and unwise to moui n 
over the loss ot fortunes "that might have been" ours ; 'tis o- 
Yer now and cannot be othcruise, nor do 1 regret my choice of 
life, for 1 do not wish to be in the noisy city, nor to be where 
1 can see my gal happy in the love of some other wretch. 1 
made up my mind to go and have never regrtted it. After 
making a few preperations, I took the patting hand and started 
for Arkansas. 1 had a good horse, and for company, took a 
-ew ol 111)' smallest i ricks, that would carry in my saddlebag>j. 1 



rode steady for a long distance, and slopped c nc evening at a 
very old looking plantation, ana niquireu li 1 cuuld stay all night 
The old man came out and said that if 1 could put with a thun- 
derin' sight of fuss, I could slay. 1 told him 1 could put up with 
most anything that any one else could. He lold me to get 
down and come in. 1 got off my horse and took my saddle bags 
on my arm and walked into the house. There was a number 
of pretty good looking gals and several boys there, boon as 
they seen my saddlebags, one of them asked, "you're a doctor, 
are you ?^' I told them 1 was no doctor. 'Well then 1 guess 
you're a preacher .'^" I said I was a preacher once, but was 
not preaching at present. They did not seem to be quite so 
familiar after telling them I 'was a preacher, but the gals tried 
to show out most tarnal "perlite" afterwards. 1 heard thtm 
whispering to one another, and wondering what to do with the 
the preacher when the fiddler come.f^ Pretty soon the old lady 
came in and told us supper was ready. We all went out into 
another log hut close by — my old plug hat for a bushel basket! 
what a good time we had for awhile. Ail sorts of good meat, 
chicken and gravy. After we had enjoyed a hearty repast,and 
a o-ood talk with the gals, we went and ted myhorse,and wiieii 
we got back, the boy tnat had been across the country for a fid- 
dler, had come back, and what loud talking they were having ! 
He had got the fiddle and said that old .Perry Slater was sick, 
and didn't think he could come, but said he would come 
if he ^>ot so he could. It was gettin time to commence their fun 
the boys and gals was in from every quarter, but no fiddler. 
They were walking the lioor and looking for old Perry but he 
didn't come. Some said they be doggoned ii ihey didn't leai n 
to play the fiddle, and they was^soon ma confussion. One of 
the ^^als said she expectea the preacher was glad^lhey had no 
fiddler. 1 waited awhile to see if their man would come, bcii 
seeing their expected performer was not coming, 1 asktd one 
of them to let me see tlieir violin ; he looked liked something 
ailed him, but he went and got it, remarking that he did n(jt 
know whether 1 ever saw one like it. 1 look it, tuned it up, 
and drew the bow across it and it sounded like a bass horn. I 
struck out on a familiar reel. 1 have seen die solemiiizing min- 



7-5 

i.s'e.'s in earnest devotion, and seen still times, for instance, slip- 
paig up on a chicken roost or into a water melon patch, but if 
you €Ver seen still times it was then. 1 told theui il they want- 
ed ine to, 1 would saw lor them that night, 'i hey quickly a- 
greed, and said ihey would pay me as mu^h as was going to pay 
the old fellow that had disappointed diem. Then there was a 
merry set, and they kept it up till towards midnight, then the 
gals said they would get supper. They got a lot ot cold chick- 
en, pies, and we went into the other room to take supper. .One 
of the gals commenced on me for saying I was a preacher. I 
told her I had been one, and asked her why she accused me of 
not being a preacher. She said 1 was too good a fiddler, and 
said she would bet 1 could beat any one there, dancing, and 
had a notion to make me try it. 1 told her we had no hedler, 
and we could not make it without. 1 hat settled setded it, and 
after we took a rest, we commenced fun again. Old Perry 
came in and tliey knocked out the set, and must hear old Per- 
ry play, to see how much he could beat the preachei;. Perry 
declared that he did not come to play — he only come to see 
what was going on ; but he liad to try his hand, to show them 
the difference. They all said the preacher could beat him all 
into flindtirs. Then the gal who would bet on me, said I had 
to try it. 1 told her that 1 was out of practice and could not 
do much, but 1 told her 1 would try. She was gnawing on a 
chicken shank, when old Perry struck up a lively tun^. She 
jum^)ed up and grabbed me by the arm, and said to one of the 
gds, "Sail, hold my chicken leg, while I g'lant^this preacher 
round, that's got these store breeches.'' Sail took it, and we 
commenced to cut it down ri^htlivelv. We was o()innf at full 
speed when she discovored that Sail was trying her incisors on 
the })Oultry leg. 1 he door was open and I was dancing up like 
an old 'possum, the d(!)Or ,vvas about two feet uj) off the ground. 
Kate kept looking back at Sail,. and yelled, "Sail, it you eat 
iriy chieken kg, 1 II come and choke it out of you." While 
thev were conversinor, Kale looking/ back, and me kaninjjf a- 
gainst her, we went re)liing and tumbling out at the door.near- 
1) fcverv one in the string was pulled after us. Such struggling 
Wcis nexcr seen since Eve templed Adam lo taste the apple. 1 



76 

said it was Kate's fault, and she said it was my fault. She 
said I leaned against her so heavy, she had to sidle off till she 
got out of the ring, stumped her toe against the door sill, f 
said she was looking back, and I was trying to see what she 
was looking at. But as luck was in our favor, none of us was 
much wounded, except a skinned nose, a lame ankle, bruised 
elbows, bumped heads and stratched faces. The old man said 
he had seen hogs tied and put la a pile, and cats in a sack togeth- 
er, but he never sich a nother fuss made. We got straighten- 
ed out and back into the house, and Kate proposed that we 
finish the set. I begged off, and said that 1 was too much out 
of practice to dance, and told them I thought best to have a-lit- 
tle rest over our spludge. We got to talking about spirit mys- 
teries and mediums. One of them said he '*hearn of one tiiat 
could spit fire on anything and burn it/' I told him that was 
a strange kiqd.'of a medium, and that I could do that myself, 
and knew thS.fI was no medium. "You, you, spit fire ! I 
don't b'lieve thar ever was anybody that could spit fire !" I 
told him I didn't know about that,but 1 could take his handker- 
chief and spit on it and set it afire. A number of handkerchiefs 
was offered, but I told them it was a pity to burn good hand- 
kerchiefs like them was, and that I had some linen pieces in my 
saddle bags, and went to get my stuff to burn with. I t^aid it 
was no use to burn anything that was good, and these pieces 
of hnen would do as well. But they was afraid there was a 
trick about it, and said to try a handkerchief. I told them if 
nothing else would do, I could burn them into ashes, and they 
passed over a dozen or two, and told me to go in on 'em. 1 
took a little of my phosphorus that was concealed in my hand, 
and said if I burned them, they had to stick to it. They said 
to go ahead, and burn them if I could. I got my phosphorus 
doubled up in one of the best ones, and began to pretend to 
spit and rub them together, and about the time they begin to 
think it was no go, it began to smoke and blaze like pine torch. 
The — go — eat — Solomon, what on arth kind of a fellow is he ! 
There lay the remnants of the burned handkerchiefs, burned 
apparently with no element save what I spit upon them. Now 
they all wanted to know how it was done. I said I could not 



lell them how it was done, but could do It every time.' Kale 
said that 1 had something on that handkerchief, and I could not 
burn her apron that way. 1 said I could burn any combustible 
article. She wanted me to try it, and I took a little phospho- 
rus and enveloped it in her apron and commenced the friction, 
and it began to smoke and blaze, and I tried to put it out, but 
it flamed like dry flax, and the way she made that short tailed 
frock pop around, was a sin to a nigger-in-law t^ Satan. She 
screamed fire ! fire ! put it out, jirk it off, — throw water on ir, 
oh-wah-eehuh and down she came like a sheep with the blind 
staggers. Every one in the house was pulling at her clothes, 
and she was squalling worse than a hen with a possum hold of 
her neck. I really think it took 20 seconds to empty a barrel 
of water onto Kate! and nearly every one was w^et',as a drowned 
beaver. In their excitement they tore off nearly every shred of 
Kate's clothes, and left her almost as bare as a shorn wether. 
I made mention of my sincere sorrows for being so rude ; but 
every one there, and Kate too, said it was her fault, and it 
would learn her not to try any more such tricks. Next morn- 
ing we found that Kate had not received much injury, and af- 
ter taking a good breakfast. 1 began to inquire what part of 
Arkansas^.: would be the most desirable place that a man could 
go to interest the people with a sleight o\ hand or trick show. 
"Why good Gracious partner," says the old gentleman, "if you 
want to find a place where people love fun an' frolicin' you're 
in as good a place as you'll find in Arkansaw." While study- 
ing whether to hunt out a location in the biulTs, or go to the 
big Arkansaw bottoms, I was Informf^d that the hills ns tiicy 
was called, was the best situation, and learned also, that it was 
only a day and a half's ride to the bottoms. 1 told the <'ld 
gentleman if he had no objection, 1 would like to put u\) ilieie 
until I rested myself and horse and looked at the country. 

V\'\^\ my bless your jife, you'iv as welcome here, as yoti'll ever be in any borne 
in Arkansaw. We're a j(»l]y ^et, l)nt we mean no harm Ity it. Vou kin stay as 
ion^ as yon Hke <tnr whys. 

1 told him 1 hiaa been hi.niinL: ^uth a j)lHce, dud ihat I was 
ready to go into su<'h lun as himself or fiaiiily NNciniod me to 
help in. Aftci- discussing a k w mattti'sand lelliug n lewjckts 
that happened the previous night, the old gentienian wanted to 
k low m)' name. 1 lold him 1 was tr.e notable rkOFiSSORAL- 



so 



78 

i.EiiUE Shacklefoote. *' Great sakes ! wIkm-c did vou ^'-et 
much name ? what is the 'Professor' for ?" I said I was a pro- 
fessor of the magical art, and asked what his name was. "Well it 
ain't as long as your's, itis ]ery Wells" We walked aronnd 
looking at things, and 1 asked if there wasn't lots of coons and 
possums there. 

Well now you're talking like General Jackson, if there ain't more coons and 
possums in these hollers than there's ni^^gcrs in the Arkaiisaw i)()ttonis, Vou 
may say I never seen neither. ' • 

That evening the boys wanted to know if I wanted to take a 
coon chase. I told them I would not care to go out with them 
they said they did not care about being out late. They' <'alli- 
ered their hounds, guns, pistols and horns, and away we went 
down a hollow that led into a valley of heavy timber. We had 
not proceeded far till the lead hound set up a hideous yaw-yaw 
and of all the yells, whoops, whoo-ees ever heard In Arkansas, 
it was there. They went all in a bunch tarin' thro' the woods 
like a herd of buffalo^. They soon came upon a hollow tree and 
stopped. What was to be done, th^y had forgotten their axe 
and how was they to get it. I told them we coukl burn it down 
but they* said they had no fire or matches. I said we could 
burn it down anyhow. "Yes you will, you wont find it as easy 
to burn as Kate W^ells' apron ! You can't spit enough fire to 
set that tree on fire.'' 1 got some paper out of one of their shot 
pouches and took some phophorus and began rubbino- ihem 
and Y)retty soon had it all aflame. The)^ were asloniidied ?it 
this operation and bepm to think I was a ^wonderful fellow. 
They piled on wood till they had a llame r-olJing to the top of 
the tree, and the first thing we knew, a great big skunk cat 
as big as Davy Crocket, came down and the hounds mounied 
him as soon as he reached the earth. W'e all rushed up in ihe 
dark without knowing what it was, to see what was beino-done 
when the old fellow begin purfuming us. Multiplications of 
miseries, what a fix we were in, and could do nothino-. We 
was besprinkled with the very stoutest sweet sa\()i-v nioita.l 
nose ever smelled ! \\\^ niade a l)ig fii-e and sta^-ed till moni- 
ing'aud went to llic crecOv and take a morning bath l^efore 
gnjno- home. Wdierc — away — now — bind u'e on ih back with 
abroo ns'ick. pound me over the jx^l with ap 'tato pcundx 



IV 



79 

poke me in the nose with a persimmon pole. Here wc had an- 
other cent's worth of scent sent us ! 

CHAPTER, XII. 

My tir.^b IShow in Ariiaiisaw, 

Air: — Raccoon 8op and possum jelly. 
Away down in old wild Arkansaw, 
^ Where there they heed not any one ; 
Keitlier eare for man nor law, 

Nor nothing else but sport and fnn. 
Where hei-e we have our sport and spree, 

And all is happy and all is pay, 
In I'rolics. coon hunts and drunken spr os. 
Where here we^can liave them any day. 

SOU no doubt Avill deride me for tlius describini^ my . arrival 
n Arkansaw — as the first thing was a coon himt,and to show 
you how completely I took them in, on the start with my fire 
works, and how any one here in our land of fun and frolic, must 
be u}) to every orame. 1 have never found more faithful friends 
than the Wells family. They have ministered to my e^■e^y 
wishes. The first night I stopped for a night. but finding them 
so kind, I have been conterited to stay here iii this remote por- 
tion of our great universe, and shall, perhaps stay until the fi- 
al end yes, till deatli shall cease my existence, and take mo to 
a happier realm, where we f^hall live together througliout eter- 
nit)', wliere iio lovers will prove untrue, and cause those wreak- 
ing pains to live and torment us as mine have done. 1 his 
family consisted of as clever hearted as any ct^untry has been 
blessed with. A father and mother, three daughters, and two 
s(;;ns. Katie, Su.sie and Nellie, were the names of tl:ese sis- 
terl)' mrddens, and George and Warran were the nan-,(\s ef 
their brotliers. Should ) ou ever paf^s through lids ],erii( n oi 
the country, )-on will know them by their kindness. 1 often 
washed for freedom from that gal that drove me fiom m)' native 
land and home ; from the society I IovcmI so dear, and wound - 
(^d my heart with such feelii^gs that I can never ioel an)- love 
for anj^ one else. For if i c )uld have the Iree.lom of heart, I'd 
he happ)- in the socio-y of Katie, Nellie. Susie and others. I'Uit 
! U'l s' I' '.}\(' < iT'ci ]v,] kn'nii'i' : rid ] r( c( fd to tViX' si.l»]('(i of sh.ow - 
in^- in .Vrkausav,'. Geor-j''.; went. NN'ilh me lo iiiint .-i. .-chool hul 



80 

away down in Porcupine hollow, for my first show in Arkar- 
saw, and after seeing the managers, obtained permission, and 
went round to several neighbors, tohl them our intentions, and 
left several bills. Let me say to those unfamiliar with showing 
in the backwoods, that we do not stick our bills in saloons or 
cross-roads, for if we did they would seldom be seen, for it 
would be recognized as some sort of a humbug. But here we 
go to several of the biggest families in the neighborhood, and 
have a friendly talk, and failure is seldom known under such 
arrangements. For in this way, you g( t the good -will of the fam- 
ily and people iw general, and the good-will-be-true-to-death- 
forever with the gals. And what is more pleasant than to go 
round and be introduced to the family and gals, as the heroic 
Showman, that's "goin' to have a show at Porcupine school 
house to-morrow night. Going to have a splendid time, want 
every one of you to come ;good ventriloquist, staven good fid- 
dler ; wonderful fire eater, good jig dancer, lots of funny tricks, 
can burn anything by spittin fire on it, lives at our house, we're 
all going; Sail, you and Bets must come, Kate and Nell's a 
goin, we're goin' to have lots of fun. You I et your old straw 
hat we're goin' to go, we're your v/ild goose on a thing like 
that, that's the kind of fun we like." You see about how flat- 
tering a kind of people I had found, and they have been as 
true and continueous as they were in the begining. We return- 
ed to Mr. Wells, and told them we had succeeded in gettinga 
situation and was going to perform next night. They had'manv 
friends about their settlement, and on the evening of our ap 
pointed time, a number of boys and gals were collected at their 
house to go with us to the show. But let me renu'nd you, af- 
ter seeing the roads or paths through the brakes, I concluded 
to construct my fixtures so as to be carried on horse back, and 
found it much easier to do, than it could be done in tlie place 
where I paid so dearly for the education of a showman'.s know- 
ledge, for here, with a little phospjaorus, a little burned cotton 
in a small tube, and a few small tricks, I can give a better per- 
formance, at least amuse the people better, than I could in the 
north-west, with enough plunder to make a saw mill. I oot 
Warren to ride my horse and carry my budget of tricks, and 1 



took it a foot, with the boys and gals. Nell, Susie and all the 
gals had a leller with them but Kate, and she sidled back to- 
wards nie, till 1 axed her il we hadn't jusl as well do a little 
courten as the rest of the boys and gaiS. She said she didji'c 
see but what we might, and we talked as wc went along, about 
as agreeable as a politician does to a voter, until we reached 
liie Porcupine school house, a mile-and-ahalf down the hollow 
and found a splendid crowd awaiting our arrival. George took 
in the fare at the dour, while 1 and VVairen put things in order. 
The house was filled with men, women, bo)^;, gals and chil- 
dren. 1 opened the ^)erformance by introducing a trick, con- 
sisting ot an apple cut into slugs like a candle, with some bitter 
ahnond in the end so it would burn. 1 took some pieces of can- 
dies and showed them to the company, and went back and light- 
ing the ends of the almond, 1 commenced I Ladies and Uen- 
tiemen ; during my travels through the Russian Empire,! learn- 
ed like the Russians, to be very fond of tallow candies, that 1 
have a great relish tor them. 1 began to cram tlie apple-can- 
uies down me. They set up a terrible laugh. "i\ow Kate, 
}ou"ve got the one you want, you've found him at last — )'ou can 
iccd Jiiiii on taller." I thought it wa.s going to be the same old 
.song that 1 heard in che plow house, but tiiey soon cooled down 
to a chuckUng laugh, to find their showman crainin' taller can- 
dles down. 1 had to go through the fire performance, and tliey 
all began to tell Kate to lookout for her apron. I spit uji ami 
buriied several pieces of paper, linen and divers articles, and 
then blowed fire from my mouth. This I accomplished by fill- 
ing a small tube wiih scorched cotton, and setting a hic and 
putting it in my mouth, 1 could cause brilliant sparks of hie, 
and ciouds of smoke to issue from ni)- mouth ! JNl \' old blue 
i 'louse, hov/ that did astonish them. They thougiu I nuist be 
some soi't of a wizzard,and said that'I miisi be a second o. tlnrd 
cousin lo the old "bad boy." Someone said I must have a 
hard mr>uth to stand lliat fire. "Yes'' sa) s ol lh( m, "Kate 
.you'll ha\e to pull mighty hard il )our showman tries to run a- 
wa}-. 1 then |)roposed to show them a n.ost re n:;irkal)le nick, 
telling th( m i hc.o a ring tl/at 1 louM pass ihici gb. one's cheek 
without injur)-. 1 told them if an)' ol them would con.e up, i 



1 



82 

would pass it through their cheek and knock it on a stick. l| 
showed them the soHd ring, and asked soHie of theui to come 
and let me show them how it was done. Tliey said there was 
no one there fond of trying- tricks, unless Kate Wells wanted' 
to tr}^ some more like she did the fire trick. But Kale dicin t ' 
want to try any more. I hnnally succeeded in getting a great 
big luny looking, thick headed, fuzzy faced lad of about i 7, lo 
come and allow me to try my pluck on him. His name was 
Bill Smith, and the whole Smith family was there. 1 got mv 
ring and stick, sponge and polk berry juice, and showed them ,. 
the solid ring, and had Bill to walkout before the crowd. Vv lien ' 
Bill walked out to where I wanted him, he would not have been ■ 
worse scared if I had been fixing to shoot him. He l(^okcd 
like the last sad summons had come, and he was going to leave 
us. The old man Smith said, "now don't git skerd Billy, stan' 
to it like a man, be brave Billy." 1 took the sponge with polk 
berry juice and fixed the ring and held it up towards the croAvd 
to show them it was the iron ring. 1 got my sponge in the 
right place, and gave it a. little squeeze just as 1 put the ring 
in its place, I had Bill's jaw to all appearance bleeding like :i 
stuck hog. Just as I put the ring seemingly through iiis meat 
and bread mill, gave him a httle scratch with a pin so as to make 
him more positive that the ring was actually through. H e hap- 
pened to discover the polk-blood streaming down his jaw, aiid ' 
feeling it smart, he commenced one ''frothin spells" as the old ' 
man Smith called it. Farewell to fair face and P'anny Cathom , 
such rearing and plunging was never seen since Jonah stayed j 
all night in the whale ! '" ^^ Bill lay struggling and frothing | 
at the mouth — the old man was rolling up his sleeves and swear- 
ing he would wdiip the hide off that darned showmnn, the old 
woman screaming "what has he done to Bill, d]-at his hide, he 
knowed Bill w^asn't able to stand sich." The old man said he 
had a Trothin spell' on him, and 1 was the cause of it. The 
Smith gals said I had killed Bill, and he was swabbed in polk 
berry juice, till he looked like he had been stabbed under the 
fifth rib. I got hold of Bill to raise him up, and the S. gals be- 
gan to scream for some body to knock him down. The old 
woman seized the broom, and commenced belaborin >• me ovei- 



tiic: ])cick, jane Srnilh \\;;b sUisliiiig nii A\iili lu r Lcnnet, Scill 
Smith g(A ihc hie siio\ei, ai;(i was making lo. ii.c,biiL some oijc 
Slopped her. by liiis liihe i hau bixct ^l^lu m gLlling the buck- 
(, t which was ntarl)' ii.il oi wuler, and ship-bidbn it weiRiii u.c 
ibices ot tJieold woman auci giilt/ihe Tw.:l-] spiasi.eu al; over hiA 
and brought liim to liis consclousnei^s,:I^J(i having sort ol h cool- 
ing impression OP the combatants, the iiiudaie sorter ceased. 1 
t. id them 1 haan'tdone anydiing to the big stuten botlic, tJUiC 
no blood was diawn, and explained tli«^ tliing. 'l lie old mail 
said that Bill was given to sucli spells, anci lie seen the biood 
iind didn't know wnat waJi up, and tiie pUs a hollerin' maue 
jmn act as he had. The gaissaid the^ thought 1 had cut Bill s 
liiroat, and tne oid w^oman thought he was killed certain. Arid 
now the tioor wafc w^et. and the curtains down, we concluded to 
scatt r in bunches. We packed up and all put out well pleas- 
ed with the periormaiice. unless it was the Smith iamiiy., 1 
think they must liave lelt chill) w'ith tneir dampened c]otiiet< on. 
Kate kept close to me. and just as 1 took hoid ot her iat arm, 
a gal come up and sa.id, "Kate, 1 want you ana buesand ail oi" 
you to come over to our house and letch your siiou man wiiii 
you, were going to have some tun.'' We siruckout ior home 
and was not long in reacning it, considering the distanc^/vV lien 
we went to scatter at Mr. Well's, they made it up to ineet there 
the next night to go over to old widder Snyder's to a coiton 
ijicklno-.Next morninij Nell and Sues had a Liood tiir.e luiii in < 

Jo O _ O i^ 

tiie joke on me for taking such a pounding witii Jane bmitii's 
bonnet. Towards evening, the crowd ot boys Irom all pans 
of the neio-hborhood ])ei>'an to collect at the residence ^l)( Mr. 
Wells, and several gals loo, to go together to our [liace apjjomt- 
ed by Miss Snyder to have some iun. 1 started it going with 
Kate, and she appeared to think I must keep it ujj, <md as she 
was as good looking as any gal in the hollews, I cci.ld 1 a\e no 
cause to refuse her. And so we locked our aims as tight lo- 
geilier as two old w'ethers does their horns in a combat, and 
started for the widow bnyder s. 1 want, to describe the scene 
alter reaching our destiny. We lound a log hut of good size, 
and close by a very large house of the same substantial make- 
up, although not fitted up on the inside as the miwr, it being 



84 

used to smoke meat in, &c., andgtt drunk iii^of rainy da\s 
whenever Bob Snyder come home from out ol the cotton pick- 
ing country in the bottoms. Here we found a good pine kiK^t 
fire in the middle of the place where the floor oi.ght to be,with 
a ring of ne w cotton around it as large as a roll of featherbeds. 
The old lady made som*^ excuses about having the fire made in 
such a place, and added that it was rather eariy for pieking cot- 
ton, but it is a little dab that she was in a hurry to get picked, 
in 'time for her to get some cotton truck made soon. We pitch- 
ed into it like a preacher into a chicken pie, and it was 1 1 be- 
fore we got done. Some one proposed to have a little Um V\' 
way of a civil play. The old lady told us we cculd do jist as we 
pleased. She said she had been looking for her son B )b home 
all that day, and it might be he would ':ome that night. Ail 
set to playing 'roosters' and such another fuss was never heard 
since Queen Isabelle had the hurdy-gurdy. Hello in thar.was 
heard in thunder tones. ''What's that noise about'' said a stal- 
wart red whiskered fellow. as he tottered in. Hello, Bob, th.at 
you, been to the Still-house have you. I have. Got plenty 
of 'er with me, too, here it is boys, now go in on it, and gals 
every one of yous got to drink with me, you haint tasted a droj) 
with me since we was all down at Smith's. What's my pal fane 
a doin',why aintshe here. A description of the battle between 
me and Jane in Porcupine school house was given, then. I was 
introduced to Bob as Prof. Shacklefoote. Bob wanted to know 
if I was the fire eater he heard about at the Still-house. They 
told him I was the one. "Wel-1, I've got to see it tried.'' I 
told him I would rather not undertake it there, that some one 
might get hurt. Nothing would do bj.it I must try it. I gbt 
some pieces of truck and commenced the work, and he want- 
ed to see how it was done, and told me to getsome paper and 
let him hold it, so he could see how it was done. I seen some 
thing had to be done to get shut of him. 1 alwa3's had a little 
powder thati used in my fire department. I told him that i 
had to go out and get some paper to try on. i went out of 
doors and rolled up about two (?) ounces of powder in apiece 
of newspaper and w^ent back in and told Bob i was ready to 
show him the trick, i told him to take the paper and hold it as 



85 

he liked, and I would burn it out of his hand. He took the 
paper and said, I'm goincr to see how it is done. I told him to 
hold it up close so he could see it go olf. He held it pretty 
close to his face, 1 told him to be careful or it \vould serve him 
hke it did Kate. *'No siree, I'm too old a hound to be fooled 
by a fox," says he. 1 commenced rubbing i he paper and phos- 
phorus together and it began to smoke and Bob began to look 
closer. His whiskers were 6 or 8 inches long, and he held it 
up till it almost touched his chin, and was looking earnestly at 
it — when out went the whole load in his face, which ^et his whis- 
kers blazing like a greased candle wick ! He fell back and kick 
edthe bench over that seyeral boys and gals were seated on, 
* * * The boys and gals had taken about as much of Bob's 
liquor as they could get along with, and it was some time be- 
fore they all got straight. When they all got up. Bob com- 
menced on me for doing so. I told him I had done as he told 
irie to do, and Kate said it was his fault, like she was with her 
apron, and we soon got him in a good humor. Kate told hin\ 
Jane Smith would like him better with his whiskers off anyhow 
Befor we left some one said that would be a good house to have 
a show in, and we agreed to have one there next Tuesday night 
and we departed for our respectivejplaces of resting. Go- \va}' 
(jals — Wanted — By Shacklefoote — Ten maidens that does not 
want to marry ; ten men that does not like liquor ; ten women 
tiiat does not want to be the master , ten boys that does not 
like a pistol ; ten children that does not like to see the preach- 
er coming to stay all night, and ten babies that does not resem- 
ble their pa. by a new^ bride ! 

CHAPTER XIII. 

Getting Grea,se(t, 

An::— Carry M e bad: to llockenmc':. 

If I were younp apain once mo* 

I would'try to be l)Ottpr pleased, 
1 would try no more to show — 

1 would try to kerp from beinp greased, 
But now hard tininhsi^, pot me faet, 

I <';innot do anything but show anyway ; 
Fo carry me back and do it fast, 

For it's Rockensack l^e gwine to stay. — Harry Loti§ nihgnj. 



S6 

[glOB Snyder come over next day and told us he liat] decided 
1^ on having a frohc after the show, and said he wanted nie to 
play the fiddle. He said he would prepare the dirt floored house 
for me to show in, as it was the biggest, and have the dance in 
the house with the puncheon floor. He said he was going to 
have the best time ever known on pin -oak point. He said he 
was going to have plenty of liquor and provisions. I 
thought as Bob was so much interested and would have such a 
crowd there, I would try and get up something extra. I had no 
way of carrying many extras, nor had no time to make such 
things. I remembered how highly they hadspakeniu w^i^/ider 
about spirit mediums, and thought a periormance of tiiat kind 
would be amusing to them. 1 got a pair of boots 9.;xl stuffed 
the feet with cotton, then got one of Nellie's white gloves and 
stuffed it ; got some rope, a tamborine and as much other tricks 
as I could. We arrived in good time and found a good crowd 
there and more coming. You may accuse me of stretching 
the blanket, about so many people coming to a show when I 
had one, here in Arkansaw, but people don't think any more of 
going 8 or lo miles to a show or dance than of going to mill, 
and besides, when one goes they all go. We found the house 
neatly fitted up, and Becky Snyder flying around like a hawk 
over a henhouse. We fixed our tricks and took in the fare,and 
all w^ere anxious to see things go off. I commenced with the 
fire works which were alwa)s first called for. I performed the 
rotine of other tricks,- and told them 1 would show them a few 
spirit mysteries, which seemed to please them better. 1 told 
them the room had to be darkened so 1 could call forth the spirit 
medium workings. It took sometime to get the pine knots in 
the center of the house to cease their brilliantness and the ho^r 
fat lamps to cease their strength, but by and by we got them 
toned down to the desired point, and then I told them I would 
show them a human hand waving in the air. I took Nellie's 
glove that was stuffed with cotton and put it on along wire, and 
got behind the curtain and reached the wire over the curtains 
and waved it over their heads. 1 here was light enough to see 
the ''hand" but n®t enough to see the wire, and thus tliey were 
puzzled. Some declared they saw its finger nails, i took a 



\ 



rop;i and put it between my arms and let one of them tie my 
hands together with a handkerchief an«i then pull on the rope 
to see that it was tight, and hold to the ends ot the rope, i had 
him to slacken the rope so i could work it. i worked it down 
till I could get my finger up through tiie tied handkerchief and 
pull the loop of the rope through it so i could get my hand 
through the rope, then slipped it back and it was off. Then 
they thought i was a wonderful medium, i told them i was go- 
ing to perform the most wonderful feat of any. I told them I 
would show them a pair of real human feet floating in the air, 
and I would stand among them to show that 1 had no magical 
power nor fixing about it. The curtains was down and I took 
the boots and put a pair of stocking over them, and had two 
small rods to suspend them on, and had Nellie to get ready to 
operate the boots. I wanted her to stand up high, so she could 
reach over their heads v\ath the boots, and had to fix somethinof 
for her to stand on. The light being out, 1 fumbled round and 
found a barrel with boards laying over it, and thought was a 
good platform for Nellie. I went to help heron the barrelaiid 
I think she was as heavy a piece of woman flesh as I ever took 
hold of, and I made a stagger back, and Nellie grabbed the 
barrel and over we went together in a pile. Farewell to fun 
and frolic ! and you find me in it again — a barrel ofsoaj\ and 1 
and Nell rolling like we were trying to wash it off; bui it was 
not as easy to get off as it was to get on. Poor Nell. I did not 
care so much for myself, but there was poor little Nell, "^^ ""' "^^ "" 
They soon had Nellie's clothes changed, and Bob got me a suit 
of clothes, and I offered to ^jay the old lady for her soa{), but 
she tnought I had paid dear enough for it already. This broke 
up the show, and to console Nellie, I promised her the nicest 
dr^iss in Briec's' store, and the first time we went there, we ^ot 
it We receded into the other house and procec^ded wi;h the 
dime, and I cheered them with lively music, and all was mer- 
ry as a miriiage bell. This time old man Slater was here, and 
I liad a chance to take a part in the frolic, when it was not my 
time to play. While some were dancing, others were in the 
otlier hoi:se, telling tales, and singing songs, with a good pine 
knot fiie in li c center of the licui:e and roasiing taters.'"' ^' ^' "^ 



88 

1 went in the smoke house and asked Becky Snyder to dancf^ 
with me, while Slater was playing. Slie had a fine lot e( roasted 
sweet taters in her apron, and she told me if I would wait till 
she eat her taters she would dance with me, and told me to sit 
down and partake of the taters. We enjoyed the ronst and 
soon banished the taters in Beck's apron and went in theotht r 
house to have a little dance. Be':k told Kate to jist see how 
she was going to make that showman's store clothes pop around 
Kate toldhershe had no basiness meddling with that showman 
for she had the oldest claim on him. Beck said she wanted to 
see if she would, get into as many scrapes as she had. The 
music began and now we go into it like a dog in a sheep house 
We knocked off the first set quicker nor you could eat a fried 
herring. Beck said Shacklefoote was the best dancer there, 
and Jane Smith said Bob was the best dancer, and Beck dis- 
puted it, and bloody ruckshun soon ensued. You never seen 
such scratching and hair pulling since Daniel slept in the lion's 
den. I caught hold of Beck to pull her off of Jane, and some 
one got hold of Jane and pulled her back, and she was so mad 
that she kept kicking and in trying to get away from Jane, I 
pulled her back till we got over the loose puncheons, and when 
Jane said something to Beck, if you ever seen a wild mule in 
harness, you know about how she acted, andonedf the punch- 
eons turned over and that gave room for about half a dozen of 
them to push away, and down I and Beck went through the va- 
cancy into Beb's potato pit under the floor, and what do you 
reckon we found ? The old lady Snyder had rendered out a 
large kettle of beef tallow, and put it under the floor to keep 
Bob's hounds out of it, and when we went down my foot land- 
ed on the rim of the kettle and over it come, and such a greas- 
ing as we got was a credit to cripple toads, and the way Beck 
threatened Jane was enough to raise a blister on a cow's horn. 
Beck did not get as bad greased as I did, and it was not long 
till we were in a fix to go to work dancing again. Jane Smith 
took care not to say much to Beck about the best dancer, for 
she wasn't wont to be mai^ter. We finished our set and sever- 
al others, and took a recess. While we were amusing ourselves 
telling yarns and singing songs, some ofthe gals and Mrs. Sny- 



,S9 

dcr was getting supper ready, for tht) had a brge ciowd to 
accommodate, and while they were talking some one proposed 
to sing a song for Mr. Shacklefoote, i.i\d 1 urged them to go 
ahead, that I wanted to hear it. Then Susie Wells. and several 
others commenced, and for the benefit of my northern friends 
1 will give you the song as they sang it, thus : 

Come all you Northern gals, 'and listen to my noise, 

And never do you marry the ^rkansaw boys, 

For if you do your fortune it will be — 

II : Cold* Johnny cake and venison, for supper you will 8ee.:|i 

For when tkey go courting:, what do they wear ? 

An old br<»wn coat all pitched with tar ! 

An old straw hat more brim than crown, 

II : The same that they're wore all the year rourul.;|j 

When they g© to farming what do they pl«w? 

An old muly ox or old poor cow ; 

The weeds are so thick you can't see the ground, 

II : The corn is so little that it cannot be foun«l.:|| 

They have no conTenient way to bake bread. 

They'll build up a fire as higH as your head, 

The sticks are so crocked they wont lay on, 

|!:And then their pots comes tumbling dowii.:|| 

Their houses arp furnisked very bad indeed, 

An old hickory chair and a pole bedstead ; 

An old bonrd roof and a clap-board door. 



;Ai» old stick chimney and a puncheon floor. :j 



And when they go milking thfy milk in a gourd, , 
TUey sit it in a corner and cover with a board; 
The dog and the cat are sure to get a share, 
II : And that is the way they f'o it up here.:|| 
And now to conclude with m^' Arkansaw song, 
Thecoonny and 'possum ana dog they take along ; 
The nigger and the hound and all that makes fun, 
iJ:And that is the way of the Arkansaw run.:|| 

Susie said it was warning to northern boys as well as girls, 
and 1 told Susie that I wanted her to write it down for me, 
which she did afterwards and the above is a true copy of the 
ballad she wrote me. Supper being announced ready, we all 
made our way to the other house to try our faculties of masti- 
fication, on a fine roasted goose that Bob had prepared lor his 
guests. I had began to be quite intimate with the whole compa- 
ny, and when they got ready to commence their incision, there 
was not one in the house that was willing to undertake the car- 
ving. They all put it on to me to do the work. I told them 
1 had never done much of the like, but could try. I commenced 
on the old gander, and endeavoring to make them think 1 had 
been hold of game before, I seized a smooth edged butcher 
kuife, and w<;nt to sawing on the old fellow's organ for swim- 



90 

mingjbut the knife slided over it as easy as a nigger's tooth q^oes 
through a possum leg. I began to bear down harder and saw 
faster, and grunt and sweat and wipe my face with my slcrv^e, 
and drew it nearer to bear harder. Jane Smith began to^nitT- 
ger and grin hke a vile possum. I had him on the tin plater 
and was giving him my best licks — when the gander flopped 
on the floor and the tin pan went like a circular saw, and I had 
lost my balance on the fowl and he gave me the slip. 1 mad<i 
a spring at him to save him from the jaws of a hound that was 
under the table, and when he seen the gander light.he made for 
him, and fastened on the principle part of the supper, as I nail- 
ed the old gander's log, and began toeing the hound in the rib j 
and soon hsd him loose, but he didn't feel well over his disap- 
pointment, and took me by the leg to see how it felt. I began 
to kick with the other leg until he tripped under the table, and 
then there was a crash, like a glassware and queensware store 
over my head, and the contents lay in every direction which 

scared the hound out and ended the batde. More — Straw 

turn me into the cane brakes — drive into the mill pond- gin me 
in a cotton gin — grind me up in a brig mill, to be built upon in 
the future ! 

CHAPTER XIV.*J*ii«^yift«*{T 

Stealing a sheep and standing the trial, 'j 

., Air:— 5a?;« the Wool. 
The night was d.irk, the house was full, 
And every one was interested deep ; 
.. To see a sight so wonderful, 
As to turn a man into a shecf . 
Hark ! the Officer is at the door, 

"What have I done ?" You're guilty of larcen3^ 
I'll try a v«core on them once more, 
Anci whip them out with sword and halstery. 

RniNCE my ill-fatedncss at Snyder's I have been more success- 
2] ful and cautious, and after several performances where I was 
stopping, I wanted to get farther off. I got on my horse and 
rode 8 or 10 miles down the valley, where they were thicklv 
settled and seemed to be from 8 to i 2 at every house, I ob- 
tained a house in the Hideout settlement, and having some of 
my old bills that had the feat of "cutting a man's Jiead off," i 



91 

hiided o It s^me to get up an excitv iiA'nt. I thouglu it best 
to try to find some one to help me play the rrick,but could finrl 
no one. 1 returned to Mr. Wells* anu told Warran I had tried 
every one in the settlement to help mi with the trick. He told 
me 1 would have a worse set to deal with than the Smiths w^ere 
and that the Hideouts were the simplest people in the Slate, 
and that anything would excite them to death, almost certain. 
He said we could get a sheep or anything and they would not 
know the difference. George had gone into the cotton coun- 
try and 1 had no one to help me out but Warren. 1 he road was 
a better than usual, and we took the old man's two horse spring 
w^agon, to make them think we had a bfg show. While driv- 
ing along and talking about how we would get out of our ad- 
vertisment, we noticed a herd of sheep, and Warren suggested 
and insisted that we catch one and wrap it in our sheets and we 
could play it on them just as well as if we had a man to lay on 
the box for us. I did not fancy sheep stealing, and told him we 
might be caught in the attenibt and sent to Jack's house to work 
out our fine. Warren said there was no danger, that they be- 
longed to old Hideout, and hadn't s^nse enough to but that it 
was our sheep, if he should see us with it. He seemed so con- 
fident and resolute, that I about half way consented to his p!an 
and when he saw I would allow hini, he took a rope halter, and 
started to take in a new partner. Great gallinippers ! how lit- 
tle I did feel. I thought what would the folks back in Daviess 
think when think the^^ heard of me being arrested for stcah'ng 
sheep. What if it should reach the ears of "Tom ?'' not that I 
thought she would care, but that I had ahvays tried to keep my- 
self a pure and innocent person for her sake. 1 did not try very 
hard to catch the wether, but Warren was running him and 
he finally got him, and as little as if I w^as kidnaping. We took 
him and tumbled him in the wagon and covered him with a sheet 
Here we went, hauling an innocent wether tied and covered 
from prying eyes, and we hastened to our stopping place, and 
deposite our ca[)tive behind the ^'scenes" before any one ':oirie, 
and w^e were just in time. I felt as spotted as a leopard, to see 
so big a crowd, bepending on sseing a wether exhibited for a- 
mustn ent. 1 told them I w^ould show them all the wonderous 



92 

feats of magic, butjdid not know that I could show LJic trick of 
catting a man's head off, for the man I had employed to cut his 
head* off was sick and 1 was unwilHng to try it on })im, as it was 
a dangerous job at any rate. 1 went through the fire works 
and several other tricks of desceptiou, and had them deeply in- 
terested before commencing the bloody deed of vile wolfish 
slaughtery. We packed out a big box to stand, and do as Jit- 
tie a trick as grown people ever done. J ulius Czars how b;id I 
felt ! Enforcing a litde extra courage, we laid him on the box 
and informed them that our old fell©w was very sick and I be- 
lieved he had the choleras, and he was very stupid and could 
scarcely move, bwt if th^y wished to see the thmg 1 would go 
ahead with it, and that be wouldn't live long anyway, and that 
I had attended on cases of cholerae, and felt sure he had a spas- 
modic cramp on him already, and will not last long. Just as I 
finished my tale he began to kick under the blanket,and I told 
them he was dying with the cholerse. They rolled over one 
another worse than boys running out of a water melon parch, 
when they heard a dog bark, knocked the stove down, threw 
fire all over the house an tore things up generally. When we 
was into it the hardest, **bah-a-a-a" went the old wether, loud n 
enough to deafen a donkey. "Jist listen at that poor man a n 
hollerin', he^s sufferin' awful, let's run over and tell old Hide- 
out to come over, he's sort of a doctor," and away they went to 
get a doctor to s e our woolly patient. But while they were gone 
I told them a good physician had stopped at Mr. Wells, and we 
must hurry up and get him there. 1 had the wagon ready, and 
we rolled him into the wagon, and slung ererything in and hit 
the road, When we come to where we thought we get him, we 
stopped to release our prisoner. But it was so dark you could 
not tell a sheep from a negro except bj the smell, and we had 
started a fire to see how to get off the rope — hark ! I heard a 
noise like the rushing of a mighty wind, the whole fowl and 
brute creation was in a disturbed condition. "We're followed 
by the fellows that went for the doctor," says Warren and I 
hardly had time to think, when he made a lick to cut the rope, 
and struck him in the wrong place which soon released him 
from trouble, and we struck f«r the wagon, and the cracking 



93 

of the brusli scared our horsee and off they went ! Our team 
were rattling- away, the sheep was doomed to travel the lonely 
road that all unfortunate sheep must triivel, and tlie pursuers 
were evidently on our trail, and no doi:l>t would follow on alter 
hnding the dead wether, which would he no trouble as our fire 
was still burnincr. Oh, what a fool I was for not puttting- the 
fire out before we left, but we felt more like flight than fight. 
1 hey began to hollow, then every specie of the canine race, set 
their musical organs in tune. I told Warren we must secrete 
ourselves or they would find us, and there was no use trying 
to resist that troop of dogs, and we found a leafy tree top, and 
ascended the bioforest limb we found, and had not much more 
than found a good perch, till we was entertained by a herd of 
dogs from every tribe listed at the dog house. What was to 
become of us ? for they continued their ferocions howling, and 
we heard another shrill cry of encouragement to their noble 
band in the distance; we knew we would never getaway if they 
ever reached us, and felt sure they had found the dead wether 
and I had made u^j my mind if they found us, they would shoot 
us off our roost as quick as if we had been two turkey gobblers. 
We were again aroused by deafening whoops which filled the 
surrounding forest. 1 seen escape was imposible, and began lo 
think in real earnest. Oh! thought i, if this is my fate, to be 
shot out of a tree for murdering a wether that would not make 
more than 50 pounds of mutton which could be bought in Ar- 
kansaw at 4 cents per lb. i would have given my showing out 
fit and territory in Arkansaw to have been out of it. How 
.simple we had been for pursuing our course, but there was dogs 
enough to track us into China ! i did not fear death so much 
as I despised to die the ignominious death of a sheep thief. W'hat 
a sad scene it would be for Katie, Nellie and Susie, to behold 
their brother, and their parents, their son — and Kate's true love 
hauled in, a lifeless corpse. I began to think if it should reach 
the ears of "Tom," and my heart did pound like the last sad 
sound of the churn dasher. I heard one or a dozen say at one 
time, "let's set'er a fire and smoke *em out, what d'ye say.'^" It 
was agreed on.and wentto building the fire near us.l expected 
they would spy us out, when the fire was started, but we were 



94 

securely hidden, as the leaves were very thick. But our 
worst fear had not developed, for the leaves were dry and wouiu 
blaze like a candle The light begin to shine, we heard the 
sticks and leaves cracking, and the curling smoke rreer( d i s, 
as it ascended. I thought of every Indian massacre 1 ever i cad 
or heard tell of. The tlames were increasing, the crowd hisvS- 
ing, the.dogs yelping and the fowl and brute creation, inckiding 
a braying institution, were trying to tear their lungs out. Oh. 
horror upon horrors ! a few more short moments, and we will 
be scorched, and — and — away we go ! But instead of it being 
our tree top, it was a stump close by, and when it fell, such a 
cry has not been heard since Samson slew the Phillistines. It 
was a silly 'possum that was fearless enough to approach a hen 
roost and to carry off a hen that squalled so loud and betrayed 
his presence, which led to his capture. They soon had him 
dead as a dried coon skin, and began say what a fine roast they 
would have, and what a lesson they had taught him, and shoul- 
dered their game and pulled for home. Gracious, how good 
we did feel ! We crawled down and started to find our team. 
It sorter reminded me of my trip with Big Bill, on Hickory 
Creek, only worse. By some lucky omen we found the road, 
and to our happy surprisement, we found our horses fast on a 
stump, by the road. We soon got them ail right and reached 
home. About ten the next morning we went up in the upper 
most part of the cabin to recuperate, and was doing nice snooz- 
ing when Susie came up and told there was a crowd wanting 
to see us. When we went down we found 8 or lo *s bio- men 
as ever settled in Arkansaw, and 1 asked what they wanted. 
The leader took a paper Irom his pocket, and commenced tr\- 
ing to read it. He said he didn't b'lieve he could read it. 1 
told him to let me see it, and he handed it to me, and it read 

Perfcser 8hukolfut, yoii are hereforc domaiided to come boforu uic, dead or alive 
to aiij-er a charge I'ur sheep steeleu. John Hidkout. E.s(i. 

We went to old Hideout's and they asked:' "What did you do 
with that sheep you had in your wagon? 1 told him we Had no 
sheep in the wagon, it was a sick man, and had tiie cholera^and 
we took him to one of his friends and sent him home. **Who 
killed thai old wether by the side c^f the road last n;ght ? ' i 
haid i knew nothincr about it, it mii>hc have been a wolf or doer. 



To 

"Yts, and it ir.ight have been a showman, and Nve ihirk It was 
) ou.'' I said ii he could j-rove it, I wc-i:ld bear it. He said lie 
woiild put the trial off till Saturday nig]:L, and birid in a ;^25.co 
bond to be on triaL We gave him the n-.onoy, and said \v 
would ccnie ancl !<ee him on the ap| oiir.c d time. 1 had kni!e 
constructed so as to allow the^blade to slide up in the handle, 
and tixed a small s};onge in the end of llie handle, so when hll- 
( d with any red fluid and pressing the blade up, it would (low 
out. 1 loaded my "holster" with a paper wad and had every 
thing r«ady lo have a little fun crut'en it. V\ hen the day arriv- 
ed, vre found the '.Squire ready to put die case in progress. I 
got around the old iellow and lold him we had come to stand 
our trial and wanted our money back before we went any far- 
ther, and it had to come or we would raise war instanter. He 
agreed to dish her !ip if we would pay our hne. 1 told him we 
would pay it, if found guilty. He gave it up and called up the 
trial. He had 2 attorneys and 1 had one oi their fellows on 
my side. His pro.^^ecuting counsellor got up and open suit : 

Wei Gentlemin: l"in not ueot to pleadin' law, an' jiiiess you'll excuse nie ef I 
d(Hr"t do like other law vi-rs, but any bow we've got these fillers ^lure, charj,'ed 
with slealin' iin' kilbn' one of our n;ibur's sheep, an' we've got to tiy 'em ac- 
.ordiii' to bi\v. The bheep was^found dead, an' its throat cut with a knife, an' 
its tbou^iht thev done it, an' of couise they done the deeri,he wasn't mor'n dead 
nt;\t moruin' when Jojin fuund him an' their wagon track hadn't near died out. 

"Shut your mouth, vye kiiow they killed him and we want to 
knmv how much fine they'll have to pay,'' said the Squire. I 
got up and asked where the evid'^nce was 'that we had killed 
it. 1 told him we denied the allegation and had the prepon- 
derance of evidence to prove that no one seen us with the sheep 
that no one seen us lay violent hands upon it, that no one heard 
us utler a word malice towards him and therefore we claimed 
to be innocent of the charge. His^ther foggy got up and said: 

AWill gentlenjin, its ji«t this much about it, ef they didn't kill the sheej), they 
killed the man what had tlu' coUery, an' every body says th;U shownum is -i 
Nvitch andean tlo anything ne wants to, and liow do weJ<now but tiiat,they kill- 
<"d thatman and turned himintoa sheep. They say he kin do such tliingi«i,and 
i b'iieve he has done sich a trick with that man. My partner-in-law got u]) and 
said, (ientlemen ol the jury, Hom^rable ^(luire and Judge: — Kf t w-ie you I'd 
tine that man a treat of aj>ple jack for tkis whole court, th ' iirst time w'c'kelck 
him at a shootin' matcl., for attemptin' this court. I'd be ashanu-d to talk ton 
set of c()ttou ])ickers^that a\ ay, let alone tkis court. How do yon kno.v they ha'l 
erry man, they miglit a jist said that to git shot of us 1 think you'd bett'ct a- 
grce to treat an we'll let you off. 

i hey <'0t into aquiirrel. M)' law\cr wns cnllcd l")ick,ar.d ifje 



two prosecuters was Jack and Bill. Dick told jack thai was'nt 
half as bad as he had done, even if it had been proven on us, as 
he had knowed of him doing. He said he knowed of him a 
stealin* 3 sides of meat out of Simpkins' smoke hoi'se.ard Bill 
said he couldn't talk, for he made a regular business of steal) n' 
and jist as like as any way he killed the one we's lawin' about. 
Shut your mouth says Hideout, let me tell you all: the sheep 
was killed and we are bound to have pay for him, and that 
showman and Wells boy^was the only wagon that was here, and 
they must have killed it. Bill got up and said that him and a 
lot of other fellers was coming from the show and heard the 
loudest racket ever heard in the Hideout setdement. and when 
they got home they started out some of their dogs and they were 
follerin' up, and run on the sheep bleedin* from the wound. but 
wasn't dead, and there was a fire close by, and we must have 
done it. I told him it might have been us, and might have been 
Sam Slick, or Davy Crocket, but we wanted to know positive- 
ly who done the crime. Jack said it was plain enough that we 
done it, and him and Dick got into it again. Dick got vexed 
and bantered Jack out, and being a little slow and kept tantal- 
izing Dick till he poked him in the eye, and they yoked over the 
Squire's head. Bill ran up to take hold of Dick and some one 
caught him and hurled back. I seen now was the time to try 
my scare. Dick and Jack raised it and was taking it Irish-wake 
/ashion. Bill come running up to help Jack, and I leveled 
my holster pistol at him, and fired. Such another has not been 
heard in the riideout settlement. I struck at him with my 
knife, and the blood apparently flew all over hini, and he fell like 
a beef in a slaughter pen, and I and Warren made for the door 
and thus got out of the sheep stealing. The court was adjourn- 
ed without notice. Good-night, the eve is wanning fast. and I 
mast have rest, I need it and I think you'll agree with me 

CHAPTER XV. 

The Xc!^ro Shoa^ and ^ i4^er Dance. 

Afr: — Dc Niggah hoedown.' 

When iirat I struck dis nijijrah land, 

And s«t mo out to show ; 
Mine heart was light and happy indc plan, 



07 

But soon f^ot tired out you know. 
I'm thinking oi the time, 

«.)f tlie good wld time wo seen in JJixit-'s land ; 
But no mo' we'll see de happy d;iys, 

Dat we seed in Arkansaw. 
When de d irkies used to gadder on de lee, 

When de happy voices mingled, 
As dey gathered round in joys ; 

And singing of deir songs of jubilee. 

P FEEL as if I had been guilty of the charge alleged to me,ia 
y tlie last chapter, for 1 fear you have given your opinion of the 
case, but there is no way of getting out en it, and therefore, wish 
to impress your minds that, i am not giving you a popular Ha- 
vored up story of my life. But instead, 1 have endeavored to 
gi\ e a few of the guiltiest. The incident ihat I am about to re- 
late is a little out of the range of my subjects, but it happened 
while performing in Arkansaw, and I give it with the rest. The 
next day after the trial being Sunday, George Wells came from 
the bottoms, and told us there was going to be a negro dance 
in the cotton picking country, and wanted me go with him to see 
them have their fun, for it was funnier than a monkey show. 
He said it was close to a school house, and I could have a show 
before tlicir iun commenced. A good trick you know. He 
said he was not going back till the last of the week, and would 
hc^)[) me with my tricks; he said there was lots of change going 
in the cotioii country. When the time came, we got our tricks and 
took the spring wagon, and I, and George and Warren struck 
for the '.'nigger land." W^e got there the second day, and put 
up at aboar. ing house. The place consisted of a Still hojse, 
a boarding l)0use. several warehouses, and numerous nigger 
cabins. We seen "de boss" and got permission of the hcuse, 
and had things fitted up before time to open. While we were 
passincT the evening, we were kept busy answering the questions 
of the coons. One of them wanted to know if I wasn't Linzy 
Dowl, 1 told h'm I was Lorenzo's own brother. He wanted 
to know if I ':culd raise de ole boss like Linzy could. 1 said 
ves, by trying right hard. "I golly we want )cu to tryjistas 
ha'd you kin, we want to see how he looks." And every one 
beo-an to talk about resin' de ole boss, and Warren told me to 
rafse some trick to give them a scare. He wc nt down in the 
country and got a bear skin and I placed some phosphorus in 



98 

the eyes, which in the dark resembles whitish fire. I cliar.frd 
the tube used in fire eating, and rolled a little cotton and pow- 
der in fine paper, and some brimstone and powder. VVhen 
the doors were opened, they swarmed in like bumble bcr^sonto 
a lame nigger. 1 showed them different tricks, which iniere >i- 
ed them very much, and began to want to see the ole boss rais- 
ed. I told them he was an uncomfortable customer to deal with 
but if they were anxious to see him, I would call him up, and as 
he was monster-looking criuer, they must not get scared to sec 
him throw fire at them. "We not mista,westan' to 'um, feicli 
um out. "I told them that me and him. were not on good terms, 
and I would have to hide behind the curtain till he left. I put 
on bear's guise, and came crawling out, and bumped myself up 
and sat on a chunk oi wood, and said: "My colored friends,! 
came from the infernal regions to take you with me; how many 
are ready to go T' " 1 golly you no cetch me goin' wid you, 
we'se knowed you befo' jist look at dem eyes, dey look like new 
quarters " I golly, dey look siteful like new pie pans !" I 
began blowing the tube, and the smoke and sparks began to fly 
Well, de Ian' of co'n an' wine, what kind of a chap am he. look 
at dat smoke, nuffter smoke 20 sides ob ole Ned. I rubbed 
the fire producmg material Loged^er,and it began to fiz and ila^h. 
Well de great Masteh,l,se gwine 10 lunibci" out de fus ting you 
know, ef he don't stop putty soon. I commenced burnino-the 
paper and brimstone, and the powder was snapping, and I kept 
blowing the fire^^from my mouth, and they began to n^ako for 
the door, and 1 threw the paper containing the powder in the 
thickest crowd of wenches, and puff it went, and set iheir new 
cotton in a flame. Bould boys of Glengow, and great guns iA 
Moscow ! please hand me a turkey leg. * ;;< * ^< There was 
a pond close by, and they went into it like a hei'd of fish in a 
grassy pond. While they were taking an eveidng bath to cool 
their parching gcwns, 1 scuffled oft the bear skin and a\ ent out to 
see how they were making it. "Goodness alive boss, its a 
blessin' you did hide yo'self, fo' de ole cuss like to bu'n js out' 
They went home and changed clothes before the dance. We 
told them we were going home, and started off, bur iistead of 
going home, we went to an acquaintance's ot Geo gc\ and got 



00 
on a different outfit, arid painted oiirse\cs, and went back to 
the frolic. We told seme of the cullud boys, that wc was hnni- 
ing a job of work, and if they would 'in ticduce us to Jicnie ( b de 
i^als, we would stay to de ball, and dey intojuced us to e\ery 
wench in the muss. Uncle Jake the i ddler, got on a stool, 
stretched out one leg, shut cne e) e, shoved the fiddle under his 
iaw% and went to sawing, and singing — I'se gwine away, I'se 
gwine away, to-morrow ! Eruph wdiite folks, dance aw^ay'aint 
ye w{ rry sorry, caise I'se gwine away. They got partners and 
such another outfit you never saw. A coon called them to order 

Iloh now, all in de ring, circle roun' shnffie away, swing 3-0' turtle dove, ho-it- 
down, ;>\ving dat putty little bowleg Dinah — Flch you niggah, cum dis way. 

When they got ready for another set, we went into another hut 
and I walked up to a wench and said, wdll some of yoa ladies 
dance wdd nie dis set. One said, yes seh, misteh, I'll 'compa- 
ny ycu. You — Fathers of fine fur and woolly noggins ! how 
had I felt. I seen something had to be done to get them started 
for we had no intention of dancing, and only asked them to 
raise it with them. I asked one of the boys if he couldn't git 
narr}- wench to dance wid him. I told them I had de puttiest 
wench in de gang to dance wid. I asked her if she was ready 
and she said, I don't 'pose to dance wid any body, all de time 
inakin' fun ob us guls. I asked how I had made fun ob dem. 
You alius callin' us what w^e aint. L told her I had called her 
nothin' but a wench, and if she wasn't I didn't understand the 
African language. She gathered hold of a three leged stool 
and made for me. I began to back out and landed my heel on 
a young wench's toes. She clutched me by the hair and shook m.e 
like a dog does a snake — the other one was coming at full speed 
and there was a cooking stove under full headway, with boiling 
pots &c., and I give the wench a toss, and she struck the stove 
with her noggin, and then. 

Fire that never qucclu's, 

See what adver.sc adventure*', 

I'm int« with the wenches. 

The stove tumbled over, but the only injury done was the blow 
on her head, but that was si fficitnt. She screamed murder. Is e 
killed, I'se broke my skull, run fo' de dodo' whar dat seem d'l 
go, ef I git holt him I'll leab nnfl'him to feed de fleas, w'hy didn't 
some ob \ou make soa[j grease ob him. It was .supjjcr time, 



100 

and they g-^t their table ready and conduJed to dance another 
set. We got some black wool, af^afcetida and hartshorn, ana 
v/ent ui and flavored their supper, I the wool. Geor;;o the harts 
horn, and Warren the other. I was padding the pies ard cak(^^, 
and butter, Warren scented the roasted shoat, and George ev- 
erything else. When they come in, they commenced smiffnig 
and — what in de wo'ld smell so funny. 1 hey passed round the 
bread and began cutting the po'k. and I bedoggoned if i b'lieve 
dat sumthun ails this meat, pue smell 'um, fo' goodness sake ! 
mus' a been a pole cat in heh. Dats what de matteh. They 
began to open the bread. "Great goodness, foun' a bird nest 
in de biscuit." Some one found a biscuit that was not padded 
and went into the butter, and a hook got the wool, and he raised 
it up on his knife. " Wondeh to Goodness if dat ole buggeh 
man airt been in heh an' done dis devilment. Dat jis what he 
am.^' While they were wondering over the mysteries of their 
decomposed snack, Warren said we must have more fun out 
them, and got the bear skin, and we stuffed it with cotton, and 
rubbed some phophorus on a piece of leather for its tongue, and 
put him in the room where they had been dancing, and hid. * 
They looked for their disappointer, but finding no one, they I 
expected it was de on'ey scamps dat was insultin' gals, and came 1 
flocking into the dancing room without a light, and they beheld 
old Harry with his fiery tongue hanging out, and his eyes like 
coals of fire. Monster living lions, how they screamed ! They 
h®ed it down and got out of there. We ran in and got our bear 
skin, and went to our place and washed the blackness off and 
changed clothes and went to our boarding house. Next morn- 
ino" we got our team ready, and Warren said we had seen so 
fun with the bear skin, he would take it along, and it v.ould be 
all right with the man who owned it, and he put tnthe wagon 
and we racked out for home. We took in a good crowd and 
got a respectable remuneration. Give me a boost in a bramble 
brier, cut my corn with a carving knife, hang my head over a 
horner's nest, shove my shoulders in shocking machine, shine 
my shin with a shave, — one paper ink stand, two straw pens, 
three rubber tooth picks, and a dog's heel. 



101 
CHAPTER XVI. 

Beating them out of it. 

Air: — Frog in (he mill pond siith,g on a log. 
Of all the shows that ever were, 
There is none so bad I do declare; 
As one that is fooling and never tkiere, 
And always stealing and cheating— 
And of all the preachers that ever was known, 
To mak«». people shout and mourn and groan; 
And talk with innocent and forlorn tone- 
As the one at our last camp-meeting. 

DO be honest, I must confess we done more work than nec- 
essary, to get the fun out of them we did, but "the half has 
not been told." We had tried several tricks at different places, 
and made up our minds to go some 1 2 miles across the hills, and 
as Warren was much interested, and was ready any time to 
go with me to find a situation. We traveled over the worst 
part of Arkansaw (that I ever saw), when we was aroused by 
a great big sandy haired imp< who wanted to know where we 
was going. We told him we was going to hunt a school house 
to have a show in. "Well, let me tell you where to go. You 
know old man Slater," we told him we knew Perry Slater. 'This 
aint Perry, but you cant miss it, and you're sure to meet his 
gals before you get there, for they come here every day to steal 
turnips out of this patch, for they aint been here to-day, and 
they'll ask you for a chaw of tobaker." Do girls use tobacco 
in this country, we asked. "Yes, they all chew, and them Sla- 
ter gals are the wo'st I ever seen, they watch the road and ev- 
ery man that comes along has to pony it up or get a cussen. I 
asked him what they would do if a man had no tobacco to give 
them- He says "that don't mend it at all with *em, caise ihej 
know that a man allars has that excuse." We made a few 
more inquiries and started on. We had not traveled far till we 
met four or five slab sided gals, and we asked if they were^Mr 
Slater's girls. "Yes, we're Slater's gals, who told you.'' I 
told them no one had, and asked where we would find the lid 
gentleman. "Who, dad," says one. Yes your father, Mr. 
Slater. "He's to home, but nobody calls him old genteman nor 
mister, they jist call him uncle Josh, caise everybody knows 
him, and it's no use sayin'mister to him." We were about ready 
to i-tdit, when one of them said, "Mister, kin ye give me a 



102 

chaw of tubbacker." 1 told her I would do so, if 1 had It, but 
I was never man enough to learn it. "You're man enough lo 
be an infernal liar, we know jist as well as you do, that you're 
tellin' a sneakin' lie, you stingy hound, fur one cent I'd splat- 
ter them store clothes with this clay mud, all began to sprinkle 
us with clay and gravel, and only saved ourselves by flight. We 
went to Slater's and procured the house, put up out our bills aud 
returned home. At the appointed time we packed up our out 
fit and pulled out, and reacned our destination in good time to 
get ready. Two overgrown fellows came in and asked some 
questons and said, they had seen our bills and they had a trick 
on 'em they didn't beiieve any one could do, and they had made 
a bargain to clean us out' en the naburhood if we didn t do as 
we had advertised, i'hey said they had nigh two bushels ot rot- 
ten aigs, and if we didn't show that trick, we might expect to 
smell 'em. I asked what trick it was, but they said it made no 
difference, if we didn t show it, we'ed find out^by the clatter of 
aig shells. That was final, and we knew it was cutting the man's 
head off. Our informers. put out, and said they would be back 
and we might expect a good crowd, and if we done that one inck 
all would be right. We had nothing to perform the trick with 
and warned ot our danger. 1 his was tiie hardest scrape i had 
been into for sometime, but you know Rackensack Shack, is 
apt to come ahead if his name does end with a "foote." After 
we light up, a crowd sufficient to mob a county, was there, but 
they were cool and all paid their quarters, and took seats, and 
they came in 1 noticed 2 or 3 basKeis containing eggs, i tola 
Warren'tb be ready to do anything I told him, and stretched 
iny best curtains, and then 1 would have to change curtains al- 
ternately. 1 told them 1 had many tricks to perform, and would 
commence on the smallest first. 1 took an empty oyster can, 
and showed them that it was empty, and then showed them a 
pifce of pine wood that would fit the can, and told them if any 
one would come and let me try, 1 would see if he was fond of 
strong drink, and a great big leilow stepped out and baid 1 could 
not tell him what kind ol liquor he liked.. 1 told him 1 would 
draw the kind of liquor out ct the can that he liked, beiore i 
put the piece of wood in the can, 1 secretly dro[>ped a s^-onge 



103 

filled with corn whisky and raised the can to his mouth and held 
a glass under it, and pressed the wood, and the liquor run oul , 
He began to foain and crack his fist under my nose, and swore 
he could whip such a lian rascal blindfolded, and said he hadn't 
drank a drop since Washington was elected, and called for the 
**aigs boys, lets give it to 'em now." They got him quiet by 
telling him "jist to wait, ef he don't show that trick we'll make 
it nasty for them." I told them I would have to change my 
curtians to perform a different trick, and told Warren he could 
go and see if eur horses were standing, the truth was to get them 
ready for traveling. He came back and said they were all right 
and I had changed curtains and told him to be preparing while 
1 was performing other tricks, l had hung up an old sheet, and 
was 4 playing off something interesting to them^ when all at 
once there came a voice apparently without, inquiring if War- 
ren Wells was in there. I made very strange of it, and said 
there was some one wanting to see him,andtold him hurry back, 
I wanted him to help me in the next trick. He went out and 
was talking to to the "voice" w^hich soon got out of hearing. I 
set everything out at the window behind the curtains and crawl- 
ed out, leaving the sheet to keep them compan}^ Warren had 
our horseslready and I have not had a faster ride since old Louse 
died. Talk as you please about ventriloquism, that was as fine 
a trick as I ever played with it. When wq reached home, we 
found that w^e had made a good haul. Next morning Kate 
told us that a camp meeting was going to take place in the Smith 
settlement, close to the Porcupine school house, and said we 
must go, and We told her we was ready at any time. Quite a 
congregation had gathered to go with us to the camp meeting 
and Mr. Weils asked me if I ever preached at a camp meeting 
and I had never preached at one, but had heard much preach- 
ing done. He said if old preacher Hortort found it 'bu|;'j'he 
would have me try ir. The camp ground was in a iiice y;rove 
and the stand was joining a cluster of brush and vines, forming 
a backwall for the pulpit, and the camps w re constructed of 
brush and covered with leaves and bark, ^^ -^- -\' ^= Mr. Wells 
brought the preacher home with him, and introduced him to 
me, telling him "1 was a preachetr of the same faith as his church 



104 

and wanted him to have me preach a sermon. The preacher 
got after me to preach that night. I told him 1 never preach- 
ed in that country, and that he might not like my preaching. 
But I partly agreed to help him that evening, and I was called 
on to open services, but I had become more reconciled than I 
was in the Possum Bend school house, and commenced in a 
better manner, got louder and louder,tilI every one ^n the camp 
ground got to shouting, and one old wench wanted to join the 
church, and I told her I was not their minister, * mc * and I 
asked if she had been baptized, and she said "not zactly as you 
baptiz'^s, but I guess it'd do, tother day when me and J inks. m^- 
ole pa'dneh was crossin' creek on a log we fell mto de wateh, 
and Jinks caint swin no mo' than a flat i'on, and befo' we got 
out'en it, I was as wet as if 1 had been baptized free times/' I 
succeeded in getting the old wejich off, on the old preacher who 
soon settled her gab. We had up a real excitment,and every 
body spoke highly of preachsr Shacklcfoote, and I was called 
on in every service until I became theUeading"':hicken eater" 
in the gang. To more than one new place was I sought after 
to partake of their chicken and sweet cake, and there was one 
family camped there, that owned a store not far off, by the nan t^ 
of Briggs, and had two as nice young ladies as any city, ai^d I 
was invited to share the comforts of the family almost durin<^ 
the whole meeting, and accepted almost every invitation. Thr 
meeting continued for sometime, and began to get a litde dull 
and old brother Horton said one evening that we must do some 
thing to revive them again. I told him to try them that nig-ht 
and if he could do nothing,! would tfy them again. He preached 
about four hours without much change, and 1 seen it had about 
expired, and thought I had better finish it with a little excite- 
ment than quit whipped out, so after brother Horton made his 
exit, I got up and proposed to have one more night of woi'ship 
and then abjourn, which was agreed to. The next day I ex= 
pressed my regret that I could not stay with them, but woui*" 
be with them at night. I got Warren and struck for home, i 
told him that i would have a big sermon that night and want- 
ed him to help me. i told him that after i had preached on the 
"End of Time'' i was going to^call for old Harry, and i want^ 



.105 
eel him to fix np in the bear skin ami come out. That v\-as just the kind of . 
job that he wanted and we went np, hnnted np the old hear skin, and I pninleil 
It witli phosphorns; and fixed ni) the fire tnbe and fverythinji; complete, and 
went oaclc down to the "gronnd." 1 foiuid thein all waitinjx patirnllv io'r my 
)<^lurn. i ^ot np and eommenced the sermon witn the W.d <d' 
time, and had Warren seeieteii in the thieket heiiind me, and co!nmeneed tell- 
in;! them how nigh the ent wasat hand ; an>l4.old them of the dani^eroiis lil^i' 
an«l eareer that tiiey were leading; in running; horses, pUiyinir t lieir j^ames ui" 
chcrtry, j^oinj; to and getting np frolies. ne^jlretinj;: their <S'aJ)l) ith i-eliools, fin'i 
S.d)t)ai}i dnties, and their duties to their Ahvise ('reator, I told them how often 
ttvey had been olf.'red the (diance fnr repentiinee, bnt that thev had hardened 
their he;irts, and j-tifiene 1 their i ocks ; gains- 1 tl\e Avoni of lepentai'ee. and if 
tlie-y did not ehaiiyf^ tiuir h-^arts, that they wonld utterly be oestmyed and that 
•without aeni! d'. I toM thein that I did not lelitve that there w;is t.ne in th." 
whole eomure-^ation that wonld flinch or move, it old Harry would come right 
out from thcbnsiies behind me, flashinjr tire and snn^ke from his eyes and month. 
I told tHem that 1 Ofiieved L wonld call him up and see. I noticed that thev 
appeared t»> be a little excited and some of them be^vm to shout and slap their 
Ji?inds, and mi^nrn, and groan. I seen iidl .Smiths (>ye.s be- 
gin t<» turn whitp, and all the Smiths beg n to get scared u}». 
J told them about how he would look if I called Inm u].. 
and then said, Oli ye demon of eternal punishment, here is a set of hea,ib*;ji 
sinners that no one can do aught with ; — come take them below with ynu. The; 
brush began t<» crack behin I me— and out came the liorrible spe* tor. Bill 
Smith gave one loud and hnig hov -oo-ooh and down he come ; hut lo one staved 
to rescue hi. n. 8e itn were kic'ce 1 over, light sknocked do wn, binsh patches 
split wide op'^n ; m'jn, women, children, horses, dogs, negros and euerything, 
all in a mixed mes-t, hrrrible to behold. 

Wah-hoo— tear my tongue oat wHh a turning lathe — muckle my head with a 
raill-i.o le— sh,up ,'n my siiins for cor.i splitteijs — no more bear skin tails 
jast now. 

^:^^}W5t) 

CHAPTI'K XV A. 

Gettiiz^ r a died out. 

Soiuj of Ihr pUf'l L'ovii'Vti. 
If yon'il listen ti>" me sing 
1 will tell you (d sometliing, 
That is nice' for yjU to hear; 
1 courted a little gal, 
And her name you know v.as Sail, 
But 1 soon got racked Irrun there. 
Th(;n I also had a shf)W, 
And it was not any sro, 
And that was also a cheat, 

An«l the reason of th^:, dr^ad, 
Was, a dog had stole our bread, 
And that was als<» a l^eat. 

RSUP^FICE it to say, that the bear skin ended the camp meet- 
W incr without ceremony. You remember that the Brirrps 
lamily kept a store some few miles away — the same store 
where I bought NelHes dress at, when she i^ot her soa[^\'. 
And so, after tlie accjuaintance that I made durin^^'' the meetincr^ 
I spent many Saturday evenings at the store; c-nd was qui'c 



KX) 

familllar, I and Warren went there frequently, and Warren 
got about as nigh smitten with one of the girls as I was. One 
evening I asked Sallie if she would'ntjust as leave talk to me 
a while the next night as not, and she said she had no cause to 
refuse, as I had always acted manly, and then I asked Matil-ia 
her sister, if she would bear company with Mr. Wells, that he 
was a nice young man, and she made no objection. I told 
Warren about it, and as we were traveling along the next ev- 
ening, we run across Bob Snyder, Toju Smith, Bill Hideout, 
and others, who asked where we were going, and we told them 
we were goin^; to a singing match and asked them to go with 
us. Bob said he didn't believe we was going to a singin'matcii 
and knowed he wasn't goin'. and we went on, and went in the 
house and restino- ourselves like we was in a boardintr house., 
when we saw half a dozen big fellows sauntering around the 
store, and about. night they put off. Towards lo o'clock, we 
got to talking real interesting, and began to think the "dog was 
dead," but we was aroused by the -sad intrusive sound of brick 
bats and flint rocks, and such a noise was never heard since John 
Brown raised a fuss at Harper's Ferry. The gals went in the 
other room, and we made for the ba^k door, and got to the gate 
which was securely fastened, and we both tried to jump the fence 
at once, and down come the shackling fence and knocked over 
a lot of bee gums, and a pile of lumber, and as the country was 
thickly settled, the fuss raised all the barking rnacliint s, and we 
secreted ourselves in the brush, until it got still, and we went 
back cautiously, until we got pretty el(^se,and hejud theirt.dk: 

Boys, that was a nice trirk we played on 'em, an<l 1 wisli they e<l oonie hack, I'd 
like to ^Mve 'em a little iriore. Tliey thouji:ht they were tarnally Hinart, talkin-- 
to them Brip:p:s jrals, — we'll larn '(mii how to <^o sparkiii' such <ials'a.s Sail an : 
Till H!i,!L!;_trs,(lrot tlieir livers didn't they know hetter tlian to s]iark sich gals, its 
a Wf.aider tliey ever got a ehanee to talk with 'em, let alone si)arkin' thar. lu.i 
.Smith said, well l>oys, that tharShacklefoote jist made 'emtliijik he was a rcg 
Mar enss, and thats how they got in wid 'eni,hnt I want to see. how they'll get </nt 

We began to sidie off to get away without them finding it out, 
and in our course we met a pile of stove pipes, and went bang- 
ing through, and that raised it again: "theie bo}s, thiits tin m 
cusses slippin' back, charge on 'em," and a volley of rock. >> cvc 
commenced spattering around i.s like orassf.Oj!) ers in a buck- 
wheat patch. We got into a corn field and circled roimd to 
where our horses were, and as our running was iike a cyclone, 



107 

it scared them till tlu'v be^^an pulling lil c an li'ishn:an } tilling at 
bull beef .at a boarding Icuse.rnd we tc ih nicunted tl c fence at 
once, and some 20 panels came down with an awfi'l crash, and 
lhat made the horses break loose and away they went; their 
clattering shoes knocking fire from the ih'nt rocks under their 
feet. We commenced putting the fence up, when another 
shower came on and we sought a place of safety in the brush, 
and staid there till we were sure that we was at liberty, and 
started for home. To our surprise we found our horses, and 
we mounted them, and that ended the courtship between me 
and Sail Briggs. After getting over our fright, we went in an- 
other direction, got a house and had our preprationsfor agood 
entertainment. We had a corn-dodger baked for a certain trick, 
and the magical coffee pot. from which you draw wine, whisky 
milk, water &c., being maleo^tin with secret apartments, in 
which you put the difTerent liquors, and have them stopped, 
and you call for some article, and remark that you can produce 
any kind of drink called for, and you put your hand in the pot 
as if you was depositing the article in the pot and unstop the 
one holding the liquor called for, the others being stopped, will 
r(^tain their own liquor, and you can repeat it several times suc- 
cessfully. We had brandy, milk, vinegar and coffee, some ap- 
]) es to make eatable candles with, some phosphorus to play the 
fire works with and other tricks, such as we could carry on horses 
On our VGdid we found a horrid crowd — a man was lying in the 
road, and inquired what was the matter, and they told us the 
fellow had taken some kind of poison, and I got off my horse, 
and found that he was as drunk as a whisky tub, and 1 got my 
bottle of milk, and drenched him, and he soon began to groan 
and I asked if they had given him anything, and theyjsaid they 
had given him some soda stirred in water, and thought it holj)- 
ed him, and thinking of my vinegar,! th( upht by stirring thtm 
together, it would ease him, but they had poured it all down 
him.Th^ vinegar was as strong as a yearling calf,and I told him 
there was some good whisky, and he did not draw a breath. till 
the last drof) was out, and as soon as the vinegar made its ap- 
pearance with the soda, there was a mighty roaring set up in the 
old leliow, and after he was a little reconciled, I got my coffee 



in it, and thought It was the one that had the brandy in. I 
told them to take a httle snifter of it, and he would feel better 
I reached him the botde, he turned her down and garcrled che 
last drop out of it, I made sure that I had given him the bran- 
d)^, and thought that he would soon be in a worse fix than 
ever ; but on an examination 1 found that I had given him the 
coffee instead of the brandy. But it w^as sufficient to revive 
the old nerve, and we took our leave and traveled on. 

We reached the hut later than we would liked to been there, 
for the crowd was all gathered around and soon as we o-ot 
there, Warren had to go to taking in their fare, and I had all 
the fixing up to do by myself, I carried in the things and care- 
lessly piled them up behind the curtain, very hastily, when the 
first thing you know, here went a great big beurla fiste, trotting 
out from behind the curtain with our corn bread dodo-cr in his 
mouth. I did not know exacdy what he had, but he walked 
along as easy as if he was afraid some one would hear him 
w^alk, until he got within about six leet of the door, when he 
sorter squatted down, raised his head, and gave one lono- and 
powerful leap, and 1 think he landed about sixteen feet outside 
the yard, and that was the last of our corn dodger. And 
while I was fixing around 1 sat the bottle of brandy down on a 
sort of a table and was not noticing much when an old fellow 
walked up and asked if 1 would let him laste it, I told him he 
rould, and I was very bust and went behind the curtain for 
some purpose, and when I returned he had sloped out and took 
the bottle along. Then while I was tumbling my tricks 
around I tumbled the apples out and away they rolled : the lit- 
tle boys gythered them up before they had scarcely cleared 
the edge, of the curtain, and that put an end to that part of the 
performance. Now what another fix we are into again, all our 
liquid material gone, the milk, the viniger, and coffee, all 
wasted, and gone ; the corn dodger stolen, the brandy hooked, 
the apples devoured up, and nothing left to show with. 

I recollected that the old fellow that we had went to see 
about getting the house of, had told us that it was said to be 
very badly haunted, and no one would scarcely pass it after 
dark, and that the apparation was mostly in the form of balls 



\ 



109 
of fire (lying through the house, and ghosts of different descriptions. ] Tk ■ ul ■ 
I'd hint it to them, and see if they were on the superstitious order'an^ . " ri(.-, ■• 
going too far; and after speaking of the subject. I found that thev \ ■ 
tirmiy given in the belief that there was a real supernatural jurisdictioi, ..: nl 
over tiie entire group. 1 made a few protestations against their belief, brt ' \ 
was of no use. they as firmly and unanimously upheld their opinion as tjji y 
would the decrees of any faith. 1 told them tliat I would have to wait awhile 
before cnuimencing the performance; that my other partner had not comeSvet 
and jhe^had all the tiicks with him. The real idea for waiting awhile was sim- 
ply to make a few fire balls, such as could be tossed in at the window. I went 
l)chiiid the ctirtain •, to »k some c ut )n and s )aked it in coal oil. and made a few 
hails of it. then went out and told Warren to come around to the back window- 
where ] corJd hand him out the material, then I rolled up some paper balls and 
rubbed phosphorus lightly ovei- them, and fixed up several other like fiery won- 
ders and handed them out to Warren, and told him how to operate them. He 
fastened the cotton ball on a stick, and set it on fire, and whiz he took it right 
jast tiie windov. A wild cry of torror was instantly set up. and I raised the 
window to see what was the natter, pretending to have seen nothing, and told 
them that it was all imaginaiy and — whiz came one ef the phosphorus balls 
through the window and passed out at the door. Bv this time ihey were begin- 
ing to stir around in real earnest, when zip couje another ball and rolled across 
the floor till it came to a vacancy in the puncheon and fell under the floor 
fi( m s'ghr. ^OAv. then, if evei you saw a whole herd of mules hemmed in a 
barn that had ;i floor in it, or a drove of Texas cattle hemmed in a stock yard, 
i V a h^t of wild horses all fastened up in a barn lot. you can have some idea of 
the clattei- they made. They jumped over benches, knocked over chairs, stools, 
tables, aid tumbled OAcr each other, ripped, screamed, snorted, and lumbered 
(lit cf there faster than a dog can run with a chunk of stolen meat in his 
liioath, aiid hollowed as they went. "Ghosts! ghosts! ghost! run out every- 
body, run. run. run, for goodness sakes, run! that's old Bill Teal comin' back to 
scaie us Mit hicr with his awful fire ball."' Well, whether it^was Bill Teal 
or u«.t it strved the same purpose, for soon as they cleared the door, they every 
' '-ritter ' of them, took their own course, and fled for dear life, and waited not for 
, the colli] ;.];;, ol Bill Tral. nor ajiy one else. ^^'hat a wondeiful bjid job it is 
ai'ain. got their money all for nothing but giving them a good scare. They, 
who innocently paid their (juarters just for the purpose of ( njoving a good 
evening s sportive pleasure; they to whom no grudge nor ill feelings were the 
least felt, they that had e(mie on purpose to encourage the })rogiess of the 
sh(»w, by contribiuing tluir jtoition of sustenance to the entcrj^isc of amuse- 
ment, and such was the treatment given them. Horrid thouglit; it was too 
hite to whine about it then, .•-o wejiist packed up our dm s Mid dcwn the road 
we tiJivelcd — ant we ncfer vas so solt in all mine life to so luitlur. Take 
mine teeth and tongue out 1 chews mine speck und proat mit for a jjeefsteak 
sausage mill — 1 did nt feel so leetle as vat 1 nefer feels before since mine frow 
leafs me. 



Hi 
CIIAF'TKK \\\U. 

J/oir to ^uutlioiv a Sunlit. 

TUNE — ^Ornti the Bite of a Smittlerak'r 

In -Arkansaw, there wiice did dwell 
A shovviiian that was known well, 

Tho. — Ri-tu-ick-a-di-da— oh — li. 

And thio showman, one day did tro 
l>own in the bottoms for to shoM'. 

Cho.— id- tu ick-a &c. 

He tiad scarcely siiowii half of liis tricks, 
When R lioison serpent he did fix. 

Cfio.- Ri-tu-ick-a-tu-ick-a 

He raised the snake up which he held, 
And where it went, they could not tell. 

Cho. — Ri-twink-nh. 

()i-D I'axtherfoot. 
P^OW my fair friends. I have partly rccoxcred fr«m the bombard at Briggs' 
ll a storo. and the ••artilicial <;h(.st' ap|>arations. and now what do yoit suppose 
Uu will be next. But before proceeding too far. let me say a few words in re- 
gard to tlie Briggs girls. You, perhaps, remember tiiat 1 have moi-e than once 
asserted that 1 have never had one iota of feelings of affections for no one on 
this vast extensive universe, save the one that 1 have p.utjd from long, lonu' 
ago. The only reason tiiat I had any desire to have conversation with Sallie 
Brings, was because she w'as of such remarkably refined ami ble nature, that I 
only wished to spend a few moments conversation with her, just for the amuse- 
ment of her line society that was so interesting to me ; but felt no such thing 
as love or affectionate feelings for hei", nor no one else since the last time that 1 
ever beheld the beautiful little black haii-ed, white faced, dark eyed, pearl nosed, 
ruby liped, ivory toothed, velvet skinned, beer bottle armed, coffee pot ankled, 
pelican voiced, low, dowdy, heavy, chubby, chunky, hunky, spunky little wood- 
duck of a looking girl that 1 have so often spoken of in the previous part of 
this volume. And moreover, after 1 had experienced a few such trials of 
courtship as I did there. I have decided on spending the remaining future in 
bacheloiy. But, notwithstanding all this, I still i-esolved on keeping myself on 
the look in for some chance of retaliation towards the perpetiatoi-s of interupt- 
ing my civil rights in courting k^allie a little, just for the amusement, and was 
not long in obtaining a plan. You see, after we got a little (piictcd about the 
matter. Beck Snyder let the '-cat out of the wallet," and told Kate Wells that 
was Bob 8nyder, and Tom Smith, and Bill Hideout, and a numbei- of others 
that had played the game on us, and you see wc ke])t aii eye on the ''cusses, ' 
and owing to the trouble that I had been into with Bill Smith since my intro- 
duction into the country, I was not on much teiins of peace with any of the 
Sniith family, and did not care much if 1 was"nt. But Smiths and Snydeis 
were as nigh one, and as liard to sever as soft soap from rain water ; and Beck 
Snyder and Kate Wells did not like each other any more than an old wonnin 
likes Aveak coffee for breakfast, and to g(!t u]) a little -^pite work. Beck Sn^utr 
and Jane Smith concluded t(^ have a little gathering down at Smiths, and to 
vex Kate they invited every one in the neighborhood but 1 and VV^ells' folks. 
We were no ways disappointed on receiving a blank card, for we had expect- 



112 
cd it. and then 1 an<l Warren wantf'<i to see il' wo coulfrnt cftntiwe some j^lan 
(it re})avMient (Ml niir auta_u(>nisticall_v iMigus li-ienr.s. I'iie dav <tn wliicli the 
niuht i(ill(t\\ii!g- was to }>e the time foi- t\\t\v sport and jiihiKc arrived, and 1 
was thinking eanu.-tly how 1 was to j^et e\ en with tlieii) for ihcir r.idc intrusive 
aet mion me and tlie Briggs faniilv. as well a>< the insuitina non-in\ itation to 1 
and my friend Wells. I knew jtretty w(>ll ahout how the thinii'was innning. 
Beck and Kate have not liked ea(di other sinee the_\ had laised a i'iis< ah.out 1 
and Warren g( in<i to Bii}j:gs. and Boh and his crew rai.-ing- tht; row with us 
while then; : and I knew too that Jane Smitli and Keek had nnnU- IrieJsds .-inco 
the time thev had such a row at Snvders. and 1 kiU'W tliat i'oh SnvdtM- and .l.mo 
Smitli would pai^ner f tt. and l>eek and Ton Smith and so (Ui in rotatii n. i^ut 
how was 1 to settle my aeeount with them? i owed it justlv and lelt .t d'cji 
anxiety to j>av uj) like a mm. Fnere wi-; oit one i le i th it wm>; a/aiia >\r. an 1 
that W(Mild he at the risk of having some innoeent |)ers(Mi to siiai- in the iss(ie. 
1 thought of many things that would he e(juallv as desirahle. 1 kn(MV jireeisely 
the arrangement of the .vlnde atlaii-. for Nellie Wells had heen (tver to the 
widow Snyders. and Beck had desenhed in full detail the prieise programme 
and Nellie ahvays told ]iie of everything- she heard — especially of Smiths- for 
she knew that I did not like them any better than a dog likes crah ap]ih s. and 
she liked to tease me ahout Jane Smith any how. She said that Beck Sii oei 
had told her that they were going to m<ike a great big i)ot full of caiidx. ui 
maple syni]>. and was going to have supper at midniglit — which of course was 
iuvariablv the lule all through the whole settlement, to have their lunch readv 
fixed and on a table, and just about the hour of midnight they would take a 
midnight dii;ner. Now 1 was not long in studviiig out a plan t(» bother them a 
little if nothing nunc, I knew that (dd Perry Slatter liad a good lot of trap> 
along the creek, and I knew that he also had several traps made of small nail 
kegs, which he had set in a ])ecu]iar kind of a manner; he would dig a hole in 
the ground ahout two feet deep, then balanced the keg on tiu» edge of the hole, 
and put a bait in the back end of the trap so that when a virmin walked into 
the back end to examine the bait it would lift up before, and down behind, and 
into the hole ;t would fall, and held him down by the addition of a lid fastened 
by a spiing to the u] jier pait o1 the institution. I knew- that there were a 
certain kind of cats in them woods that their company were shunned as if 
their breath Was not wholesome, and 1 als(-) knew that they were as plentv as 
bad doctois in a sickly ncighboih(.od. and thought if uiy couipany was not de- 
siud. that 1 would send my assistance in the best nianiuM- that I eould. I 
knew that the uiost int(.'resting guest was always the most welcome at the 
table, and was nut particular about being in a hurry to send him in until to- 
wards twehe. lest they uii^l.t get worried with his odorous perfume, before 
meal time. 1 t(dd my right-liand-hel)) uieeti m-half-way of the idea, and it was 
as satisfactory with hiui as it is to invite a womari to a (juilting, and wt> sat out 
to seek our prize. We did not have t'» go a grnat ways before finding a huizo 
old fellow, neatly secured ,ii one of tdd Perrys ])at(Mit tra])s. We had an old 
coffee sack along and we put the keg intt> it without oj)eniiig the lid to e\ 
amine the color, for we eould test the savory odor without, and that was suffie 
ient evidence of his excellencies. W^e suspended it (uito a ]>oie and, as \\r went 



112 
H good ways down the creek in search ot him. we had not very far to carry our 
loaaiijg. We carried hiiii iip pretty close to the house and deposited him in a 
tiecure place; uiitil we seen what tor a time they were having of it. And on 
creeping up as near as we thought we dare venture, we soon ascertained what it 
all meant. We fo)und that Bob Snyder, and Jane Smith had made a bargain to 
become indisolably joined together in the humble and contiitiousiy sacredness 
of wedlock, and they were making merry over the coupled pair ; we crept a 
little closer and found that all were exulting over the bride, and speaking in 
the highest terms of praise of beauty, intelligence, shrewdness of their bride. 
But, for the sake of huiiian imagination, let me here (.ccupy a little space in 
tellihg a little about how she loo.\ed. }et, I cannot near imitate the description: 
her hair looked something like the guts of a yellow pumpkin, or an old cow s 
tail sv»aked in linseed oil, or a banch of liax that a saeep had been butchered 
on ; her mouth looked a little li.vc a trematis ^tomato,) wita a wagon waoei run 
through It, or a deep yellow musk melon with a slice taken out of its side, or 
the mouth of the largest yellow catiish that ever swam up the Ar^ansaw river; 
her nose resembled a large red pepper pod ; her eyes were as white a.s the vapor 
snow, with alternate streaks as rtd as the brilliant biands of tire ; her face was 
as red as the head and fob of a turkey gobbler : her teeth were as yellow as 
the Mexuan brass, and her tongue was as long as eternity — no end to it. Oh ! 
Moll! what fun they were seeing; tnere was old Perry Slater reareu 
back and making the old fiddle hum as ever a tiddle can, do its best lick cm 0»d 
Zip Coon ; a set were on the floor ail in deep ai.xiety to do their best for t:ic 
amusement and interest of the newly wedded son-and-daughter-in-law. Taey 
had a good big pot of syrup on the fire boiling away, and at the other end of 
the fireplace was another pot with a delicious chicken pie simmering away We 
crept cautiously up to the Viindovv, which happened to have S()metiiing hung 
over it to prevent the passage of a current vane of atmosphere from a broken 
pane in the wiiidow. i carefully moved it to one side, just enough to take a 
cat « eye view of the affair, and tlie first thing that met my eyu was the pots 
on the tire : lor xSellie had mentioned it, and it was partly what 1 was looking 
lor. Theie sat old man Smith rigiit in the corner, wnth his cane laid across 
his knees, puffing away at his pipe as big as a goat in a baiii lot; huirying them 
u}) and bossing the crowd, and in-t knowiui^ that there were any fireplace in the 
house. 1 told Warren to follow me, I knew of an ojd well down in theii feed 
lot that had an old iashiontd sweep to draw the water with, and it had a pole 
to it that had a hook on it, jus^ the t-ick. L \\ent down, found the hook, and 
dislocated it from the swee[), and started back to the house, and af we were 
returning we saw an old white rooster sitting on the fence. 1 told Warren to 
seize him by the neck and not let him squall, we went up to the house, and 
began to prepare fwr a job : the corners of the house stuck out and made a 
splendid place to climb onto the roof. You may well imagine that we were 
very careful about making as little noise as v)ossible. but it was scarcely of any 
use. fwr ] do not think they could have heaio a tl;i ashing machine running. I 
climbed up, took the hook, and vvaUed up to the tj[» of tue cnunney, reached it 
down, and fastened onto the pot that contained Ksau s favorite dish, drawed it 
carefully up. and handed it down to Warren and took the old rooster and crept 



iin 

back, and preped down into the licuse through a hole in thr roof; thfv vrrr as 
hupy as ever, hooping, and howling, and stamping, and I accu they wph- in *o 
mu«h delight 1 thought I would help all I could : drot their little cnidy I 
didn't want none of that, but I thought 1 would put a little medicinal pu pcr- 
ties in it.and make it healthy. I knew^ sut was good for some diseases and did not 
thin'; it made much differeHce wdiat it was. I raised the <dd wMfe-and-husband- 
maker over the top of the chimney, and let him fi utter right tail backwards 
down ihe chimney. Reader? did ever you see the dust fly from an old thresh- 
ing machine, or rise in the road before you while going to a celebration, or did 
you ever hear the hoarse horrid cry of the shanghigh rooster, or did vou ever 
hear the flopping of a watermill wheel ; if s». you may have some idea of what 
kind of a splutter the old rooster made as he went wabbling down the chimney. 
I knew^ that tiie very first place they would look would be the chimney, and so I 
made it to the other end of the roof, and scaled down the corner, and made my 
disappearance in the darkness. \^ arren had already given them leg bail with 
the pot and thns we escaped capture and a severe trial of feloneously. mali- 
ciously and wilfully, hooking a pot of chicken sass right from under the noses 
of the whole crowd «>f them. Mutilated future felicity, and vacant mill ponds: 
if ever vou heard a disturbance raised in all niggerdouj. it was raised there. 
] think Bill Smith could have been heard clear and dis- 
tinct as far as old aunt J)inah's cabin : he jumped up and 
down, cracked his tists. raved, threatened. screamed. sfjualled. 
and acted like a big fool at a frolic. You all recollect Bill dont yon? 
Yts that was the vwry fellow ; the OFie that took the frothin' spell. But Bill 
was not the only one that participated in the lamentations for the lost, or stolen 
pot ; there was Jane Snyder the newly made bride of Stillhouse. Bob and Beck 
Snyder, and Sail Smith, and the old \, oman Smith ; you just ought to have 
heard them drive off a little. Perhaps 3^->u hive all heard geese gather 'round 
and chatter over the conquering gander, and give a few rpiank quanks at the 
whipped out flunkey, or have passed a farm yard where there was souiething 
like a thousand guineas all going at once, if so, you can have some idea of the 
lacket them re wimmin njade about loosing their vessel of pottage. FJut their 
Avlioops. howls, and hissing of trip, fcr.^y. try. beev(\ tige, and bull, did not bring 
back their lost p«t. nor sever the sut from their ca»idy, nor restore the singed 
tail feathers of Bill's big white rooster ; for the pot had fallen into the hands 
of *^hose who heed not the cries of the innocent babe, nor the wails of the 
t 'ir.ler feeliiigs f>f the mothers, especially in a case like that After they 
s )i tur .«:"ttled tliemselvos, we took a good lunch of the favorite dish of the 
circuit riders and began to feel some better. We knew that Boh Snvder had 
s) ije g »od li |u )r about the place, because he wa** never kniwn to be out of it ; 
•1(1 we was on the spy for the discovery of \t< whereabonts. and was not long 
i 1 a>cert lining its location. We had crept back to the house, and found that 
they were still keeping up the thundering noi«e. while old Mrs. Sniith was in 
the other house, pottering around and doing something that we did nt (piit<^ 
understand. We thought she was going to make a big pot of cofl'ee, from the 
movements she made, but on close watching we found that she was preparing 
to make what they calle«l a stew, it was simply a l(»t of liquor put into a tw* 



114 
gallon coffee put. a^s full as it would eonveuieiitly hwld. imkI ^.ut <iiito tlie.fire. 
and heated up, and seasoned up with different kinds of spices, until it was 
made miuhty pleasant 1 tell you. We watched her as close as a woman 
watches lier suspicious hasband, until she got it hun^ on the iire. and then how 
was we to manage the thing? There was no one else in the house but the old 
woman 8mith. but she was as good a guard as was needed, for 1 \v(u;i<l sooner 
went in on a ftricious wild cat as her, for 1 had liot fo.gt)tten the whailing 
that she had given me with the broomstick. But, how to got her out of tl eie 
was a puzzle. 1 thought may be that some one would call for her in the 
other house, but then i thought it uoald be just as likely that some one would 
come in and that would be the end of my idea. Then J recollected how easily 
T had saved mvself from being smeared with the psodacts of a hen s nest, and 
so thought I would try the art of speaking from the quiz. I creeped ah)ng t.ll 
I got near the other house and e illed out to her, siie came to the dofM- and want 
ed to kii()W what was wanted. I told her as near in tiie tougue of Beck Sn /der 
as 1 could that uncle Isam wanttd her to come in theie. i tiieii darted towards 
the other door, and soon as she went int.> tat* other house I made for tac coffee 
pot of stew, hiked it off' of tha tire, wnd skinned out at the back door, and the 
way I hoossled down the spring path, until I reached ti-ie cornfield v\ras"nt slow, 
shuah, You think you can imagine just how they acted when tluy missed 
their stew, but you ve no idea of it, for. although we had receded to the fartliest 
end of the cornfield we could hear them roaring away like a heard of cattle 
oveV a butchered and bloody beef. We had two more tricks to play before end- 
ing the performances, and the toasted whiskey that we had sacceeded in secui- 
ing put us in a fair way to finish up ; we had taken a half i,allon jug and placed 
ab(jut half pound of powder into it and jitut a tuze into it. and filled it uj) wjtii 
a h^t wt sand : but we had rolled the powder in a roll of paper and got it as 
neai- the center ©f the jug as we could. After eveiything got still we crawled 
back to the house, as near as we dare .-enture and found that they were all, 
cvei-y lubber of them in the other house, fixing to take their midnight re{)a>t. 
1 crej.t along until 1 found that the dancing room was entirdy vaeaiit. and still, 
and dark except the firelight, i sloped in, dug a big pit in the a^hos. and buried 
the jug snugly and slided out. without sermon, ceremony, or lu'ijciiiction. By 
thiK time thev had ccunmenced in good earnest to try their facilities of mastifi- 
caiiwn on the principal sustanence of human existvjiice, and vva.s having great 
joy over it indeed. VVe had earrit d out old prisoner u\) to a ])ropei" distance and 
was about ready. They had l)oth doors cios* d, ana an old wimiow that had 
neither glass nor shutter had an old (p.iiit hanging over it to pr«!vent the extin- 
gushiiig of their light ; we strippfMJ otl' the old sack and raised th(^ trap up to 
the opened window and unfastened the lid, and down he tu-ublcd right over 
Jane and Boh Snyder s shoalders- \\h) were sitting witii their b;ick^ right against 
the wall of the cabin, under the window. He 1 nuled (mto the table and the way 
he made dishes and gravy rattle and splasa, was //<>,/ sfdir'tcr iniiKxio, rpao 
facto. 1'hundei and blazes! if there was ever a fuss raised in Porcupiiu; Hollow 
there was one raised there. Bill 8m. th blazed away at him with a teacup, and 
such a sweet scented sa\'oiy has not been seen, heard, nor «melled sinee Thomas 
Hope .vent a etuirting in Tennessee. They kicked, and stamped hiui all ov^r 



115 
th'.' hnu-e. turned over the table in their ieroeions battle, and everv one in t • 
cabin was isatui-atecl iroin head to foot with the s\v(^at of theii' op]»©n^Mit, uir i 
thev e nigeled hinj into the realms of vast eternitv. Tiien there was ;^reat i> 
ioirinj; over the niuuierions (iestruetion of their inti-udei-. and aftt r thev li.; 
massacred the old lad and twre round consideraablv. they all came ( ut into the 
other house to resume their perpetration of -fnss makirig. ' and soon had it go- 
in.u again as liveiy a> eve r. Bob and Jane Snvd< r,Be.k Snydei-and Ton; Smith. Bill 
Hideout and and Sail Smith. and anotjur couple had taken the floor foi- thedajice 
and Sam Smith had placed hin.^elf in the cornel'. Bill Sn)ith was souiewhcie 
around gazing on with as much eagerness jis a doubtful lawyer listenitig to the 
decision of a jur}-. and all went happily on ; the music alo^e. the driver of the 
reel commenced ordering tlu in round, the clatter hcgan. ind they nil went 
knocking kingdom coUiing out of the old oaken puncheons ab<iut as j)ert as 
e.er yo i sden it di;ne. i had dug a deeper ))it in the ash pile than I had im 
agined 1 had. and began to think that it had flashed in the i)an. or the ashes. 
We had stole our way back to the house and was listenin<>- to their clatter when 
we conchuh^J t!iat our plan of giving them a little fright had failed, and wa> 
just thinking of starting home, when all in less tiuie than a flea can bite vou 
and then gtt away, a noise, a cloud of smoke and ashes, a flying of chunks of 
wood an I fire, aad piec s of jug. and moie than all a wild cry of human 
voices mingleu m eacli the imist iiideous in natures collection. It was a sight 
nitt 10 be seen n evciy evening party in which we are called to witness. We 
knew it was no tar.e for suspecting, or detectitig tht conspirators, and not 
kno\vihg but s< mc one was dangerously wounded, and probably al of thim 
] at-t helping each other, we ventured to go in tc* see if there was any chance of 
u ^cue ; and <.n eiiteiiiig. there Ave beheld a most slu)cking sight. There lay the 
old man Smith tumbled back as if he was deader than a cod-fish. Beck. "Jane 
and Bt b SnHh*r, was stretched on the floor blacker than th«^- cloud of disrress. 
the ici-t wiis covered in dust and ashes, as deep as ugliness on an old maid. 
Bili Sn4ith v.as jumping up and down like a turkey at a rooster, slapping his 
hands like banging two handsaws toi;ether, gnashing his teeth like i^rinding 
oyster siudls. screaming like he thought the house was wn fire- poor BiH I I 
tried to soothe his sorrows as mucli as jxissible but it was ( f no use. he still 
kept it up whooping «nd h(«wling worse and worse, louder and louder, till down 
he comes sjuawling in the fiooi. frothing and foami.!;::. kickii.g and struggling. 
My old tow tiousers I wliat an< ther predicament! here they were screaming. 
s<|ualling. howlmg, S(juealing, ranting. On an exaniiinition we found that thcic 
were no serious injuri-, s excej t skinned faces, biuist d ankles, lacts scalded 
with hot aiiihes, and a paitial deafness; we helped to get the asln s off -of them 
and g( t them tip in shape, and then we began to mak,.: incjuiry as to how it had 
happtned ; they could not toll anythini;- abo:,t it and as we had put - ii a ]>r<tty 
fair disguise, in case they should overhaul us in some of our ethei tricks, and 
owing to the smoke and ashes settling in their eyes ami faces, and by ns tcsling 
that we had been a C( on Ininting, and had got h'st. and had heard the nois( and 
canje in to see what it meant, we wer« not the least bit suspeerted. They thank- 
ed us very kii;dly for our service and invited us to stay all Hight with them, but 
we declined with thanks their kind offer, and told them tinit we could reach 



116 
heme in a few hours, and as we went to start they told us how rude they had 
heen served that night, and they believed that it was a showman that staved at 
\Vells" and Wells cussed boys, that had done the deviltry, and said that tliey 
meant to rind out if possible and pay em for it. We made veiy strange of it, 
and said that aiiy one that would do the like was mean eneugh to steal bones 
from a blind dog, and bade them a very good night and sloped out, concluded 
to let them rest the remainder of the night. It was right ticklesome to us to 
see how completely we got olf from being apprehended, antl the two gallon.s of 
whisky well tlavoreci and seasoned, ana the supper we hauled out of the top wf 
the chimney, amply repaid us tor the trouble wc took to do the thing up, and 1 
believe we paid them well enough tor the raid they had made on us at Briggs . 
But they never found out whether it wa» us or not. that played the trick ®n them 
and so that sijuared us. Now alter we had taken a go^u rest and recovered Horn 
our nocturnal deeds of desperation on the Smith auu fenyder tamilies, we set about 
it to gel up another show. We had heard of a school house away aown in the 
river bottom country, some three miles beiow the one wliere we had performed 
the feat with the bear skm, and rixed up to go down to try it a round. VV'e had 
made a fair sum tne first t^\^) we hii taki.i lii tii ; o>t,.oms, and we thought we 
had as well do so again, i icnew about what sort mi a crowd 1 would huve to 
deal with, and was thinking of some i.^•vv tricK luat 1 might get oli on them. 
1 wanted some sort ot a trick that wwuld ainivisc seem impossible to them, and 
still be plain enough that they would be compelled to believe it a real one. As 
we were camped up to take dinner, ana feed our hurses the tirst day we suuted, 
as you remember that it was a day and a half drive to the bottoms ; we found 
a water snake in a little spring brautn. i captured the gentleman, and caged 
him f jr perfoimance. We traveled on and reached the bottom settlement the 
next -day by dinner, and gave out the word that 1 was going to accomplish 
the most startling trausaetion that had ever been in Arkansa.v, taat i was actual- 
ly going to swallow a serpent, a re))tile, or a snake three leet in length, it 
raised a vvotjaertul astonishment everywhere, and was carried from one cabin to 
another, until tiie whole vaiiey was in an uproar, and by evening, every boy, 
nigger, and cotton picker in tac settlement, Wua tixing to go to see the iiornbie 
sight. We went oil down to the school house ty be icaajy piCj^areu to t.uve in 
an unusually large crowd; tor i haa from tiitir convcifeaiic-n pro^nos-tiCatco a 
••big run," and was not uecerved. i^or tne u >ase wa^ as full as a tramp is uf 
buhalo ueas. But before any one had starteuvve went in t.» ^ee .viiat for lovtK- 
ing place It was. it ^^at^ haiu looiving ciiuugn i in) say. 1 do not tiihi.v linj: 
foot of man had tread the sou aroand the u.».>r yard cuca o.d Nja iVas a bo,. 
PolK stai(v>>, .'^mart weeus, vlaer uusiies, and aJ. .-sucu were grovvmg'. or nai 
grown m rampant vig(;r, aii aroand the premises. 1 >.tpjnou a v*,.^, int » i.i^ do >r 
pushed it oi'nn and faltered as i wal.vCa in. Just as 1 cleared t.xe d kiy lacin.;. 
i wdA startled to uttjr iii.ij is.bi.iLy 0/ tne kViid ae.ce shiie.v of a huge big wild 
cat, almost as big .is On. Jxc. tie mad; a ie ip at th<i window and unding 
that iie could not m.iKe nis way oat. h^* turiie ^ oa me determined lo sell his lite 
to the highest biOuer. i seized tlio hrst tning t.iat i could gei iiold of, waicii 
was a thret legged beiica about luar leet long, made of a piece of an oak board 
about eight inclies wide and met him half way. i knew it would be of ho use t© 



117 
offer a iiag --f tiuce. ;nid concluded that the harder and fiercer the l)attlf the 
^; eater would he, the viclory. and went in on him to conquor <y y -nsh •vit'i him 
io tne affrav. 1 ]u;eled awav at hiui as he come, right over th<' i- >c iiimI \'u*-c. 
and knocked him back and stunned him a little, but he was t>'i -ood a ir.it t.) 
o-ive it u)» at that and made another spring towards me in wnich I t mi lered biui 
the same offer that he had refused to take with a little more force than I li;i<i 
before : he made the third banter and was given the same eMeourag^Muellt ph<-h 
time: the nnxt time i»e arose, he endeavored t(» ^ry the window; but I rearhed 
him oiip aci'oss the back with all the strength of my whole force and w<'ighr of 
th(- heavy sto*»l that L held in battle, which weakened him to soiur extent. ;iM<i 
bv thus doint^ it iiave me time to reach my knife and pistol. T tired on him and 
lodged a ball in his brain, I tired on him again and he fell to the tioor. \Vaii»n 
had been busily taking care of the team, and had heard nothing; of tiu' atfair 
until I fired th«' pistol and ^hen he came in there lay the wild cat dead as a 
dirt pile. We fixed up our tricks and so forth, and was not long ui.til we wa^ 
accompanied by a large crowd. We had concealed the wild cat btdiiiid tut* v ir 
tains, and told them all that we had been into fearful battle with a panther, and 
showed them the blood on the floor, and described the scene to them very fright 
ful. for 1 knew that if it was anything like it had been that I would uavi' to 
res*ort to some sort of a get-shut-of- em the easiest way that I could ; and 
wanted to give them a little warning of v, hat a dangerous location the tiouse 
was in. in order to have a starting point in view. However, wo took in theii- 
mites which counted up to a (juit(> liberal sum. and commenced preparing t©r 
nerformance. 1 took the care and precaution to inform the company that we 
would h-'ve a show the next night, at the school house up to the Cotton Farm, 
where we had raised tlie "id liairy before ; and also took extra care to wain 
them to be on their look out for wild cats, panthers, and such like, that we had 
been tackled by a very large panther, and had heard the screams of wild cats 
as we were coming in and they appeared to be very plenty, all through the 
woods. Then I commenced the performance by showing some very wonderful 
tricks 1 asked fcu' a hat and told them I could pass a candle right through 
the crown, and light it to show them that it was really through the hat. I u(»t a 
hat and took a piece of candle and placed a needle in it at the square end ; then 
I toek another piece of candle and showed it to the c<un[»any for them to s( e if 
it was real or not ; then I put the needle througii the top of the hat and lit 
the candle and it blazed away like the genuine lamp — Jews and Gentiles ! what 
a fiiss was raised about that hat ; the owner said that I had ruined his hat and 
1 ha»] it to pay for, «r never leave that house alive. I tidd him that it w^as not 
iniur.d the least particle, that 1 had made the hole sound and showed him the 
hat; but he said that I had just fooled him, and given him a different hat. 1 
showed him my hat and told him how the trick was done, but nothing would 
satisfy him. I had done one combat that evening and did not care aoout any 
more and so 1 agreed to give him my hat which was worth more hats likv hi."* 
was than vou could pih; into an old bee gum. Then I ctuicludcd that I would 
not try any more such tricks as would cost me my hat. and told them that 1 
would show the'ii the greatest oitperation and seeming impossibility that had 
ever been witnessed or that had ever been performed in any country. T t<>ld 



118 
them that 1 had the power to swallow one of the most poisonous, venomous and 
dangerous rejjtiles that ever escaped the woman s heel. 1 then went to \u\ snakes 
cage aiMl (iu-w hini out. and ottered him for examination, but no one cared about 
making an attempt to handle him. anu consequently 1 had no dilhculiy in prov 
ing tliat. lit v\as a real water moccasin; therefore no dispute was made, as the 
TiT-aJiU oi the reptile. After \ had shown him twisting aiid wrangling around 
iity arms, and giving them a snort and striking lecture on the ar*^ of snake swal- 
lowing. I raised him to my uioath as if I wa.-> going to bite his head off. .1 nad 
on a coat vMtii ver\ large sieeves. and while pretending to manage him down my 
month. I had my coal sjoevt; so hxed over my mouth, that no one ccmid tell but 
that tue snake was t-rawiing down my necK, out in reality, he was crawling down 
my coat sl«eve.Ut all the wonders they ever beheld. tiiat one took the rag off their 
no.^^e tur wonder and surprise: they said it banged Bob-tail of anything they 
had c\e) seen or hearn tell on. .viany wonderful expressions were made over 
the ma>t>.-iiy joh of swaiiovving tiie snake, as they supposed was done in reality. 
AltiM- tiie excitement ceased .i littir. I stepped to tne window oehind tue curtain 
and svt ihe old fellow tree, as 1 shook iiiiu from my oat sleeve int<» the weeds. 
\\ iivA\ tiiai was done, tliuv wanteU to see sometmng eisf. I made several protes 
tations, tc.ling them I wanted to get away, 'est the old panther that we had such 
a Uattle with, might come oacu to try us again; but they were determined on see 
mg more tricics. The; said • lut em come, they wasn t afeard of a whole litter 
oi pant CIS an' the old on throwed in. i then pretended to piay something for 
their entertainment. 1 iiad Warien pretend to go and see to the horses, tie 
went out and came to the window, and 1 handed him the mutilated wild cat.aod 
as i was prcpaiing a trick, i began tiy mg to imitate the caterwauling of a wild 
cat, cat lino unte or panther, i made a few squalls, and they began to get intcr- 
esteu 111 it. i told them that 1 believed it was coming nearer, i gave a few 
more s(|ualls, and Warren raised ttie old wild cat up to the window, as if he was 
trying to get into the house, and i gave a still tiercer scream, and talk of shrieks 
howls, groans and wails, there was no need of any more tricks that night, foj* 
fast as they touio run out, tear, push ©ut, crowd out or tumole out they did i&. 
Ln thv .1 night and hurry to get out. I noticed the fellow that iiad my hat on, 
tov. iiius tii« door, and being in a crowd, i reached over and .\nocived his uat otf 
aiKi tiirtw the one that i had on right down before him, and in his hurry he 
sii;-.ichiu It up without noticing the mistake and rasiied out, and thus n« wrong 
was u(Mie ana the show was out. Oo-eli — of ittle faith —How would i oft have 
gati'cret. arounu ye Iikc a hen does her ' footi' o.it ye would not. Uepaii then 
tiom thence for vou are incognito: tor the poison ot watei" snakes are under tiie 
iip!-. aotl wild cats inu^st thy way. t(-u mt-ali. , 

CIJAPTKK XIX. 

A >\iglir-':> Adv<^'iioiii t^ ivuli Flea.'^y Cat.Sy and 

Metkk — A Night of Sad Misfortunes. 
Night has come; and from rugs the bugs, bugs, tugs, 
And o'er my weary frame tlie same gaiue came creepinj^, 
While we w"re sleeping, cau.e weepiii;^, sweeping; 



ill 



119 

As we lav upon the lioor, they bore more goip. 

From our bodies, than any man can «taiul 

Or al least likes to. without a sto.it «pout duI 

And then to destroy, or among, dero\ , alloy. 

The rest of our nap, comes that cat ; scat I " 

And then our sleep is done, till one gun won 

The virtory of the night, in a quite tight tiglil 

With the mad Tom cat— the one that sat at 

The high house top ; till, pop, whop drop>-. Thk Tom Cat 

frJTETHEK tills oook shoiJd he read tor amusement. {)a>l time scene-. > 
strueticH). is a matter of the readers own fan^'y. But. 'oi- uhicli e\ii .( is 
read lor. I do hope, dear reader, th-it within its divcr^ of acciuents thai 
hos actually happened to the unfortnnate Author, that you may tind >ojnc pas 
sagts of both instruction, amuseaient. and interest bct.ore castin;^ it asiiie ; ior. 
siiouid sach be the case. I shall be more able to bear the buiden ol hmeiiness 
that so wonderfully binds me to my station in this oistant land td" Arkans.av. 
Aiar.el not at my strangeness, in teJling of my lonely eonditi.ni. 'l\s not l^at 
bneliness of society, nor do i need complain of friends to j»rovt; untrue, foi no 
friends could be more true and kind than th('i>e 1 have found here ; but lis the 
loneliness at heart for the companion it 3a\\ns tor in earnest cwntimeiitv— th« 
one far, far. away. -And now my dear reader, before we jiart. let me call vonr 
attention to another little spell of s(rrapes^ while we are in etmveisat.on mi ihe 
subject. Yon. no doubt, remember that we had made arrangements to h.i,e 
another performance, before leaving the Bottom Country, and had also made 
enga^ments for the same scnooi house in which we had given a show scune 
months before ; and on being a little familiar with the place, was better prepar- 
ed to submit our plans to suit t.iem better. And when we had taktjn breakfast 
next morning at the boaiaing house where vi¥ had put up aftei' the scatterment. 
we walked out arourid to see what for prosj ects awaited us tJiat evening. As 
WG were walking aiov>nd and viewing the situat.on we over heard a conversation 
betwix a lot of colored individjamals talking o\er the last night's wonders, and 
declar-ng that they would nt miss the show for nothin in creation ; one of 
tiiem wanted to know what I was going to swallow that night. The otner one 
told hiiU he expecte 1 th it Id svvall )W hini if I only t<»(ik a notion -cause savs 
he. '"SMalK led a snake longer'n }(iu is shuah. to ] seed it creep right down Iiin 
mout I .-e shujih o d(it tac 1 is.' We had taken our guns with us, and not be- 
ing in n great hurry to get to work about fixing up l»>r the evenings jierform- 
ance. we took our guns and sauntered off down the bottoms to take a little hunt 
lor sijuirrels, turkeys, and anything in the way of game. We rnn Hirecll\ onto 
a poiid — and such a fine lot of ducks as we did kill, you never .saw. A^ \\r 
were returning back to our place of stopping awhile, we run right on to a great 
big dry land tortoise or ^'taiKie as he was unanimously caileu b\ tliem feller 
boys. When we came up with him, they all wanted to krow VNliat we was going 
to do with that "taikle. ' I lold them that I was going tt> swall&w him that 
evening and wante<i them to all come in to see it d«-ne. "^A ( come bos^ cat we 
will sho s you libin we come, spoke up a dozen or such a matter of them al- 
most simultane(Misly. We carrit d him into the school house and fastened him 
np to make them think that 1 was really going to swallow the ©Id fellow in fact. 
Then Warren wanted to know how 1 was going to work my way out of it. pnj 



120 
vided they waiit«d to .see me .swaJlow hiin, 1 told kiiii that I wouid have to trick 
them out of it the best way that I knew how. I knew very w«]l that I would 
have to do souieiiiiiij^ with them for 1 had never scarcely had a show hmv where 
^incfe 1 had l.teeri there but what 1 was compelled to try some kind of a Hcare. 
nick cr something of the kind to get rid of them, and thought 1 might just as 
well begin one way as another. \\ e had all preparations about ready when we 
com . enced taking in the company and a better turnout I have scarcely evei- 
witnessed since the time in the [low house. It took a ^dod long time to get 
them all in and a sort t*f a settlei'^nt made among them. Th(/y ail seenseu to 
want to know what was *j,oing to be done, or what we had to show, ©r what we 
were going to do first ; and every known question, beth reasonable, and un- 
reasonahJe. that they could think of they asked, and inquired about. I knew 
that something was goiiig U» have to be done beff-re ever 1 made my escape out 
of there and took care t(» hang up a difi'erent curtain for fear some emergen- 
cies n)]jiht from some special cause happen to take place, and a sudden retreat 
becwuie neccs.-ary. T had iiK ui^ht the old "tarkle' out and laid hii*j upon a 
sort of an Oid table that had been in there and probal/iv had been used for a 
Wiiting .>tarid ior their woitny scii <ol master, anyaow it was there, and whether 
it had or had nt it mattered not with me tlicn, for 1 had maae a --tarkle st nd ' 
of it. The way them young i o »ny bucks did gather arouiid and comment on 
tne old innocent captive and sJmg tnit their plantation slang was wonderi'ul to 
tell about, much worst to see, or hi-ai . One would remark that "if 1 swollud 
dat nor chap i uolly he'd hate a feed me," '-Yes an' dat not all neidder,^! gol- 
ly 1 hate funish de grub le golly he eat a whole coon at one bite. He swailo 
a possum thoat eveh tas'in' em. ' "Go way niggah he not agoin to swailo' dat 
'tarkle,' hima jist foolin' you fello s. ' "Yes but you se got no so t «f a idea 
Avhat he kin do caise he swallud a snake las' night longeh an yo' am." They 
were very deeply involved in the idea and while they were thus ejaculating over 
it a great big kinkey headed fellow «ome up and commenced — "hush up yo" gab 
bout semthun you don't know nofin' bout ; dat no tarkle, bet de las kink ob 
wool on my n(>ggin dat no tarkle, bet you an'tliing dat it.>5 made outen some 
kine o' a'^hes, o else made outen fine papeh an jis blowed up, an when he goes 
to swaillo' it, it 11 all go to nofin.' " "See 3 eh, dough, see hem nyas.'' One of 
thtm took him up by the tail and was swinging him around so that their philwso- 
phei- could get a peep at his e3'es. He was peeping a little closer than was safe 
for him ii he d known it, and as he was swinging in an uncomfortable condition, 
he made a grab at Sam s nosu. and seizing him right by the end ©f his flattened 
looking proboscis and held on to him like a g<indt>r hol,l of a hog's snout. The 
great GroverntDrs island 1 if ev^er there was howling d )ne you may knuw who 
d'Mie it —why it was Sam of course, for he had a right to ; but S ua was not all 
the on;; that was screaming as loud as a nigger eiiuld squall, they were every 
one of thcim and Sam too, screaming, squalling, whooping, and howling — beat 
em off, caoke him off, pinch he t.iil, cut e;i fro.it, fro watch imi ujb, stt>inp u u 
on a floo' fro fieh on him back, punch ah eye out. S.iai ! Saiu ! bittt ah head ofi", 
he suah to let go, hit ah wid a stiek, punch a knife in um. Here was Sam 
runninu around with the "tarkle " hold of his nos« one that would weigh about 
four pounds, and by the knock« and jiirkis tbey had given him. knocking Sam s*. 



121 
heaci fiom ene side to the other, his teeth had tern his jhiz considerablv :md li^» 
was bleeding like a hog with his snout torn off. I seen that no (ine was i;nii)<: 
to venture onto him. and I knew if they kept banging him over the hear] in 
such a manner as they were, they would hurl Sam worse than the *.ld -tarkle." 
for every lick they made Sam would dodge and then h(i was sure to get hit bv 
yome one on the other side. I ran up to him and grabbed the old ■tarkle' bv 
the neck and commenced to cease his drawing of breath. [ finallv g<>t him 
l.,ose from Sam's phiz and he said, '-goodness alive Mist<r>h. yood thing vou got 
\m off, for 'clar' to gracious like a beat my head off'en me dey did in fac 
There was a great to d© with them about the old tarkle nibbling awav on .>am 's 
J. use. They said that they wanted to see how I would manage him ; but 1 whs 
not so sure that they «ould ever see me try him at all, for T did not like the 
way he held ©n to Sam, for it showed his grit and it seemed to be verv hard at 
that. I seen very plainly that I was going to have to do something in older to 
get out of another snap, and a bad snap it was, for he had already snapped one 
nigger and I didn t intend, if 1 possibly could help it. to be counted in with 
Sam or any of the rest of the niggers, much less to be in another snaj with 
them any more. When things were straightened around a little and the squad 
got settled down to a more civil point, 1 commenced to try some other tricks. 
We had some dry straw out in the wagon which was not far off, fm- we had 1.4't 
it out in the lane, and I made up an excuse that I had to have some to get p tl" a 
certain kind of a trick with, and sent Warren to get some; he went out and gc t 
a good lot of it and I threw it down behind the curtain to keep till 1 g«t readv 
for it. Then 1 thought I would play another trick before I dismissed them and 
commonced on a tiick to slicw the magic dagger, which you n-member was a 
knife made so as to allow the blade to j-ush up into the handle and on pretend- 
\ ing to pierce ary one with it, it would, to all appearance, run into anyone's side 
but instead it would only run into ihe handle and press a<iainst a sponge that 
was fiyed in tlie end of the handle filled with polk berry juice which would flow 
out aid run down the blade as if it had b^en dipped in human gore. 1 called 
up a young dusky looking fellow and told him to examine the knife: he took it 
and not finding out the deception declared that it was a genuine skinner knife. 
1 told him that 1 could run it clean into his sidt and he would not feel it. 
"You don't kotch ciis chile fooiin dot way wid sich a knife as dat." i thouiiht 
I'd just scare him a little to see how he'd act. 1 <:ave a little punch at him; 
the blade hung fiie, at least it caught seme way and failed to slide up intw the 
handle and it drew a little real nigger blood. Death's deepest dungeon ! Hii- 
eeh! How he did charge around. "Uh, fo Massa sake. Ise killed. 1 se killed; 
run fo' de doctor to sow me up quick fo' my intcls runs, falls out, Ise stabbed 
rij^ht fru de hea't, he-eli, cut mine livnh out; muddeh. muddeh. Ise a *i(Mie up 
niggeh dis time." P^very culled iudiwidjual in the house was in uproar. scre;nu- 
ing, -'kill de dod drwtted. orney scoundrel, knock head him off, kick hiui (uit ob 
de house, stomp him, stomp him." But I still held the knife in my hand and 
they did not seem anxious to run over it. When the fuss had subsided a little. 
1 told them that there was nothing at all the matter with the black rascal, and 
pfter they examined the cut it was nothing but a sHiall scratch, scaiwely through 
the skin. They all took their seats and ordered some other trick playrd. 1 



122 
had. accidently because I wanted to, spilled some ':*oal oil around over the 
straw and the edge of the old curtain that I had suspended m case of accident- 
al combustion. I then commenced preparing for the ''fire works of destruc- 
tion" which I was pretty sure would take place. I began to rub pieces of pa- 
per and phosphorus together and make them blaze wonderfully, which tickled 
the little nigs most pleasantly. I would throw them around over the house 
in every which direction, very carelessly right where I wanted them, -^nd one 
of them falling right in among the straw, ignited with the «il and an ignis 
fatuas was at once set up. It blazed and flamed and flashed, worse than a pile 
of powder would. There was hurring too and fro, the cries, shrieks and screams 
wei'e heard and before you could say Mary Ann Dog-tail, three times, with 
your eyes shut, the house was entirely cleared of ''coons' or nigs which ever 
they are a mind to call themselves. I had a ucket of water all ready for the 
purpose and soon as they all got out I deluged the thing with the water and so 
this you see ended the programme for that evening. 

Now for another trip home. We had taken in a very fair fare for our two 
performances in the Bottoms and thought we would go back to our respective 
place of abode to recruit up a little over our laborous job. Ncxt day v,e had 
several little jobs to do and see to. Warren had taken the borrowed bear skin 
with us, and had to run down to return it to its owner, and so, before we got 
ready to start for home it was getting along in the day towards the time for 
the dinner horn to b« used; yet nevertheless we pulled out toward where Kate 
lives. We traveled on until very late in the evening, and until that glorious 
bright meteor that has gladdened the heart and dazzled the eye of so many 
mortals throughout the length and breadth of the wide world, was fast waning 
away beneath the expanse of wide western waters. We had a usual place that 
we generally stopped at to stay over night, but owing to the late start we had 
got that irorning we were compelled to haul to before reaching our certain 
point. We called out an old fellow sitting on a fence close to an old double 
J©g house and asked if we could get to stay all night with him. He crawled 
down ofi" the fence and came owt to the wawn to see what we wanted. I told 
him. as loud as I could hallow, that we wanted to stay all night. He said we 
could stay, and said that he was a little deaf, and 1 thought myself that he was 
a little deaf, about as deaf as a bass drum. We got out and put up our horses 
and went int» the house, a crude looking aflfaii- it was too. The old lady dusted 
around and had supper ready in a short time. We went in and took supper 
very heartily of fine roasted pork and pumpkin, and after supper we went out 
into the other house. I thought I'd try and raise a little talk with the old fel- 
low about something if I could get him to hear me, just to see how he would 
talk, I made mention about the wheat crops, and happened to say something 
about the chintz bug in the wheat. "The what, the chinches? Well, yes, 11 
tell you how it is, the old '..men she's got so much to do and she's got no time 
to scald the old bedsteads, and th*^se old buildin's is got so full of "em that its 
a hard matter to get shet «f 'em anyhow. Well, they aint nigh as bad as they 
was awhile back but they're putty bad vet «ir." Then you may know that I 
had to do some pretty loud talking to get the (dd fellow to understand what 1 
meant; but 1 worried him around until I got him to partly understand the sub- 



12:; 

jcct. ar.d he luade a substantial apology for the incoiu) reheu^ilility ol the (!( 
fective healing, rendering him .so unapprehensive of the snnoested diah ( t 
The old fellow was very talkative and fend of eonvei^ation. and uiien I uot on 
e(jual footing with him again, or eijual tongueing^whiehever youre meddlesome 
enough to eall it, I commenced a.^king him a few more leading off <|uestiuns 
about hunting deer, turkey, bear, and so on and so forth. He told some moil 
interesting tales, for a certain fact, and I asked him many (juestions al.onr his 
hunting sprees and he would answer very particularly whenever 1 could make 
him understand. He said he had lived there a great many years and ijeople 
had come into the state and went out a great many times since he had settled 
there, and told hiui of muiy new countries' where they could get land ojve 
to them, and of these kind of tales, but still they'd sidle around and cnme 
i-ight back to Arkansaw. '-Why.^' says he '-Arkansuw is as good as they'll ever 
find, because 111 tell you why. vou can raise your cotton and tobacco here 
your hogs has alway got plenty of mast; there's always fruit here, and the 
light wood— laws a mercy I wouldn't no more do without the pine knots that's 
here than I would nothin' in the world, and its on no use of talkin' to mo 
bout their new countries." I, from some cause, turned the Siibject adi'oitlv 
onto the lishing qualities, and asked him how it was for fish. F told him th;i"t 
1 had .'iecn a fellow catch a remarkably big cat-fish out of the biii Arkansaw 
that ])othered him some about getting him out of the river. The old fellow 
had not got the -'hang" of the subject and hearing the w©rds -cat" and "both- 
eied," went oflF on it again in the usual manner; "Well, yes, I hear the ol' 
"oman complainin' about an old cat a boitherin' round here of a niyht. but I 
never hear anything of 'em though; I hate to be tormented witli a drotted cat 
st'jualiing round of;^a night anyhow, and I'd shoot him in a ndnute if I'se to 
Jiear him around.'" Well what another time I had to get him on the ri<^ht 
track. Soon as I got him straightened out a little again 1 took care to let h'un 
go his own road on his narrations of his early settling in the countrv. He con- 
tinued his history as long as he could easily hold out and then the old woman 
made us down a bed in one corner of the cabin floor and told us whenerver we 
got ready we could lay down. It was a real warm night in the earl - part of the 
month of September, and as we had taken some very strong coffee for snpp(«r. 
we did not rest so veiy easy at any time during the night. We lay upon an cild 
straw bed that I do not honestly believe, the straw in it had i3een ehanticd 
since the first time it Mas filled when they lamled in Arkansaw. The old folhs 
occupied a bed laid upon a bedstead constructed in the following manner. A 
post, or hickory pole, trimmed of at the lawer end and placed in a two inch au'^er 
liole in the puncheon flooi-. This post had a hole bored each way throu"li it at 
the top and a pole fitted into the holes each way, forming a rail, and a hole 
bored into the wall and these poles or rails placed int'- them, forminii the 
entire stead. We rolled and kicked and tumbled around most wonderfully 
restless, till toward eight or ten o'clock in the night when we had somethiniz; 
o].<^e to do. AVe began to feel something horrible creeping over us! What do 
you think it was? (Uiosts? No, not that; Was it dread or fear? Xo. it wasn't 
that either, it was something far more tormenting and treacherous. Somethini,^ 
that no one can rest in peace wbere they inliabit; something that has causeil 



124 
more mifiery. pain, dread, horror and sleepless nights than any and all other 
woes put together; the Ijeartless. savage cr«aturc8 steals stealthily upon their 
victims unaer cover of darkness and pieicing them to their very viens, rob thim 
of their blood; horrid monsters. Would you know the names of those mon- 
sters? They aie the common bed-bug, common not in their administrations of 
bloody deeds, but very commonly known in old log cabins in Arkansaw. They 
pouied in on ur> worse than women going to a wool picking. I could hear them 
as they would walk out on the joists over our bed and drop dow^n onto us dab, 
dab, dab. they come, like hickory nuts falling; they swarmed around us, and 
over us, and onto us, worse th..n minnows round an old rotten rabbit, nibbling 
gnawing and piercing us to our painfulest feeling. Oh, how they did hurt. If 
any of you'ens suffered like we'uns did, you certainly can sympathize with us. 
If ever you had a pegging awl soused clean into }Our she uldej blade, up t© the 
handle, you can tell something about how they felt when they tot.k a good hold 
and gave a surge on us. We knocked and kicked and fought manfully, but th« 
more we fought the mere they raliied us. They were, to all apj caiauces, from 
the size of the point of a fine cambric needle t« that of a good big griddle-cake; 
they hauled and tutjged at us, they stung like bumble-bees, smarted like aqui- 
fortis poured over us, and hurt worse than if we were being skinned alive. Oh, 
oh, land of massa, how^ they hurt, how they hurt. I took an old quilt mm 
crawled over into another corner of the cabin and laid down upon it and was 
not interfered with for a good litte while and had paitly fallen into a dcze; 
directly 1 began to hear them falling from alove as last «& y-u ever sav; shoyv 
flakes fall from the clouds; they commenced taking hold on me and shaking me 
all over as if to say to their comrads, "Cc me on l( ys, he's heie now, lets giie 
it to him right." I fought for life, or lor my hide, as they were making a rid- 
dle ©f it faster than you could eat green persimmons. 1 kicked and struggled 
and struck and slapped with both hands till I was almost gene. 1 got u]) and 
took the old quilt and went out onto an old poarch at the back of the house 
and laid dow^n again to see if I could get a little rest. The old quilt was 'sor- 
ter" fractured a little and it had carried about three quarts of them along in 
its tattered vacancies, but by faithfully battling with them for a few liours, 1 
finally got them worried down till I could rest a little between bites. 1 began 
to rest a little better, oecasionally crushing and demolishing an old warrior ard 
dappling the old comforter with h's ditadfrl stench and gore. Before leig I 
had murderously stricken them with such a violent attack that they began to 
cease their destructive devastation. I was beginning to be more at ease and 
cemmenced dozing away in a happy snooze, dreaming of some lovely scenes, 
or fairy land, or olden times; 1 was fast wafting away to that happy jtlace of 
dreamland, and enjoying a pleasurable nap which apj eared to me as deep anil 
profound as Rid-Van-Winkle's continued nap, hoping in my "dreams to reach 
the dawn in that pleasurable condition. I had not enjoyed the satisfactic;n but 
a short time until I was aroused by one of the loudest, wildest, fiercest, hideous 
howls that ever pealed out upon the balmy, calm night air. I started from my 
slumbers; what could it be; I asked my conscience, could it be possible that an 
animal no larger than a panther, could squall so loud as that. I could think of 
nothing else that could sprAmaa ge loud and ghrill. I was not left long ponder- 



12a 
ing over the wonder, for like the sad, i-hrill phriek of the mad fierce lien slxiw- 
ered forth the deafening mew «w-oh-ow of a large Tom-cat. He kept it up. 
squallii g and climbing o\er the house, throwing off boaids. rnttlii;g and tearing 
things in every direction; howling and prowling. 1 got up aid vent ( ut and 
hiss-catted and clubbed him off of the house and hissed the doc.s ( n the 
. ''cussed Th©mas. ' and thought that I had got him entirely of}" of n v Ijand.^. or 
off of the house. 1 don't car^• which you call it, and went back and fancied I'd 
finish my sleep out. I crept back to my ''wallerin' " place and stietched my- 
self down and thought 1 W' uld have ne more difiiculties. Th« bugs had by this 
time had cleared out and given me free access to the pallet and was prepaiinLi 
to use it to the best possible advantage. T commenced snoring away again at 
the rate of forty miles to the sn{ne. No sooner had I got permanently located 
into a sound refreshing slumbering attitude until T was toin right out of my 
sleep by the same horrible howling right over my head where it had happened 
before. I though I would drive him away again and see if ho wouldn't go some 
where else to have his fun. 1 got up again and slipped round the house and 
picked up an old brickbat, and peeping over the eaves of the house. 1 saw 
him right on top •f the comb of the roof, and just as I made a swing to throw 
he fetched another scjuall and 1 let drive at him. yow-ow-ow he went, tumbling 
down the other side of the house and away he went again. Now I made sure 
and certain that he would stay away contented, for he could not fail (o feel such 
a tremendous blow, for I do not think it could have left a sound rib in him. 1 
went back to my battle field and thought thati had given him the hint to stav 
away. I did not expect him back that night. It was then getting late and I 
was getting sleepy, for fast as I had fallen asleep something, generally tlie 
Thomas, would awaken me immediately, for had *'Eip" ever heard the s(jualls 
of that cat he would never have finished his nap, and moreover, had he been 
tiying to get of to naps house in that cabin he would never have made the 
riffie. I was almost returning to a good sound snooze when I was again fright- 
ened almost into a sense of insanity by the same horrid yeP. right on the very 
same ?pot where I had just tiiundered him off from with the brick-bat. Yow- 
ow-ow. He kept it up. oue yow-ow-ow after another as loud as he could possi- 
bly squall. I crept out and thought I would try a different plan on lilm tiiis 
time. I did not want to kill him instantly, for that would be putting an end 
to his pleasure too (juick and not be giving me room to get even with hiu) I 
thought I would give him a little fright to show him how he had been inijioj^ing 
on me and then I thought I would give him a little hurt to jiay him for the 
trouble I had taken with him. T went in and got an old holster pistol and «-ut 
a slug of bacon off" of a ]»iece that 1 had noticed hanging against the wall. 1 
put down a good charge of powder and tlu ii the slug of b:>coii and weni out to 
try my aim on him. He was right in his highest jtitch of glory, bawling like a 
steam boat whistle, walking to and fro with his back raised, his tail frouseled, 
And eyes shining like jack-o'-lanterns. 1 drew a bead on the hump of his back 
and fired. Farewell to father land and Kobinson Crusoe! A sheet of ffame. 
a cloud of smoke and a constellation of star\' sj>arkit went up. and what do you 
think came down? AVhy, like the enraged wild lioii from the wilderness of Af- 



12() 
rica, came rolling, squalling iuid howling, the same old Tom-cat, helter-skelter, 
right onto niv shoulders with all the violence of a mad tiger; squalling, and 
screamijig like a wild, wounded panther,, oiting, scratching and clawing. I 
kicked and knocked and banged him with the stock of the old pistol, but could 
do no mjve with hitn than if he hid been an 9nra":ed man4;.)nlla. In our combat 
I stumbled round and down we tumbled under an old shed am )ng a pile of old 
barrels and plunder. I tusseled him around until I got hold of an old corn cut- 
ter and by dent of hard labor I finallj succeeded in laying the ferocious monster 
at my feet; this done 1 was not interrupted seriously any more that night, save 
a few horrid dreams of the late battle that I had underwent that night. Next 
morning as early as we could get oflF. we were after traveling toward our hum. 
Farewell, for the present time, only sing me a letter from home — tell me a song 
to my gooseberry blossom — write me a picture about my gal, Tom. — The soft 
southern breeze has soothed my cares and now I must leave you for a short 
space of time. 

CHAPTER XX. 

Sj/^inmcirj/, Concbisioix and Farewell Address, 

TEXOR — The first dawn of winter. 
Good hye, goo3 people — I have done my best 

M}' conscience for to ease, 
Through this little volume to interest, 

And you to try to please. 
And it I have not. it is not my fault, 

And if I've not, 1 cannot, 
.So it is no use over it to halt — 
I ren^ain your servant. — 6'hacklefoot. 

[ANY, many have been the startling scenes, difficulties, .since my sojour:-) at 
my newly found home in Arkansaw. But, the one that I am now about to 
relate, is probably the most w^onderful that T have experienced in I 
the State. Not many miles from ^Ir. Wells there was a bayou, that was very 
remarkably noted for its fine fishing opportunities ; and early in the month of 
■May aft(!r spending the winter very amusingly at Mr. Wells , we all concluded 
to get up a fishing party and go down to some of Mr. Wells' relations living 
near the bayou. There were sevo;-a1 of the young folks from tlie neighbor- 
hood and all of Mr. Wells' daughters, Katie. Nellie and Susie. We arrived at 
our sought for resort at the bayou. It was a very large portion of v.'-ater ex- 
tending back from the river, and about the center of the body of the bayou 
was a small island, several hundrcl feet long, and a considerable amount of 
logs, bushes, and other features, un')bs3"vable from the shore, which was a good 
distance away. It was as I have !)efore stated, in the early part of May, and a 
Hiore lovely afternoon I can scarcely remember. I had become greatly attached 
to the young ladi«s, espeeicdly Nellie, as she was always moie merry, and took a 
great interest in always trying to please and interest me. Although kinder 
hearts nor more pleasing maimers were never possessed by tender maidens than 



127 

either of those three ; yet I could but hold a reverence towards Nellie. Von 

may. perhaps, suppose that I was naturally in love with her ; but. if so. v<hi 

aceuse me very wrongly. Tis true, so far as I ever loved any one within the 

life bounderies of friendship. I did love all three of those ladies, .vnd had a just 

cause to, for they have been to me as kind and pleasin*;- as any one in this could 

ever hope to receive any kinder friends than they, could scarcely be found. But 

so far as the true feeling of love. I would only refer you to "Tom" — tiie one far. 

far away. Well, however, after we had reached the bayou and »'0t all things 

strdghtened around and had been fishing considerably, with line success, and 

everything" passing pleasanth', some one suggested the idea of taking a boat 

ride ; there was but one boat, and it was very small — so small that no more than 

about four persons could safely be carried in it at a time. The water was verv 

calm and still — a beautiful time for the occasion. The girls were none of them 

use to the boat riding, and would not venture out upon the water. Several of 

the young men rowed about in the boat to show them that there was no danger 

in it, and, finally Nellie said that if I would go across to the island that she 

would g.) with mc. I thought she was only jestirig and thought I would see 

how fai- slie would go before getting scared out. We got into the boat, and 

palled in the direction of the island. Tne water was very smooth and nice, and 

til J b »at mo red as gentle and ea.sy as an old slide on a deep snow. We st.ill 

movel on towards the point we had started for, and whether Nellie was to grittv 

t<) say turn back, or whether she wanted to see the island, or whether siu- 

thought tiiat L would tarn bay':, i could not say ; but we kept on going until wc 

reached the island. W^e did not stay but a short while, for there was a dark 

cloud begining t-^ rise in the north-west, and wo hurried into the boat to ha.sten 

■ b.iciv t ) the shore. Scarcely had m'c reached the boat, when a fearful wind arose, 

and the water began tr> roar and foam like the roaring billows of the Atlantic. 

The cloud approached in magic rapidity and darkened as it approached nearer. 

Tlie waves began lashin.^ aLiMin.^t the sides of the boat, almost tillintr it at eauh 

surging wave. We had not proceeded more than thirty or forty paces from the 

shore, and t'le boat began tottering like a nervous maniac. Nellie suggested tr> 

row back and w^nit till the storm subsided before undertaking to cross the 

sloraiy water. 1 succeeded in turning ar«und and was just nearing the shurc 

when a iicir^er gale of wind tilted the boat to one side and poor Nellie was gone 

— the wind continiied to bh)w — [ leaped after Nellie, aud fortunately caught 

her before she sank, an 1 started with her t) the shore. She gave one heart 

rendering shriek, and was pulled from my arms by a large alligator. Unt, !>v 

some lucky problem, he dropped his hold, and as he was traveling pn tty fast in 

his direction for thj deep watsr. I agiin caught Nellie and reached the land 

before he could get turnd ar > in 1 and up to ns again. I ran to a high log with 

Nsllie, and placed her upon it. an 1 had s:;arcvdy dom^ sm, until the old fellow 

was coining in all his wonderful rag^ : happily for me 1 found a large piece of 

WQ)')d that had t > all appaarance bf»en blown off of some tree, as it was very 

large at one end and tapered off with a sharp splintery end about four feet lonji. 

and very heavy I grabbed it up and intended striking him over the head with it: 

b it, as he c.ime he threw his m jufeh open as if he meant to swallow nje riixht 

down at once. I raised the piece of wo ) I and just as he canie within reach of 



._....■■ ^ . ■. 128 

me I staved it about three feet down his throat ] then with a hatchet and large 
knife that I always carried with me in my belt, I split his throat clean through 
to the piece of wood that T had thrust down his mouth, and thus put an end to 
that part of our ti^oubles. Durmg my battle with the alligator the storm had 
tended to cease a little, and when I had finished the offender, Nellie came down 
and asked me whc^re the boat was. Farewell to Madame Tucker ! now what a 
fix we are now in ; here wo were in as bad a snap as Robinsjn himself was «ver 
in; our boat g)ne, probably swept into the Mississippi. I told Nellie to go back 
to her place of safety for fear some more of them intruders might come along. 
She climbed upon the tower of safety, and I struck out to see if 1 could find 
the boat I traveled around the edge of the coast till I came to tlie South- 
eastern end of the "Bahama," and there in • a sort of a nook the waves had 
lodged the boat. The oars were fastened to the boat, and i drew it up to the 
shore and turned it up until I got all the water out and then I rowed ba«k to 
where Nellie was. The storm, by this time had ceased entirely, and if ever you 
saw a happy girl in all the by gone days of your life it was Nellie when she 
saw me coming with the boat. She came running down to me and I helped her 
int) the boat and we sat out for land again. The water was rather roagh and 
we had to row cautiously, but finally we made it to tiie landing. The whole 
party was almost in a state f)!:' convulsion when we returned. They nad sent 
for a boat and was expecting t) find us swept to the bottom of thg waters. It 
was then getting late, and owing t> the ducking that Nellie and I had got, we 
were all willing to break up t:ie fishing spree for the evening. And so, conse- 
({uently, we all took to a notion of leaving the place, and scattered out. It was 
not a great ways to the relatives of the Wells' girls, and we reached the place 
where we were» stopping at before night, and was made mii>;hty comfortable with 
some good old apple jack that their old uncle had an abundance of always ©n 
hand ; and a cleverer old gentleaian than him never lived. We stayed several 
days in the neighborhood visiting the friends and relative.^ of iheir's and fishing 
and hunting. But I warrant that it did not happen that Nellie and I ever visit- 
ed the home of the alligators any more while on our fishing excursions. I 
would liked to have told you about some of our hunting and fishing sprees that 
1 and (leorge, and Warren Wells, and the rest of the party had wtiile there. 
But 1 have now occupied more space, than i intended to in giving the brief 
sammary of this account of the terrible encounter and es«ape from being 
s.vept aw-iy in the storm, or being devoured by alligators, and whether it has the 
wonderful shocking effect upon yoa tint it had on me i am unable to tell ; but, 
have no idea that it ever can; and new before bidding you a final adieu, let me 
make the following 

CONCLLSION. 
You remember Mollie — the first one of whom I have spoken; the one X,^ 
whom I got into the first scrape with, about the letter. Che one that married 
the kangaroo of a man. Well she is married to him, and lives with him yet, 
and has got two the prettiest little girl* this side of anywhere. The lawyer is 
still practicing in the same town wnero "'Big Bill"' and I got our liquor at, the 
time we routed him. Big Bill, poor fellow met with his fate in a combat with 
a blacksmith. Old Solom )n got liis arm torn off with a threshing machine to 



12H 
pay him for seme of kis meanness. Mary Ann is attending the Morgue at the 
Flat. Em has been married and left her man divers of times. Warren Wells 
still contitmed his courtship with Matilda Brings, until he managed to make her 
his frou. Katie. Susie, and Nellie, are neither of them married yet. And 
••Tom is still her mam.ni's big fat gal. And ii«w I will give you uiv last and 
tiiuil 

FARKWELI. ADDRESS. 

Now my dear readers. 1 ain about to bring my history to a focus. xVnd in 
doing so. you can scarcely i.nigMiv; t'l » s )lemnity it brings over my weary feel- 
ings to write these closing words. When I think seriously upon the past scenes 
of my early life; when [ think that I am now vet a young man — scarce thirty 
—and t) think that sh)ald it be that my future years should ever be marred by 
the same trying ordeals as my past life has alreaky been, it makes me Cjuake and 
shuddei- in dread of the thought itself. And rhen to think that this book mav 
fall int) the"hands of th )se who may doubt what I hav" written, only because 
their own life has been smoothly and uninteruptedly disinterfered with through- 
Mut their whole life, aid think it iittjrly i np>ssible for a mm to undergo such 
painful trials, and discoi.solations as I have experienced, and the sad misfortniM' 
to bear. And yet, although 1 have endeavoied to give you the full history of 
my life, 1 find by writing thus far, that it would take a much larger volume 
than I now have time to write, or than you would take the time to read. For, 
when I started out, I intended only giving you the trials and discontented per- 
formances alone, but have departed from that rule, and given in connection a 
few sabse(|uent difficulties that came almost simultaneously in addition to the 
same subject. Yet I have passed over the greater portion of my life s history 
in the way of courtship which 1 intended appending to this work ; but have not 
time nor space to sp.ire at the present to subjoin. Although, should this little 
volu-^e lind favor willi my fellow readers, 1 shall in a short time give an ac 
count of some of my most important scrape.^ that I have Ijcen into before em 
barking tor. this great voyage in the State of Arkansaw. And if so you shall 
hear .something more about the veritable Marv Ann, and s.nenil other such 
stories as — The party at old Sols — Th»i Trap laid by 31ary Ann — The old J{oa>t- 
ed Rooster against Oughts head; and many other greai difficulties. AjuI now 
let me hope for your future hapj.iness and pleasuie — that your life tliroughout 
its course may be of uninteirnpted jdeasure and enjoyment. That it may 
be like a tree planted in a favf)rnl)Jc ])lace that its roots, rootlets, and toproot, 
may drive downward and taking hold on a fiini foundation, that its branilu s 
may spread upward, on.vard and outward, bearing the leaves of contriticM. tlic 
flowers of rej<entence and the fair fruits of your future anticipation. 'I'll. it it 
may be like some clear foutidation sjuinging i'orth from the humble r(M-ks. 
twinkling along down the spring branch (d' y<uir journey of life giving nurture, 
strength, and refreslmu'iit to the herbs, plants, and flower, as well as the cooling 
paliation of thirst to the birds, bees and animals, t aveling the whole journey 
and pilgrimage of ife. until it reaches that glorious emblem tliat shall roll and 
roar inimitably bouiidless, fatkomless and irresistable to everlasting eternity. 
That your future prt)speets. iiid all your undi'rtaking, especially in the ease of 
trying to win your gal s *}:oi}(\ dpinion. may be as seed c-ast by the wayside, and 



t I 30 

ailing upou ^o«d ground — may bring forth the fruit and fatness of y«ur high- 
est expectation. May youi life be one of a mere smoother and comfortable, as 
well as more progressive and uninterrupted as mine has already been ; that you 
may never know the painful feelings of such galling fetters within which I 
have been so strongly bound. May you never sip the bitter draught that 1 have 
already sipped. May you never know what it is to be robbed, ruined and ran- 
sacked by some heartless gal, and then turned coldly from her with cruel 
contempt. And finally, may you never see cause to shed one tear over 
hopes deceived, love destroyed, smashed and smouldered, and thr hearts fondest 
feeling crushed in its highest promises, as 1 have been the unfortunate to bear. 
But may your star of happiness rise in your «arliest days, and continue to 
guide you arigbt. throughout your declining days. May the cloud of despair 
never rise to obscure the brightness of your jeys and pleasures. May your 
SUB of hope rise in magnificent splendor, and continue to shine throughout your 
days of pleasure, and finally, when it sinks beneath the great horizon of Time, 
that we may all come together in one vast assembly prepared for our departure 
from this world of woe. is the hopes and desires of your humble servant. 

Shacklefoote. 




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